28 December 2011

A Christmas Cassette Tape

I never liked Christmas. I can’t even remember the last time I celebrated real Christmas. I am well aware as to why it is being celebrated and yes, I am thankful for the Lord GOD for giving us his son to save us, but the way I see it, I started to hate Christmas not because I am a non-believer, but because Christmas has become so commercial. Yes, too commercial to the point that you will even question yourself if there is an appropriate way of celebrating Christmas.

Courtesy of Google Images
The ideal Christmas for me was at the age of five. Though my dad almost disowned me for recording my own rendition of Joy To The World over his Carpenters Christmas cassette tape (I couldn’t even remember the exact title of the album), we kept the tape anyhow and for years to come, we would just laugh when it  skips to the part where yours truly is singing Joy To The World at the top of his lungs. Yes, that rendition comes with an alien like language God only knows what. Those were the days.

I remember my parents both helping each other prepare Noche Buena, and at that early age, I knew that our family had to be together at this very important day of the year. I never really knew why, it was just a hunch, or perhaps it has become a tradition and hence it was difficult to break. Every year, the four of us made it a point to wake up in the middle of the night, eat and go back to sleep. Of course, the daily Simbang Gabi and the midnight mass on the 24th is part of the entire production (yes, it seemed like a musical of some sort at that time).

As my sister and I grew older, we became more involved in the preparations for Noche Buena. We had our own tasks and dish assignments (don’t get me wrong, I never cook, I never have and I never will. It’s just that I took the liberty of classifying tossing or heating food as cooking so sue me) and we were pretty good at it. Maybe not, but our parents convinced us and swore with their lives that it was the best tasting food they ever had. We were content with this tradition, we never really cared about gifts and we made do  with whatever our parents or relatives gave us. It was not that important.

Thanks to the educational system, we were introduced to the concept of exchange gifts and parties. And so, every year, we made sure we had new clothes in time for our Christmas parties (yes, who would have thought that a grade school kid can’t have enough partying ). At this point, I have perfected my maja blanca and I have been boasting about it. I even had to wake up at five in the morning to choose the coconuts that our trusty helper would pick for my dish. (Yes, as early as seven, I was a control freak bossing people older than me around).

These routines, while alien to the concept of just being with family and the the people you love went on till I finished high school. It was worse in high school, being one of the more popular kids in school. Preparations were like a space shuttle launch and my grandmother had to intervene with her Arroz ala Valenciana to the rescue. (Yes, it’s staple for All Saint’s Day but my lola figured we should do away with traditions anyway, so hello Valenciana on Christmas parties).

I moved out when I turned 16. I know it is unconventional for Filipinos but I was so caught up with this lady’s speech saying that a parent’s responsibility to a child ends after high school. I believed that and I shipped myself to Manila, sent myself to school and the rest they say is history (or maybe another story but let’s try to focus on Christmas here). College was different (have you actually counted the number of times I used the word different to make a point?). By different, I am referring to the fact that come December, you no longer know each other, simply say goodbye, and say hello again come January. No more Christmas parties, no more exchange gifts, no more simple get togethers. That has been my routine for the succeeding six years (yes, I finished two courses, don’t get any funny idea).

Nothing much changed even when I started working. I have been alienating more and more people at the onset of December. I’m like the Christmas Ampalaya, so full of negativity and bitterness – bitterness not because of any other reason but I can’t seem to reason with myself why I should continue on celebrating Christmas ever single year.

I do not know exactly when, and at what particular stage of my life I lost the magic of Christmas. I wouldn’t even call it magic, as it’s more of a feeling, than something visible. I’ve lost the longing to give gifts, to go home and be with my family. I have been accustomed to spending Christmases by myself, well not at first but I got used to it. I lost the urge to prepare food, I seemed to have forgotten how to prepare maja blanca or arroz ala valenciana anymore. And every year, you see advertisements on the “perfect” Christmas.

But what is the perfect Christmas anyway? Is it just merely a tradition of showing up at parties, smiling at people and enjoying their company while exchanging gifts, gifts you picked up out of nowhere just to take part of the concept of giving? What give a mug, and that already is Christmas? Is it showing up at mass everyday hoping that your wishes be granted? Or religiously going to church just to accompany some girl you have a huge crush on? Is it inviting people into your house with the underlying reason of flaunting your wealth?

I want to be one of the few to break tradition – to celebrate Christmas at any given date for as long as me, my sister and my parents are in one table sharing a home cooked meal, nothing fancy, just the four of us with whatever food is on the table. I want Christmas to be any given time on any street where I help an old lady cross the street, talk to some complete stranger and share laughs with them or maybe teach a child to read. I want Christmas to be at any given place and time for as long as the intention of giving love and sharing love is there, no gifts, no parties, just pure love.

I’m going home on January and I will celebrate Christmas with my family regardless of the circumstances. I’m gonna relive those moments when I started singing Joy To The World, or learned to prepare maja blanca or valenciana. I’m going to enjoy it like a five year old again.

I guess I better find another cassette tape to ruin then.....






17 December 2011

The Sound Of Violence : Cassius


I feel I wanna be, inside of you... when the sun goes down....

Girl From The Gutter : Kina


For all the things you said I'd never do
For all the things you said that were untrue
For all the times you made me feel alone
Said I'd never make it on my own

(chorus 1)
Things are lookin' up for me now
Seems like Karma's makin' its rounds
Its my turn now, won't be held down no
Karma's gonna visit you too
You gotta pay for the things you put me through
I hope you do, I hope you do, yeah, yeah

(chorus 2)
I hope your hell is filled with magazines
And on every page you see a big picture of me
And under every picture the caption should read
Not bad for a girl from the gutter like me

For all the times you said "I got your back"
For all the times you stabbed me
For all the times you tried to hurt my pride
For all the pain I held down deep inside

(Chorus 1)
Things are lookin' up for me now
Seems like Karma's makin' its rounds
Its my turn now, won't be held down no
Karma's gonna visit you too
You gotta pay for the things you put me through
I hope you do, I hope you do, i hope you do

(Chorus 2)
I hope your hell is filled with magazines
And on every page you see a big picture of me
And under every picture the caption should read
Not bad for a girl from the gutter like me

Needed to make me weak to help you feel stronger
I know y'all bitches think I'm somewhere dyin' inside
O yeah poor Kina, she went home
She couldn't take it no longer

But I'm, right here
I'm right here
I'm right here

(Chorus 2)
I hope your hell is filled with magazines
And on every page you see a big picture of me
And under every picture the caption should read
Not bad for a girl from the gutter like me

(Chorus 2)
I hope your hell is filled with magazines
And on every page you see a big picture of me
And under every picture the caption should read
Not bad for a girl from the gutter like me yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah 

12 December 2011

Immovable

I feel empty.

It's one of those days that even good music can't penetrate my heart and make me feel, one of those days that even a good cup of coffee is unappreciated. It is one of those days that I couldn't care less if the world ended today and all of us along with it.

I feel numb.

It's one of those days that I see my dog making a funny face yet I choose to look away disinterested, one of those days when the warmth of an embrace matters not, and the light of friendship is unseen.

I feel less human.

It's one of those days, one of the many days when I no longer know who I am, one of those days that a search for an answer falls into the depths of chaos. And definitely, this is one of those days when I question my own existence.

Must be the flu I tell you...


Background music : Could This Be Love?


Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Sun Cellular

03 December 2011

Parade of Lights - SM Mall Of Asia

Everyday Heroes






























Ayala Malls and Mastercard launched their Everyday Heroes campaign which recently ended with lots of food and prizes to selected mall goers like myself.

Just for being a twitter and a foursquare addict, Ayala Greenbelt mall was very generous in giving  lots of gifts - CDs, discount vouchers and gift certificates.

Thank you Ayala Greenbelt!