Just a Very Old Bike

Saw this old bicycle along the highway of San pablo City. I couldn't resist but to stop and take a photo of it. There has to be beauty in it somewhere.

I was right.

Copyright : R.F. Baria Instagram : @Tsoinami

Over and Under the Bridge

I have always love walking from home to Glorietta. It usually takes about 30 minutes on foot. I would never pass up seeing beauty in every way I can such as this.

Copyright : R.F. Baria Instagram : @Tsoinami

Everywhere by LnM Projekt Featuring Bonnie Bailey

Life they say, is a beach. If it were one, it would be a giant Bonnie Bailey party. You just don't care about the worries of the world and you just dance your problems away. But in reality, life is no beach, merely, one beautiful summer that you get to enjoy until it eventually fades into memory.

Recap

It has been a while since I stopped writing. Death in the family can really cripple you into neglecting even the things you love to do. But that’s all water under the bridge. I’ll probably write about it some time, but not today. I feel like, after a very long break, I’m starting over again, and when I turned 40 last May, I am a totally different person.

I stopped caring.

Yes, as cruel as it sounds, I stopped giving a fuck about trivial things like how some men can wear underwear underneath boxer shorts underneath a pair of jeans (who does that anyway?) I used to be bothered by noise (I still am) but now, I somehow have learned to channel it by creating noise of a much greater scale to get even. I started unfollowing people on Twitter (those who make no absolute sense anyway) and I could care less if they unfollowed me too. Facebook also seemed meh, as I opted to keep in touch with just a very few friends, those who matter anyway. I am now on the verge of deleting Facebook Messenger, maybe after converting family and friends to Line or Skype (no viber please). I’ll probably even get a Blackberry just to shy away from the iPhone wielding crowd.

I started learning French.

Well, I’m not really sure how this will end but…. I think it is good to know a fifth language you know, just in case. No offense meant, but I really find it annoying when some people start talking in English with their preposterous accents (read: those in customer service) in an environment where majority of people present at least 30% above the poverty line. My parents always taught me that it is rude to speak in a different language when there is a chance for you to interact with others. But that’s really the opposite of why I speak four languages (French being the fifth) as I do not want people to understand my everyday thoughts with the exception of sharing these. It’s like some members of  the Filipino Chinese community talking to each other in Fookien when they can merely address each other in Filipino. I find it rude, but, whatever makes them sleep better at night I guess.

I started eating black rice.

When I went home in Negros last December, I remember wondering why the family is eating ube for lunch. Silly me, it was black rice. Trust me, it is good for your digestion, makes you feel full longer, and makes you eat less. A caveat though, it is an acquired taste. At first, it might gross you out why you’re having this violet thing (incidentally it turns dark violet when cooked) with your food. You’ll get used to it. You’ll live.

I started binge watching Revenge.

Yeah yeah yeah show’s over but give me a break, I haven’t watched it since I forgot how twisted Emily Thorne could be yet she can show vulnerability as well.

I started to have an epiphany that the same shit is about to hit the fan.

It’s the little things that add up. It’s the same thing you have witnessed and experienced before and are too blind to acknowledge it. I wish I could say more. What I do know is, I am not putting up with this again.

My three month hiatus wasn’t really a waste after all.

Damned - Shimoli

 It's one of those days when you're so pissed off that the only thing describing your emotion is a song....

Shush... It's Not the End of the World

How many times have you opened up yourself to the possibility of a relationship by putting yourself out there and hoping that you meet Mr. Right instead of Mr. Right Now? Countless I presume, in more unconventional and creative ways, if I may add. You put in so much effort by putting your best foot forward with the hope that you will hit it off and live your happily ever after.

But that is not always the case.

Sometimes, your effort pays off and you begin your journey towards rose colored glasses, bed of roses and what have you. Well, good for you. But oftentimes, it does not end there, and you are left in that crossroad of your life wondering what the hell happened. (You actually have a clue but you are too proud to admit to yourself that it didn’t work and you’re still hoping for lightning to strike the same place twice so that you can reignite that fire and live your days in Lala Land.)

When things don’t work out, you go on the offense and charge without thinking. You don’t care whatever it takes to get that person to like you again, and you allow yourself to bask in a rain of a shitload of crazy just to get him back. Oftentimes, you fail to ask yourself the basic question of “WHY DIDN’T IT WORK?”

Well I’ll tell you why :

   1. He is married.

You keep on hoping that by some strange divine intervention, the wife dies and he comes running back to you. Boom, happy ending. But she’s not dying anytime soon, is she?

2. He is in a relationship.

Motherfu....! You found out that despite all the time he spends with you, he still has somebody else to come home to, and you constantly tell him that you won’t be demanding for any more of his time as long as he doesn’t leave you. Hello, wake up! The mere fact that he still doesn’t break it off means that he has no intention of being exclusively with you. You are just a side dish. A garnish. A hobby. Shall I go on?

  3. He has commitment issues.

Walang kayo! He doesn’t want to put down his gloves yet because he still has game and he wants to play. And right now, he’s playing horse chasing a carrot. You are the horse.

  4. He’s just not into you.

Let’s play charades. Four words, Filipino. “HINDI KA NYA GUSTO”. Oo bes, sorry pero hindi talaga. He might be using you for sex, or your money but other than that, nada. Zero, zilch, sayonara.

And there you are in your delusional world still hoping that he is coming back. I can tell that you are still convincing yourself to chase after him and make it work. Please don’t. Stop crying, stand up, dust yourself off and put yourself out there again. I know you are tired, I know you might be feeling a little discouraged but, no pain no gain right?

Please know that you deserve to be loved. It might not be the person you want (common, we can’t always get what we want, stop rolling in the dirt like a spoiled brat), but if you open yourself to a world of possibilities, you might surprise yourself one day when you get to hum tunes, recite verses, make mix tapes (does anybody still do that?), smile and fall in love all over again. 

It’s not the end of the world babe. It’s just merely the end of a lousy chapter.

Far From Home - Gamper & Dadoni

Home is that beacon of hope and love that you look for, no matter where you are in the world. 

Home is that little piece of heaven inside of you that lulls you back into sanity in a world of chaos and discord. 

Home is that crossroad where your hopes and dreams collide with your worst fears, yet you feel safe knowing that you will always be loved. 

Home is where the heart is. 

Home is with you.

Break It To Me Gently..... (Naaah!)

Sometimes relationships fail. And when that stench of failure hits the fan it stinks. So what do you do? You lie there motionless like a rug and just let people walk over you. You spend days and nights crying over what could have been. You spend all effort and energy trying to paddle and save a sinking Titanic. Chances are, you won't. And you cry some more, until such time you start blaming yourself for the breakup. Oo, ang tanga tanga mo! There I said it for you.

But let me tell you this, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. (Well unless you're the prick who went out of his way to screw everything up, then by all means you can go to hell. Don't bother sending us a postcard). You could have just been a victim of someone who has been masterfully orchestrating this breakup because they are dipshits who found somebody new.

Have you ever heard of these lines?

1. It is not you, it's me. 
(Read: I did something wrong but I'm not gonna tell you)

2. I have to work on myself. 
(Read: I found someone new, and I'd like to make it work)

3. You deserve better. 
(Read: I deserve better)

4. I feel guilty, I think you love me more than I love you. 
(Read: I don't love you anymore)

5. We can still be friends 
(Read: If it doesn't work out, I can still come back to you)

6. We should start seeing other people.
(Read: I started seeing other people)

7. I think we are sexually incompatible
(Read: I slept with someone else)

8. I need to focus on my career/family 
(Read: I need to focus on my new relationship)

9. I think we're moving too fast 
(Read: This is not working anymore)

10. I'm not good enough for you 
(Read: This is not good enough for me)

11. We're not just a perfect fit. 
(Read: I'm tired of making it work)

12. I need space. 
(Read: I want to see other people)

13. It's for the best. 
(Read: I want what's best for me)

Chances are, if you've been told any of these lines, accepted it hook, line and sinker without an iota of a doubt and swallowed it like a motherfucking pill, you have been played. And very well, if I may add more salt to your wound. You see, some people have been playing the game for so long they become really skilled at it, and they could just break hearts without any remorse. And there you are, crying your poor poor heart out.

So now that I've broken it down into bits that you can swallow and stomach, I want you to stop crying this instant. Tumigil ka, sasampalin na kita. I want you to get up, take a shower, a long one if you must. I want you to start fixing yourself - dress up, girls you put on your makeup (make sure it's waterproof mascara). You don't have to go anywhere, I just want you to see your beautiful self again before all of this brouhaha. I want you to know that you are good enough to be loved and that you will find love again.

You're not a rock babe. Get up and move. Live your life again.

I Love You Always Forever - Betty Who

There are times when a revival is poorly done that instead of making the original song a better version to capture a new market, it ends up worse than the original. There are a few revivals however, that are at par with the original version, making the song current once more.

Betty Who's revival of a Donna Lewis original is a classic example of a good thing reborn without bastardizing the original version.

No ifs, no buts... Just do it!

Hello kids, daddy's back. Hush now....

I have been meaning to write the past four days but I lost my mojo and I don't think I've already got it back. Excuses, excuses, yada yada... blah blah blah, which brings me to this moment.

Have you ever made plans of doing something important - learning a new language, mastering a new skill (like taking a bath or brushing your teeth), pondering on thought provoking questions (like is butter a carb?), or making life changing decisions (like wearing underwear today), yet you end up NOT DOING because you have been putting it off? Guilty!

I am not saying that you're lazy. All I am saying is that you have been meaning to do what you needed to do but you lacked the focus, motivation or even the follow through in doing it. Maybe you think you have enough time after a long day and you decided to put it off till later only to find out that something else needed your attention. Fact is, YOU HAVE THE TIME to do it, but you won't. So instead of second guessing yourself, overanalyzing, and finding excuses not to do it NOW, why not JUST DO IT and get it over and done with? It makes sense right? Yes it does, especially when you know that you're going to end up doing it anyway.

Focus, motivate yourself, and do what you need to do when you need to do it. Make full use of your time by making time and getting rid of all of your excuses and you'll end up becoming more productive than you could ever imagine.

Vibe - Fly By Midnight

There are moments that you just have to appreciate the rawness of music (and its lyrics) without arguing with your moral compass.

This is one of those moments. Shut up, just enjoy.

Control Your Reaction

No matter how good you are at managing your life, you can't always control each and every situation you are in. HOWEVER, you can always control how you will react to each and every situation. 

You do not need to burden yourself with overthinking and overanalyzing everything and spend your days being paralyzed by allowing these to have power and control over you. You do not have to react to everything being thrown at you, even at the things that irritate you. Learn to isolate yourself from the situation and think if it will do you any good spending too much time dealing with it or just simply brushing it off and moving on.

Sometimes, the best way to deal with something is by doing NOTHING at all. 

Speak Your Truth

When was the last time that you spoke to someone without sugarcoating your words? You don't remember do you? We are all hardwired to be polite at all times and we try to avoid saying anything to offend people even if it is the truth. In the process, we lose the essence of our thoughts, and we lose ourselves in the process. We devalue honesty in place of patronizing people just to make them feel good about themselves. But what if the truth about what you are about to say can save someone? What if hearing your words makes them better persons? That's a totally different ballgame now isn't it? 

Learn to speak your truth without mincing your words. It will be worth it.

Life is NEVER Easy

It is one of those days that don’t make sense. And because it does not make sense and you have already exhausted all your mental prowess, have summoned your emotional reserves or maybe you have been hanging on a lifeline, you simply say LIFE IS DIFFICULT. You begin to feel sad, you allow yourself to be taken over by depression until you shut yourself off from the world.

Well I have news for you. LIFE IS DIFFICULT. It has always been hard. It was never meant to be easy. You need to take that into your system and deal with it. The sooner you begin to accept that concept, the idea of life being difficult will no longer bother you. It will no longer matter. 


From now on, you will face whatever problems or hardships coming your way with a smile and simply say, “bring it on”.

B-R-E-A-T-H-E

Take time to stop for a while and enjoy your surroundings. Have coffee with your friends, share lunch with your co-workers. It's gonna be a long day ahead but you'll get thru it.

Somebody Else - The 1975

And sometimes, your gut tells you something is wrong but you ignore it. You deny yourself the possibility of knowing the truth because it will hurt you.

And you continue to wallow in your unending sea of despair until it consumes you....

Untitled

I have always loved to write for as long as I can remember. Writing has been my best friend, a constant unfailing friend even during the darkest hours of my life. I have always been told that I have the soul of a writer, whatever that means. All I know is that the moment I wake up, I can’t think of nothing else to do but write.

Like most writers, I grew up trying to find my voice – the same voice that tells me what to write as I am writing this. When I write, it feels like an out of body experience – it’s like sitting down and talking to another version of myself, while I stay seated listening, and writing down what I hear. It’s like listening to an old friend’s tale and immortalizing each word the best way possible.

My Literature professor, Alona Guevarra would always tell me that I will never be happy sitting down behind a desk doing a nine to five job. I have a note from her to prove it, I’ve kept it all these years. I don’t really know what she meant by that, as I scoff every time I read that note, proving to myself that writing will never be my bread and butter. But maybe, it wasn’t meant to be. She knew something I didn’t. How could I? I was only 17.

I aspired to be a poet at an early age. It was easier I guess,  I was told that I  just have to make the words rhyme. And so I did. I would fire away words in my arsenal to make my poems pleasing to the ears. To me, any written poem that does not rhyme is meaningless. It should rhyme. But then I introduced to Edgar Allan Poe, Walter Savage Landor, and Dylan Thomas. My perfect world of rhymes collapsed and I didn’t know how to write poems anymore.  It was tragic for a ten-year-old.

I started writing about people, about places and about things I found inspiring. High school seemed to be the perfect  source of anything awe inspiring. It was too perfect and was too good to be true. As I look back, I wish somebody had yanked me out of that dream and told me that life is not perfect, that life is not fair, and that there was a shitload of ugly coming my way. Nonetheless, I was so preoccupied in my perfect little bubble, with my perfect friends, perfect life experiences, which when reviewed now, seems too jaded and superficial. Nothing is perfect.

I started questioning my writing fundamentals in college. I could not find my voice. Should I be a poet? Should I write about the perfectly wonderful people and things around me? Or should I start writing about the darkness that is looming on the horizon? I started questioning everything to the point of asking  what do I want to do with my life. It wasn’t a bad question. It wasn’t uncommon either. But it was an unanswered question that did not prepare me for a ton of crazy I was about to unravel.

During those crazy times, I wrote about how I felt mostly – about how my heart was broken, about how I cried for a month because it hurt like hell. I discovered what dishonesty really meant, how it really felt when that realization hits you and rips your gut. I wrote about love – being in love, being out of love, being in between love. Sometimes I wish that could just write as honestly as I can about it, and not from a borrowed voice, but I could not find mine.  

I am not sure if the storm has passed. Lately, I am beginning to find myself standing in familiar ground, and another ball of crazy is about to unravel. I could go out there in cyberspace and write about the half truths of my experiences. Nobody will question me. Or I could go back to that place where I will sit down again with myself and write every word as it was meant to be written.

But will you listen?