A Love Letter

Dear Self, 

I am sorry that you are in this moment again because of me. You wonder why you are always the one left picking up the pieces after they move on and leave? Simple, I loved too much, I cared too much, and in the process, I lost me.

I invested too much time and effort building something that I thought would now last a lifetime, only to see it crumble overnight. And in the aftermath, I am left in the middle hoping to put the pieces back together. But they don't fit anymore. Some pieces are lost, some irrecoverable.

I spent too much time thinking about other people's happiness instead of my own. I devoted much time taking care of others, hoping to build a home, that I forgot to take care of myself.

I spent many a few holidays with others, thinking it will fill the void, when in fact, I ought to have spent it closer to home - to family, to my friends, to me.

And no matter how difficult it may have seemed - emotionally, physically, financially, I mustered the courage to make sure everything was taken cared of, everyone was taken cared of, except for me. I should have cared for me instead.

And now I end, with the peace knowing that I did my best, I gave it my all, yet I am afraid that I no longer have any love to give to someone else who comes after. That is a burden which that person will bear. And I hope that despite that, whoever the person maybe, will stay.

So rest now my breaking heart. Heal. It is now time to let go. It is now time to forget.

Me

The Sound of Silence

Hello Blogger my old friend

I've come to write to you again

Because a feeling slowly sweeping

Left it's seed while I was busy dreaming

And that feeling, devastated me in my wake

And still remains.... as a mere sound of silence.....

Break It To Me Gently..... (Naaah!)

Sometimes relationships fail. And when that stench of failure hits the fan it stinks. So what do you do? You lie there motionless like a rug and just let people walk over you. You spend days and nights crying over what could have been. You spend all effort and energy trying to paddle and save a sinking Titanic. Chances are, you won't. And you cry some more, until such time you start blaming yourself for the breakup. Oo, ang tanga tanga mo! There I said it for you.

But let me tell you this, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. (Well unless you're the prick who went out of his way to screw everything up, then by all means you can go to hell. Don't bother sending us a postcard). You could have just been a victim of someone who has been masterfully orchestrating this breakup because they are dipshits who found somebody new.

Have you ever heard of these lines?

1. It is not you, it's me. 
(Read: I did something wrong but I'm not gonna tell you)

2. I have to work on myself. 
(Read: I found someone new, and I'd like to make it work)

3. You deserve better. 
(Read: I deserve better)

4. I feel guilty, I think you love me more than I love you. 
(Read: I don't love you anymore)

5. We can still be friends 
(Read: If it doesn't work out, I can still come back to you)

6. We should start seeing other people.
(Read: I started seeing other people)

7. I think we are sexually incompatible
(Read: I slept with someone else)

8. I need to focus on my career/family 
(Read: I need to focus on my new relationship)

9. I think we're moving too fast 
(Read: This is not working anymore)

10. I'm not good enough for you 
(Read: This is not good enough for me)

11. We're not just a perfect fit. 
(Read: I'm tired of making it work)

12. I need space. 
(Read: I want to see other people)

13. It's for the best. 
(Read: I want what's best for me)

Chances are, if you've been told any of these lines, accepted it hook, line and sinker without an iota of a doubt and swallowed it like a motherfucking pill, you have been played. And very well, if I may add more salt to your wound. You see, some people have been playing the game for so long they become really skilled at it, and they could just break hearts without any remorse. And there you are, crying your poor poor heart out.

So now that I've broken it down into bits that you can swallow and stomach, I want you to stop crying this instant. Tumigil ka, sasampalin na kita. I want you to get up, take a shower, a long one if you must. I want you to start fixing yourself - dress up, girls you put on your makeup (make sure it's waterproof mascara). You don't have to go anywhere, I just want you to see your beautiful self again before all of this brouhaha. I want you to know that you are good enough to be loved and that you will find love again.

You're not a rock babe. Get up and move. Live your life again.

Tentoki in the Flesh: Pathological Liars

Have you ever had that feeling in your gut that you have been wronged? That no matter how polite certain people are, no matter how kind and caring these people are and no matter how hard they repeatedly tell you that they love you, there is a certain evil that lurks that you can't just figure out? You feel that someway and somehow.... YOU HAVE BEEN WRONGED, but you can't seem to reconcile how.

There are people lurking everywhere with evil minds and black hearts, yet these people have perfected their transformation that their evil intentions are subtly masked by their positive traits. They have perfected the art of seduction, the art of manipulation and my favorite of all : SELECTIVE HONESTY (Read: Lying). These people have mastered the art of pushing the people who love them to the edge of a cliff while they masterfully gloat over their triumph. They refer to the demise of people as a hobby, power play a sport, and destruction as happiness.

But how can it be you say? When you have devoted your entire life trying to cater to these people's needs, worshiping their egos, boosting their morale, filling in for some dysfunction in their families, and when you made each and every effort to create harmony as far as your dealing s with them are concerned? You're wrong! Truly, madly, deeply wrong! These people have no conscience, as if when the consciousness of having a conscience was forming in their primitive craniums, this was already replaced with the same evil that flows in their veins.

A good friend said, you can never change bad people. I say YES, you can't, but you can always change how they affect you and your wellbeing. These people are hopeless, so, no effort to change from their end can be expected. No effort from your end to make them change should be expected. You are just wasting your time. You will never be good enough to these people and your efforts meaningless.These people should not be encouraged. They should be pitied, because that's what they truly are - sad, pitiful, lying and untrustworthy demons.

The Train Ride That was Meant to Last 99 Years

Copyright Ritche F. Baria, February 02, 2010

From that day I saw an old couple, probably in their 60's, sharing trains with each other like as if it were their first, I've always hoped that I will share more train rides with you for the rest of our lives. And you said you would... From that moment on... I knew I will always look forward to that.

But here I am alone... looking past each building, each car, each post, every tree in sight, every glimpse of yellow sun that reminds me something is missing... it was you....

I keep on retracing each and every of our steps - every restaurant, every coffee shop, every cinema, every shop, everything that reminds me of a future that never will be. I guess I will be doing this for a while, maybe not to torture myself, but to remind myself not ever to allow my heart to get control of me.

Next stop, Ayala Station....

I remember this escalator, the very same escalator where you met me when you were shopping for your Halloween trimmings. I could recall each faint hello and giggle that went with it, and how surprised you were when I told you I was in Ayala. You were hungry then, but I said.. I'll take care of it... and I love taking care of you.

There goes that Max's restaurant where we made up after that night I walked out. Well, we almost didn't make up, but thanks to that couple who, in their eccentric minds started taking pictures, and made us laugh. You were meeting your friends then to attend Paulo's mom's birthday party. And on that night, you so proud to tell Tricia I was important... I guess I was... maybe...

Do you remember this activity area where we usually check out gadgets? You'll love what's on display. Being the photography fanatic that you are, you will droll over the lenses on display... but then again.. you are not here.

There's Food Choices.... remember how we just sit there over ice cream if we were too lazy to eat or think about eating... I could still see us seated and laughing about how other people would stare at us... yeah.. good times.

Who could forget the cinemas? You or me patiently waiting at Wendy's where we'd get food there or at Taters? The fries that you love, the fillets that I have been accustomed to eating.... the endless checking of merchandise at Rustan's while waiting for the screening.. (well you finally did get that bag you wanted)... and how you were irated by that attendant who made comments on you... yeah.. you always had it in you...

Now going to Greenbelt -- Topman, Topshop, Gola,name all the brands and we've been there... the late afternoon mass at Greenbelt which we couldnt finish either because of the heat or because we were impatient. And.... that's the bench where we argued and I walked out.... Sigh...I could explain to you again a hundred times that I did come back for you, but you weren't there.

Raging Storm.. Hahahaha! We showed them didn't we? We finished the entire game. Now no one's playing... No one seems to bother... No one seems to care touching those makeshift armalites.

Who could forget Centro? We were so pleased with that waitress that we decided to leave her a note written on tissues. But the waitresses/waiters there have been warm to us... maybe they were amused or glad.. I don't know anymore....

Recipes has been a new favorite. I told you that you will like Gising-gising.. and you did. I'm just glad now that at least, I was able to convince you to eat your veggies, now I know you will always be healthy...

Banana Leaf!!!!!! From that time we went to Cebu, we have always loved lamb curry. I remember standing in line outside that same door when I bought some for you when you stayed late for work. Like I said.. I do love taking good care of you....

Conti's! =) Pity they don't have that Mango Cream cake you love.. It's a good thing I was able to get you one whole cake before they phased it out... I wish I could find one for you again... Maybe not...

Greenbelt 1, Greenbelt 5 all restos and shops.... these all remind me of you... It gets harder and harder going around knowing that wherever I go, these all remind me of you. But this is the only way I can feel connected to you.

And Starbucks....the last place we ever saw each other, probably for the last time....I remember how controlled I was talking to you, you were as controlled as ever, and just that we didn't meet halfway. I never imagined that it will end that way... or this way.....

I keep on retracing the same steps till I get on that same train again....

Shangri-La? Where you bought my cake? Where you bought bibingka for your mom?

Megamall? Where you got me cookies and water when I was impatiently waiting for my turn at Smart?

Or should I go to The Block or Trinoma where everything began....? Asparagus wrapped in bacon for dinner? Movie starring Clive Owen "The International"? Coffee at Starbucks? Each and every memory playing in an endless loop...

The way I see it... my entire world revolved around you.. until the next 99 years...

I will keep on taking these trains, retracing these steps until finally one day, I will learn to give up..... maybe I won't.... But until that day.. these trains will still go on travelling their routes --- back and forth.... and who knows..... maybe when the time is right.... maybe we can share one train ride again.....

Maybe..... but I'm not counting on it anymore.......

Nostalgia is a Piece of Crap

My mobile was ringing off the hook today receiving calls from my bosses and text messages but there was one particular annoying instance that my phone had to vibrate endlessly and give out a high pitched alarm to remind me of something. Now what could be that life changing event that I had to remind myself of? I picked up my phone just to check what it is and to my dismay, the screen flashes ..."ANNIVERSARY"..... Oh yeah I forgot to update my calendar.Actually the supposed "anniversary" is tomorrow but at that time I entered the reminder into my calendar, I thought I'd plan ahead. Wrooonnngggg!

Now, I'm finding several things Ive never thought I have kept like the floral patterned paper which wrapped the flowers I got from last year, Libby the Lobster (who I thought was already suffocating from being inside my drawer for more than a month now) and other stuff. But what do these things mean anyway? Nothing really.... just memories of a makeshift past. Do I wanna go to Starbucks West Avenue tomorrow and hang-out for a while to close this cycle? I dunno. Sounds like a chore.

After tomorrow, May 08 will lose its significance. It will just be one of the numbers you mark on a calendar to signify that the day has passed. No more cake, no more flowers, no more Happy Anniversary card, no more Starbucks West Avenue.

Its time to stop caring, after all, it was just all pretend and bullshit.

Yeng Constantino: Cool Off

I do not know who Yeng Constantino is, I am not familiar with her music either. But today, I became a fan. She has a way of conveying emotion into her songs that make her so convincing. Anyway, I came across this song, I’m sharing this with you. Its called Cool Off.

COOL OFF
Yeng Constantino


Wala akong iba
Di tulad ng iyong hinala

Sarili ay di maintindihan
Hindi ko malaman,Ano ba ang dahilan
Nang pansamantalang paghingi ko ng kalayaan
Minamahal kita,Pero kaylangan ko lang mag-isa

(Chorus)
Wag mong isipin na hindi kana mahal
Sarili ko`y hahanapin ko lang
At ang panahon at ang oras ng aking pagkawala
Ay para rin sa ating dalawa

Wag ka sanang lumuha
Sana`y intindihin
Ito ang dapat nating gawin
Upang magkakilala pa
At malaman kung tayo
Ay para sa isa`t isa

Wag mong pigilin ang damdamin
Sa aking pagkawala,Makahanap ka bigla ng iba

Ngunit pakakatandaan
Na mahal pa rin kita,Pero kaylangan ko lang mag-isa

(Chorus)
Wag mong isipin na hindi kana mahal
Sarili ko`y hahanapin ko lang
At ang panahon at ang oras ng aking pagkawala
Ay para rin sa ating dalawa
ahh yeah……..

Sarili ay di maintindihan
Hindi ko malaman,Ano ba ang dahilan
Nang pansamantalang paghingi ko ng kalayaan
Minamahal kita, Pero kilangan ko lang mag-isa

(Chorus)
Wag mong isipin na hindi kana mahal
Sarili ko`y hahanapin ko lang
At ang panahon at ang oras ng aking pagkawala
Ay para rin sa ating…

(Chorus)
Wag mong isipin na hindi kana mahal
Sarili ko`y hahanapin ko lang
At ang panahon at ang oras ng aking pagkawala
Ay para rin sa ating dalawa..
ahh yeah ahh wooooooooooooo..

Ok, I dunno about the last part but this song rocks.

I Just Had to Hear Your Voice: Oletta Adams

I know you thought it best
That we spend a little time apart
But one night with out you
Was too much for my heart
I know I promised not to call
Sorry but I didn't have a choice
I just had to hear your voice

I had to know that you're okay
I couldn't get to sleep this way

Please don't be mad at me
'Cause I really did the best I could
Not to dial your number but it didn't do much good
Hung up the phone so many times
'Til I didn't have a choice
I just had to hear your voice

I had to know that you're okay
I couldn't get to sleep this way
And I had to hear you say hello
Had to hear you, because I love you so

I know you thought it best
That we spend a little time apart
But I had to hear your voice
Though I know it wasn't right
I just had to hear your voice
Goodnight

Confessions

Kumusta ka na Harbor Square? Dito na na naman ako.

Oo nga pala, naalala mo si.....? Oo, sya nga yung nakilala mo ilang summers ago. Sya yung kasa-kasama ko dito manood ng sunsets mo, yung last na nakasama ko nung January, yung time na nabasa kami ng ulan? We are not together anymore. Iniwan na nya ako. Mga one week na rin.

...There's always this one person, that no matter what he/she does to hurt you, you can't stop loving 'em......

Alam mo, wag mo akong tanungin what happened. Malabo pa rin sa akin ang lahat pero pilit kong iniintindi. Bakit akala mo ganito lang kadali to? Hindi ah, 2 years kong kasa-kasama araw-araw yun!

..Maybe part of loving is letting go, because I'm still holding on to someone who is never going to come back......

Alam mo, balang araw, when i finally understand bakit sya umalis, sasabihin ko rin sayo. Promise. Basta ang sabi lang nya, mahal daw nya ako but its time for me to let go. Oo, hindi ganun kadali, pero, mahal ko yung tao eh. Wala namang sinabi yun na hindi ko sinunod. Except.....

...between our loud laughs, our long fights, and our moments of silence, I fell more in love with you ......

Except...eto lang nung March 10, nawalan ako ng control at nasaktan ko siya nang husto. Napakaliit na bagay lang yun kung tutuusin, at oo foul yung ginawa, alam ko... nangyari na... Iniwan ko sya sa sobrang sama ng loob ko, sa sobrang sakit ng dibdib ko... pero mali yun. I forgot to consider if nung araw na yun, masama rin yung araw nya or malungkot din sya... Nagalit sya, nasaktan ko sya. pero habang papalayo ako nun, nadudurog din puso ko. Nakita ko syang malungkot....I was very sorry... very very very very sorry. Siguro kung pwede kong ulit-ulitin yung pagsorry ko, gagawin ko ulit, pero wala na....... That was where it started.

... why don't you love me back ......

Bakit ayaw na nya sa akin? Because I failed the one person who loved me. Maliit na bagay lang yun para sa iba, pero big deal yun for me. Hindi ko sya dapat iniwan nun. Kahit na ba, dati nagawa din nya akong iwan, nagawa din nya mag-walk-out sa akin... wala na sa akin yun... Hindi ko pa rin dapat ginawang iwan sya. Kaya nga nung Wednesday after that incident, I was preparing myself na iwan na nya ako, pero alam mo... tinanggap pa rin nya sorry ko. Sabi nya, gusto pa rin nya to be with me..., I asked again if sure sya, oo daw.. I had to be sure, sabi ko, I am impatient, may pagka-OC and I'm a lot of things you dont like, do you want to stay with me? Sabi nya oo... That was enough for me because I was more than willing to stay and make up for what I did. Hinding hindi ko na yun uulitin.... maski na for whatever reason pa.

... why do i care ......

Bakit ganun ko sya kamahal? Gusto mo talaga malaman? Nagbago kasi lahat nung hinawakan nya kamay ko in front of friends for the first time suot-suot yung ring na bigay ko, and ang sabi nya " we are going to be together forever". It was more than enough for me. Sya lang pinakilala ko sa bestfriend ko.

Matagal na tayo magkakilala Harbor Square, pero sabi ko naman sayo dati, ang taong ipapakilala ko lang sayo, ay yung asawa ko, the one I am meant to be with for the rest of my life. For me, sya na yun. Ayoko ng iba... sya lang. Kahit till now, it hasnt changed. Sya pa rin at sya lang.

Sya lang yung tao na makakapigil ng galit ko, ng sama ng loob ko kasi pag tumingin sya sa akin, its always like as if nakita nya ako for the first time.Sa kanya ko lang nakita yun.Yeah yeah yeah, Ive dated several good looking people, pero wala eh....wala sila nung ganung look...

Sya lang din yung tao na naisama o sa lahat ng plans ko... how many kids shall we have, what will be their names, (Gusto nya Namibia yung name nung girl namin .. hehehe), even yung masters bedroom, yung sala ng house, alam na namin kung papaano gagawin.

Sya lang yung tao nakayang tumabi sa akin for several hours doing nothing, nakasandal lang sa akin, nakahawak sa hands ko, naka-hug or whatever.

Sya yung reason second to God of course, why nagsimba ulit ako.

Sya yung immediate answer ko when people ask me what I'm thinking about.

Teka muna, hanggang 8:30 lang ako dito eh...alam mo, mauubos ang oras ko dito sayo if I were to tell you the many reasons bakit mahal na mahal ko ang asawa ko. Alam mo na yun eh... every Sunday after church, sinasabi ko sayo di ba?

... I keep telling myself I cant force you to love me back, but I cant force myself to stop loving you either ......

So ngayon alam mo na why I have been crying for one week? Last Sunday lang you saw me jogging here crying. The entire week, I spent my days at work crying...Officemates lang siguro ang nakakaalam how bad my heart is broken.

I mean common Harbor Square, we're OK na eh. we made plans for the holy week. Wala naman kaso yun if kasama nya family nya at na-cancel yung mga plans namin. Kaya ko naman mag-isa eh. Besides napakabait ng mga friends nya (lalo na si Louie) to offer to keep me company. (Though I declined, sorry Louie). Pero iba pala dating sa kanya nun.

Last saturday morning till about early evening we were ok. I was trying to address why sad sya and it turned out bigla ko na lang nalaman, I am the reason why sad sya. There were a lot of issues na binato nya sa akin that I tried to explain but ayaw nya ako pakinggan until finally, sabi nya, gusto nya mag-isa. Akala ko naman.. time-out lang....until this Wednesday I confirmed, ayaw na nya sa akin for a lot of reasons I still dont understand.

... I wll never be good enough for you, at least I tried ......

Nagmakaawa ako for the first time in my life. Lahat ng klaseng pagmamakaawa ginawa ko wag lang sya umalis, wag lang nya ako iwan.But it didnt work. It was fixed that I should be alone so I can do what I want daw, so I can be a better person, na kailangan daw muna nya ayusin a lot of things and magagawa lang nya yun if alone sya, a lot of things Harbor Square....The worst part was, asking me to let go. Gumuho ang mundo ko....hindi ko kayang i-reconcile yung sinabi nyang nag-stay sya for the wrong reasons and its just now that realization dawned that its unfair daw to me... whaaat? Ano ba kailangan ko gawin? ayaw nya akong kausapin in person, ayaw nya ako tawagan basta na lang nagtext sya to let go...Alam mo ba kung gaano kasakit yun Harbor Square? The one person whom you least expect to do this to you cant even talk to you personally? Its like giving me a passport not to save the relationship! But I tried... and I failed.

... You will never know how much I love you, and how bad you broke my heart ......

Bakit masama ang loob ko? Bakit ako bitter? Bakit ako devastated? Because I gave it my all. Sabi ko naman sa kanya and alam nya what I had to give up to be in this relationship. Not that I am taking into account alot of things.. ang sa akin lang...I fought for this relationship for two years and just for these reasons, iniwan nya ako? Leaving me isnt gonna change anything.. it will just make it worse.I have managed to survice this long because andyan sya. I am a better person and I always strive to be a better person because andyan sya.Pero ano naman gagawin ko kung ayaw na nya sa akin?

... Let's just be friends, turn around and say OK, but this broken heart gets worse everyday ......

Not a day has passed na hindi ko sya na-miss. I look everywhere I see images nung mukha nya, the things that we did here, and there... Arrrrggghhh! This is crazy. I cant even bear to just sit here and think about missing everything. Sure, I said, I wil let you go, pero hindi naman ako katanga to think that it will be that easy. I try to tell myself its gonna e ok, so bakit andito na naman ako Harbor Square kung ok ako?

... Never break the heart that loves you ......

You think i'm silly don't you. Look Harbor Square, I'm still wearing my ring.. it wont come off. I guess, what I'm trying to say is.... this all that's left of what we had. I'm trying to retrace our steps everyday, and I'm slowly trying to get used to go to the places where we have been... alone.. Time doesnt heal old wounds, it merely blurs the memory and softens the pain. But I guess in my case, I gave my heart away, I wasnt able to get it back. I dont regret breaking the hearts of other people who wanted me to be with them, because I had to save my relationship, I had to be in love with and only with the same person.. sya at sya lang. In the end.. the same person broke my heart, and yet mahal na mahal ko pa rin sya even with the small fragments of my broken heart.

... If you can't get someone out of your head, maybe they are meant to be there......

Naiisip ko pa rin sya every day. From simple thoughts like...Nasa school na kaya sya? Nagbreakfast nakaya sya? Sino na naman kayang gago yung sumira sa araw nya? Na-stress kaya sya ngayon with the kids? Nakatulog na naman kaya sya kaya lumagpas ng SM? Naiwan na naman kaya nya towel nya? Nawala na naman kaya wallet nya? Maling pair of shoes na naman kaya dala nya? Tapos nakaya sya mag-gym? Ano kaya gusto nya kainin mamaya? Nakauwi na kaya sya?

It gets worse...Umiiyak kaya sya katulad ko? Mahal kaya talaga nya ako? Bakit nya ako iniwan kung mahal nya ako? Babalik pa kaya sya? Paano na ako kung di na sya bumalik? Maalala kaya nya 2nd year anniversary namin? Nasaan kaya sya ngayon? Wala kaya syang ibang kasama? May mahal na kaya syang iba?

... I fell for you, you didnt for me......

Then I thought about one thing... Kung mahal mo naman talaga ako hindi mo ako iniwan. Kung mahal mo ako kaya mo tiisin kahit mahirap knowing that hindi naman kita pababayaan. Kung mahal mo ako, hindi ka na lang basta biglang sumuko and you left, sabi ko naman sayo, asawa kita, magtulungan tayo. Kung mahal mo ako, you would have the courtesy of showing your face at sabihin mo sa kin ng derecho na hindi mo na ako mahal or merong iba or merong ibang reason pa kung bakit wala na tayo.Kung mahal mo ako, you could have broken up with me properly and not thru text messaging. Kung mahal mo ako.... kung mahal mo lang naman talaga ako.... bakit mo ginawa sa akin to?

... I quit pretending that you love me.....

Harbor Square, I need to take care of myself now. It is tough being alone. But being alone is better than pretending.

Mahal pa kaya nya ako, di ko alam. Babalik pa kaya sya, di ko alam. Meron na kaya syang ibang mahal, di ko alam. Maaalala kaya nya 2nd year anniversary namin, di ko alam. Basta ang alam ko.... ako itong iniwan. Ako itong mag-isa, at ako itong nagmakaawa na mahalin nya.

At dito ako ngayon sa harap mo...

So pwede na ba akong umupo dyan sa isang tabi at umiyak? Promise, last na to.

Broken

The lights along West Avenue seemed darker tonight - the same lights which used to guide me to you. They have never failed me. The path towards SM seemed a bit narrower, a bit longer, a bit rough - the same path I take everyday for nearly two years to be with you. Even the breeze that comforts the same journey to you burns my skin.. dries my tears. This must be purgatory.

Over the makeshift pedestrian bridge are faces full of joy. But I could not recognize their smiles. Even the cheerful vendors who never seem to tire appear to have lost their strength. The bridge is shaky as if it were going to collapse and bury us all in chunks of debris. Hell approaches near.

By the time I took the first step down, I could not move. My legs have failed me for the first time as if they were clad with balls of iron, immobilizing each and every tendon. I dragged both feet down the stairs and froze. More people with blank faces greet me. The usual short walk to the gates of hell seemed farther and farther and farther. Until finally... Hell.

Two demons greeted me at the entrance. While they were being friendly, they poked their tridents into every fabric of my soul. They kept on poking and probing till they were satisfied and they let me thru. But that was just the entrance.

Every single step I took burned my toes.., my feet, even my flesh. This was not what it used to be. The billboards on the walls are all gone. The white vinyl of the same walls are now covered with black tar, lava now flows where the escalators used to be and fire engulfs the narrow halls. I was alone.

I am alone......


The lights of West Avenue used to flicker to the beat of my heart. The road meets my feet and the wind pushes my back as if telling me to hurry. The breeze caresses my face and whispers to me " tart is waiting"...

Joyful people with big grins on their faces greet me as I hurry up the makeshift steps. The pedestrian bridge, no matter how shaky, provided the safety of a mother caring for her children, as I and everybody else hurry down to the steps.

The steps seemed to be oiled, making every stride quick and effortless as I glide thru incoming groups of friendly faces... SM finally...

The guards are friendlier than usual, billboards and posters everywhere, and the white vinyl wall that soothes every tired shopper. The escalators seemed to be guiding me down, the floors again eager to meet my feet as i glide thru that path to you. My comfort for the past years...

We were always together...

You have never ceased looking at me like you have seen me for the first time in those two years. You have always embraced me no matter how worn out you were and you never ceased to look at me with amazement like as if I was the only thing that mattered, I was the only person you see despite the crowd around us.

As I tried to look at you and touch you.., your skin hardens..., you turn paler and paler and then gray... and as I try to hold your hand and pull you towards me... you turn to dust.... The wind blows your debris in all directions..... and I realize... I am back into the same fiery pit...

I was alone..... I'll always be alone....

Requiem

I cant bring myself to even finish putting my thoughts into paper, nor my thoughts into words. I feel like I am about to crash and enter entropy. I am dying.... A few more days, I'd either slit my wrists, get into an overdose and no one will even notice I am gone. No one will care.

As I come to terms with my own mortality, I see faces of people I don't even remember anymore, or perhaps, these were the same people I tried to forget. They're all mocking me.... all laughing at me .... but I don't have the strength to argue nor do I have the will to explain.

I see your face again...... only your face......

By this time, you ought to be fading away from my thoughts... you ought to have stopped haunting me in my dreams.... But no. I see your face even with my waking eye. What have you done to me....

I can only hope that by the time I catch my last breath.. your face escapes my thoughts, but try as I may, every time I go weaker and weaker, you end up mocking me again. How could you......

Yes how could you ........?

.... fall apart and leave me with broken pieces of us --- broken dreams, broken promises, broken hearts. How do you expect me to put these pieces back together... I'm missing a piece here, another one there... Arrrrgh.....

.... smile at me pretending everything is ok when you can just simply grab my heart and crush it before me.... I have always been weak for you, you could have just killed me....

.... say that you want to be with me when you can leave me and push me away. I begged for you to love me... but you kept on pushing me back.. pushing and pushing, harder each time.... until I finally find myself alone.... now where are you....?

.... tell me you love me every night, every moment .... when you never meant it.... Your words escape you.... I don't mean anything at all ..... I am just a burden that you try to get by with, the unhappiness that you survive each day...... I was never someone you loved....

Can't you stop being mad for once and listen to me? I try so hard to explain .... but you keep pushing me back... I tried to tell you you misunderstood... but you're always right... I tried...... but you don't seem to listen...you don't care... NOT ANYMORE. You're too busy not to care and you didn't even hear a word I said. You don't care?

I do not take account of the things I have lost, family who have abandoned me, because there was you..... and you don't care? I didn't realize that two years was too short to not care at all..... Still, I can't even tell the world what I am feeling right now.


You're gone.......


Gone .....

.... where the waves of the see no longer greet me when I say hello.

---- where the paths we have once taken have become twisted in circles

---- where the roars of our laughter are deafened by the silence of pain

---- where all dreams forged on sandy shores are washed away by the mad tides of change

.... where the sun sets to an eternity of darkness

.... where there is no us...., but just me, and the broken pieces that lay before me


You're really gone.....


I'll see you soon.......

.... where the waves meet us each time we say hello

.... where the paths we take lead us both home

.... where the roars of our laughter echo in our souls

..... where the dreams we forged on sandy shores are strengthened by our children

..... where there is us, and there is only love....


But for now... let me die in peace.

Rain

I thought of seeing you today…for the sight of your magnificence draws me into a wonderland of splendor alien to the banality of existence. The heavens long for the sun in an endless outburst of sorrow. 

Rain begins to fall…..

I am reminded by your smile, the innocence of your laughter which sometimes reminds me that I am never too old for fun; your eyes, the sorrow they hide, and the child that begs for attention….; your touch, the warmth of skin on skin, the comforting assurance that you will always be there. 

Still, rain continues to fall…..

(Photo Credit: spencercris.wordpress.com)

Obscurity clouds my eyes in an endless longing for your face, your touch, your love; and now that my longing is quenched, why am I afraid? I am thrown into an abyss of loneliness, forged by ages of grief, despair and pain

Rain continues to fall…….

Where is that smile? Where are those eyes? Where is that touch? Where’s love?

Let your radiance shine and remove the clouds of disbelief! Let your eyes look upon me with pity, that I may love you like a child! Let your touch heal my cold body and thaw my frozen spirit! Let your love be known, that I may find the answers to my questions! But no, rain falls to blind my vision and obscure reason.

The rain has finally washed all possibilities for us to be together… I will never see those eyes, feel your touch, see your smile, feel your love…..

Still, rain continues to pour……

Waiting in Vain

8:00AM

Turn on cell, request for signal, check inbox. No message? Turn off cell.

8:30am

Turn on cell, request for signal, check inbox. No message? Lets wait...... (I'm still waiting....) 45 minutes, no message still. What the hell.....(turn off cell)

12:00 noon

Turn on cell, request for signal, check inbox. No message? O, common.... Do you even know how to send text messages? Grrrr.... must be asleep.... Turn off cell.

1:00 pm

Same routine, except now lying in bed until sleep closes my eyes to rest..... Phone in one hand in vibra mode...still waiting for your text....

7:00pm

Awake and...whaaat??? Still no text? Hmmmmmm...lets say hi, shall we....type, type, type, send....message sent....now waiting....still waiting...(and after 30 mins.) Grrr...


12:45 pm

Still no text..... O well, it was fun while it lasted.... Bye, see you when I see you.... I'm checking my e-mails.... one message received.... Is that all you can say? ;-)