A Love Letter

Dear Self, 

I am sorry that you are in this moment again because of me. You wonder why you are always the one left picking up the pieces after they move on and leave? Simple, I loved too much, I cared too much, and in the process, I lost me.

I invested too much time and effort building something that I thought would now last a lifetime, only to see it crumble overnight. And in the aftermath, I am left in the middle hoping to put the pieces back together. But they don't fit anymore. Some pieces are lost, some irrecoverable.

I spent too much time thinking about other people's happiness instead of my own. I devoted much time taking care of others, hoping to build a home, that I forgot to take care of myself.

I spent many a few holidays with others, thinking it will fill the void, when in fact, I ought to have spent it closer to home - to family, to my friends, to me.

And no matter how difficult it may have seemed - emotionally, physically, financially, I mustered the courage to make sure everything was taken cared of, everyone was taken cared of, except for me. I should have cared for me instead.

And now I end, with the peace knowing that I did my best, I gave it my all, yet I am afraid that I no longer have any love to give to someone else who comes after. That is a burden which that person will bear. And I hope that despite that, whoever the person maybe, will stay.

So rest now my breaking heart. Heal. It is now time to let go. It is now time to forget.

Me

Break It To Me Gently..... (Naaah!)

Sometimes relationships fail. And when that stench of failure hits the fan it stinks. So what do you do? You lie there motionless like a rug and just let people walk over you. You spend days and nights crying over what could have been. You spend all effort and energy trying to paddle and save a sinking Titanic. Chances are, you won't. And you cry some more, until such time you start blaming yourself for the breakup. Oo, ang tanga tanga mo! There I said it for you.

But let me tell you this, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. (Well unless you're the prick who went out of his way to screw everything up, then by all means you can go to hell. Don't bother sending us a postcard). You could have just been a victim of someone who has been masterfully orchestrating this breakup because they are dipshits who found somebody new.

Have you ever heard of these lines?

1. It is not you, it's me. 
(Read: I did something wrong but I'm not gonna tell you)

2. I have to work on myself. 
(Read: I found someone new, and I'd like to make it work)

3. You deserve better. 
(Read: I deserve better)

4. I feel guilty, I think you love me more than I love you. 
(Read: I don't love you anymore)

5. We can still be friends 
(Read: If it doesn't work out, I can still come back to you)

6. We should start seeing other people.
(Read: I started seeing other people)

7. I think we are sexually incompatible
(Read: I slept with someone else)

8. I need to focus on my career/family 
(Read: I need to focus on my new relationship)

9. I think we're moving too fast 
(Read: This is not working anymore)

10. I'm not good enough for you 
(Read: This is not good enough for me)

11. We're not just a perfect fit. 
(Read: I'm tired of making it work)

12. I need space. 
(Read: I want to see other people)

13. It's for the best. 
(Read: I want what's best for me)

Chances are, if you've been told any of these lines, accepted it hook, line and sinker without an iota of a doubt and swallowed it like a motherfucking pill, you have been played. And very well, if I may add more salt to your wound. You see, some people have been playing the game for so long they become really skilled at it, and they could just break hearts without any remorse. And there you are, crying your poor poor heart out.

So now that I've broken it down into bits that you can swallow and stomach, I want you to stop crying this instant. Tumigil ka, sasampalin na kita. I want you to get up, take a shower, a long one if you must. I want you to start fixing yourself - dress up, girls you put on your makeup (make sure it's waterproof mascara). You don't have to go anywhere, I just want you to see your beautiful self again before all of this brouhaha. I want you to know that you are good enough to be loved and that you will find love again.

You're not a rock babe. Get up and move. Live your life again.

Moving On Thru Music (Read: What's Playing on Your iPod Loser?)

Sometimes we are so busy being happy that we forget to give back to society - to help the poor (read: the broken hearted), the needy (read: those who refuse to move on) and the unemployed (read: those who have moved on but are single).

Moving on is a very difficult process. It is even an understatement to describe it as difficult (trust me I've been there) and it takes a lot of time, effort and conviction to realize that you need to get yourself out of a situation that is no longer doing you any good.

Ayaw nyo pa mag move-on? Hala sige, pakalunod kayo kakaiyak as if naman babalikan pa kayo nun. Kung ready naman kayo na makalimot at magbukas ng bagong chapter sa mga buhay ninyo, then read on.

Photo Credits : BILL SELAK

In my own little way, I would like to do my share by helping those who refuse to move on from their broken hearts and their failed relationships. I am recommending the following breakup songs for them:

1. The Day You Went Away (Wendy Matthews)

Panalo ka dito. You'll feel like as if your world will fall apart. Take it from me, naka-relate ako dito. Ta-tanga-tanga ka kasi.

2. Love Me Like The First Time (Stacy Lattisaw)

Sige, mag-ilusyon ka na babalikan ka pa nya. Hello... hindi. Move on ka na lang....dami mo pang arte.

3. I Just Had To Hear Your Voice (Oletta Adams)

The first time I played this song... kala ko naman feel good song ito... hindi! Ayan, kung di ka pa kuntento sa kakaiyak, tawagan mo pa... pakatanga ka ulit!

4. Missing You (Case)

Isa pa to. Lalo na, this is one of the songs I last gave my ex para sa ipod nya. Aba malay ko ba naman magiging relevant ito. (Come to think of it, may 2 cds pala ako sa ex ko.. o well.....good luck if I could still find a copy of those)

5. Love Will Find A Way (Blessid Union of Souls)

Ito ay isang version ng Wishing And Hoping And Praying. Uhm... hello, move on na nga eh ano ba!

6) Why (Avril Lavigne)

Kung psychologist ka naman or pshychiatrist or plainly psychotic.. ito ang song for you. Hala ubusin mo ang oras mo kakaisip bakit ka nya iniwan. Hint: Di ka na nya mahal... weeeeh! Dali move on na!

7. Back Here (BBMak)

I love BBmak.. pero nunca na magustuhan ko itong kantang ito. Naman.. Back here? Hello.... ilusyunado ka? Feeling mo babalikan ka? Untog mo nga yang ulo mo!

8. I Wish I Wasn't (Heather Headley)

I recommend the dance version, the one that comes as part of Anton Ramos' Chillout Project. Bakit? Eh dahil gusto ko eh, bakit ka ba nangingialam ha? Ako ang author!

9. Teardrops (Lovestation)

Anyway hindi ako mahilig sa sobrang emote na songs so I am recommending this.

10. Bleeding Love (Leona Lewis)

Isa pa to.. again, get the dance remix version. At pwede ba, go out on a date!

There are still a lot of beautiful songs to choose from but ayoko i-recommend coz MOVING ON is what were trying to accomplish here.

Sa mga nagaatempt mag-move on at sa mga nakapag-move on na, these songs are for you:

1. I Never Loved You Anyway (The Corrs)

This is my number one. I make sure na kapag iniwan ko or iniwanan ako, hindi ko babalikan.

2. Girl Friend (Avril Lavigne)

Ayan, this song is telling you to flirt, go out on dates and find a new GF/BF. Dont worry if at the first few attempts you dont find the right person.. Hello, remember you're on the rebound, take it easy muna. Remember, we dont make mistakes, we just date them.

3. Migraine (Moonstar88)

I like this one in particular. Its you telling yourself TAMA NA. Umayos ka na kung ayaw mo masaktan or kung ayaw mong saktan kita.

4. All Good Things (Come to An End)  (Nelly Furtado)

Again... wag magpakadalubhasa in trying to figure out what went wrong. Carry lang yan.

5. The First Cut Is The Deepest (Sheryl Crow)

Now this is truly a moving on song. Its you telling your new partner that you're ready to fall in love again.

6) Not Ready To Make Nice (Dixie Chicks)

Kung bitter ka pa rin sa kakainom ng Charantia... ito ang para sayo.

7. Outta My Head (Ashlee Simpson)

This is you forcing to get your ex off your mind.. off your heart na rin. Malay mo sa kaka-listen mo nito matauhan ka.

8. Moving On Up (M People)

Panalo din ito. Listen to it. Sabi ko listen... hindi dance to it.

9. Another Suitcase In Another Hall (Madonna)

Its you telling yourself you're moving on despite not knowing how. May kokontra pa ba kay Madonna?

10. Apologize (One Republic)

You tell yourself at this point, whatever left unsaid or not discussed by you and your ex... wala na yun... apologize nya mukha nya di ba. Hayaan mo na yung tao... tandaan mo palagi, be kind to animals.

11. Can We Still Be Friends (Todd Rundgren/Mandy Moore)

Leche ka, naghahanap ka talaga ng sakit ng ulo ano? Anong friends friends ka dyan? As a general rule, if you and your ex were friends first before you became an item, then by all means, be friends. Kung hindi naman, tigilan ang ilusyon (sabagay libre mangarap) and dont bother your ex. Remember, kung mahal ka nun, di ka iniwan nun hehehehehe.

12. Slow Me Down (Emmy Rossum)

The process of moving on is also a healing process. Wag madaliin. If you want to just sleep around then do so with no strings attached. A good advice... sleep with your ex's ex! Hahahaha ....... Trust me, you'll learn a lot.

13. Goodbye My Lover (James Blunt)

Ayan tama yan.. Mag-Goodbye ka na.. nag-goodbye na nga yung tao sayo eh! Isa pa.. ang training wag kalimutan.. hindi tayo umiiyak, tayo ang iniiyakan.

A saying goes: "Time doesn't heal old wounds. It just blurs the memory and softens the pain".  I don't really know who first said that but it makes sense. You don't need to force yourself to forget outright, rather, allow yourself to heal and to learn from all of the heartaches. In time, it will make you a much stronger and a better person.

Remember, we all deserve to be loved. That love may not come now, but it will be always there waiting for us when we learn to open new doors and welcome it in.

Siguro naman by this time nakapag-isip-isip ka na. O tayo na dyan, punasan ang mga luha at itabi ang tissue box. Maligo ka at ayusin mo yang sarili mo. Take care of your self.

Now smile and be happy. You deserve it.

Impossible : Shontelle

I remember years ago
someone told me i should take
caution when it comes to love
i did, i did
and you were strong and i was not
my illusion, my mistake
i was careless, i forgot
i did
and now when all is done
there is nothing to say
you have gone and so effortlessly
you have won
you can go ahead tell them

tell them all i know now
shout it from the roof top
write it on the sky love
all we had is gone now
tell them i was happy
and my heart is broken
all my scars are open
tell them what i hoped would be
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible

falling out of love is hard
falling for betrayal is worst
broken trust and broken hearts
i know, i know
thinking all you need is there
building faith on love and words
empty promises will wear
i know (i know)
and know when all is gone
there is nothing to say
and if you're done with embarrassing me
on your own you can go ahead tell them

tell them all i know now
shout it from the roof top
write it on the sky love
all we had is gone now
tell them i was happy
and my heart is broken
all my scars are open
tell them what i hoped would be
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible

ooh impossible (yeah yeah)

i remember years ago
someone told me i should take
caution when it comes to love
i did
tell them all i know now
shout it from the roof top
write it on the sky love
all we had is gone now
tell them i was happy (i was happy)
and my heart is broken
all my scars are open
tell them what i hoped would be
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible
impossible, impossible

i remember years ago
someone told me i should take
caution when it comes to love
i did

Chapter One Begins

Yeah... yeah ... yeah... I know what you're going to say. What is this idiot doing blogging again? Well sweetie, you can take blogging away from any writer but you can never take writing away from any writer..... well sort of, you get my drift.

So anyway... tonight, my lil bro and I decided to have dinner. The poor kid has been trying real hard to squeeze into kuya's busy schedule and so finally, we found the time to catch up. The night was just starting to get weirder though....

I spent a few moments trying to pick the perfect ring for me and my Bubu . . . its long overdue anyway considering that its already our first month together. To accomplish this, I had to remove extra clothing - my vest, my jacket and my muffler.. how the hell do I know that there was a freaking sale in Ayala Center and that all sorts of creatures were in a hurry to grab all sorts of items at marked down prices??? Long story short, I looked like a bloody French gigolo wearing stripes and a pair of jeans (good thing Girbaud makes huge bags that I was able to fit all other pieces of clothing there).

So what does the perfect ring look like (No fucking gold please!)? The options were:

A) Plain and smooth ----- naaah, too pedestrian for Bubu's "Make Me A Supermodel" looks.
B) Matte with asterisk like patterns ---- Hoe much? Why don't you just wear a tag with the letters H O E to go with it
C) Smooth with undistinguishable patters ---- My precious... so Lord of The Rings-esque. Hello!
D) Combo of alternate lines and grains ---- perfect......too bad this doesnt come in platinum.But still perfect...

So Ive picked up the rings, I'll just have to give it to Bubu later... now off to meet my bro for dinner.

Like I said earlier..... the night just couldn't get weirder than this. As I was on my way to Greenbelt 1 with my usual bouncy walk..... This 6 feet Calvin Klein posterboy starts heading my way as if there was no other way but to collide with me. He had this grin on his face as if he was mocking me (but he wasn't) and just about a foot away between me and him bumping to each other, posterboy stops in front of me and gives me the lamest excuse for a closeup commercial. He had an even bigger grin on his face and he was dead on serious not to let me pass. What the fuck?

I was moments away from yelling but i decided to be polite, gave him a blank stare and tried to avoid by moving to my right (his left). Posterboy blocked my way. Jerk! I moved to my left (his right) to try to be on my way and he just blocked me again and still with that big grin on his face. This time I made my grunt louder so he knows he is annoying and that he is already pissing me off so he backed away, shook his head gave me a blank stare but as soon as my feet started to move he literally blocked me again and smiled. Asshole!

He only let me pass when he noticed that the people around us, especially those dining alfresco were already looking at us with prying eyes as if anticipating the inevitable. But posterboy moved away and I hurried to the nearest Starbucks for coffee (my 8th for the day). In a whisper, he said... "Suplado". (Mental note: I am not suplado, I am an asshole)

Just when I thought that I could have my coffee in peace, posterboy sits in front of me, smies, says hi and introduces himself. Before I could even utter the 'Are you fucking kidding me" phrase, he asks me to dinner. There I lost it, stood up and kicked one of the chairs to his direction (I'm sure it hit his left leg hard) and before the guard came to inquire what that was about, I have already gathered my stuff and left for Italianni's for dinner.

Mental Note: I am now appealing to both genders hahahaha!

More pizza and pasta the following day as I had lunch with my brother before we decided to watch SATC (Sex And The City). I was kinda hesitant about the movie though because I have this vibe that this might be a recap of all the episodes.. I hope not.

Movie started ok..... you have your usual typical plot until it started to become depressing when it got to the scene where Carrie was supposed to be married to Big and that the poor fellow had to ditch the bride. Dear lord, this is a summary of my life!

 Big is ditching Carrie because of some twisted comment made by Miranda.I had to sympathize with Miranda though, she was having a difficult night talking to Steve and dealing with his infidelity, but I don�t think that was the turning point as to why Big got cold feet. Anyway, the point is.. I am watching my life on the big screen (minus that wedding hullabaloo anyway) . I got scared.. I freaked out .. Images of my recent breakup started flooding my mind. Here we fucking go again.


Consider the following:


A) Like Carrie, I have three friends who helped me through the breakup � Jeff, Lola Bombshell and Ate Liezel.

 B) When I came to a point that I finally decided I had to move on, I also sat on one part of the beach reading my ex�s text messages from the breakup (I didn't throw my phone though.. hello.. drama much?) and there I decided that I had to get rid of my ring for good ( I mean like in a place where I wont be able to find it anymore � and yes I still cant find it hahahaha)

 C) Miranda was describing her sex life and... oh never mind.

 D) Big just took off, no explanation whatsoever. At least he had the courtesy of making it up to Carrie.. she's still lucky.

 E) Other stuff, but I don't wanna take the suspense from those who haven't seen the movie yet.

 As the movie progressed, there were a lot of similarities I have taken note of that pretty much described my past relationship. I really felt uncomfortable at first because it was like dealing with it from a 3rd person's perspective for the first time. Until I realized, my story ended like that of Samantha's. It just didn't work. It was time to let go.

If its any consolation, I have proven the following to be true:

 A) In order to move on, you have to forgive yourself first before you can actually forgive your ex and all her/his transgressions. If you have done so.. it wont matter whether there are still things left unsaid, possessions left unreturned (my CDs, my precious CDs hahaha), it just wont matter.

 B) When one is in love, one changes himself/herself to fit into the role that his/her partner wants him/her to be. In my case, I changed for my ex, I changed a lot of myself that I lost who I was, and I gave up a lot of things just to prove that I am willing to fight for the relationship. Sadly, my ex didn't see it that way.. my ex wasn't ready to give up certain things and fight for me, instead giving up was just the only solution available. I can assure you all though, you will never find anyone like me who is willing to give up everything just to save the relationship. Ako nagawa ko kahit mahirap... ewan ko sa inyo....hahahaha

 C) You can be friends with your ex. How willing are you or your ex to invest in that friendship is a different issue. Nonetheless, being polite is customary.

D) Everybody is entitled to a happy ending. It might not be the happy ending we all dream of, but nevertheless it is a happy ending.

 Now that I have another ring on my finger, I am excited at the same time scared (yeah.... I dont know how I have summoned the strength to travel at 11 in the evening just to give my Bubu the ring). Whatever this chapter is, however it progresses, and how it ends. I don't know. All I know is, Everybody deserves to love and be loved.

Nostalgia is a Piece of Crap

My mobile was ringing off the hook today receiving calls from my bosses and text messages but there was one particular annoying instance that my phone had to vibrate endlessly and give out a high pitched alarm to remind me of something. Now what could be that life changing event that I had to remind myself of? I picked up my phone just to check what it is and to my dismay, the screen flashes ..."ANNIVERSARY"..... Oh yeah I forgot to update my calendar.Actually the supposed "anniversary" is tomorrow but at that time I entered the reminder into my calendar, I thought I'd plan ahead. Wrooonnngggg!

Now, I'm finding several things Ive never thought I have kept like the floral patterned paper which wrapped the flowers I got from last year, Libby the Lobster (who I thought was already suffocating from being inside my drawer for more than a month now) and other stuff. But what do these things mean anyway? Nothing really.... just memories of a makeshift past. Do I wanna go to Starbucks West Avenue tomorrow and hang-out for a while to close this cycle? I dunno. Sounds like a chore.

After tomorrow, May 08 will lose its significance. It will just be one of the numbers you mark on a calendar to signify that the day has passed. No more cake, no more flowers, no more Happy Anniversary card, no more Starbucks West Avenue.

Its time to stop caring, after all, it was just all pretend and bullshit.

Yeng Constantino: Cool Off

I do not know who Yeng Constantino is, I am not familiar with her music either. But today, I became a fan. She has a way of conveying emotion into her songs that make her so convincing. Anyway, I came across this song, I’m sharing this with you. Its called Cool Off.

COOL OFF
Yeng Constantino


Wala akong iba
Di tulad ng iyong hinala

Sarili ay di maintindihan
Hindi ko malaman,Ano ba ang dahilan
Nang pansamantalang paghingi ko ng kalayaan
Minamahal kita,Pero kaylangan ko lang mag-isa

(Chorus)
Wag mong isipin na hindi kana mahal
Sarili ko`y hahanapin ko lang
At ang panahon at ang oras ng aking pagkawala
Ay para rin sa ating dalawa

Wag ka sanang lumuha
Sana`y intindihin
Ito ang dapat nating gawin
Upang magkakilala pa
At malaman kung tayo
Ay para sa isa`t isa

Wag mong pigilin ang damdamin
Sa aking pagkawala,Makahanap ka bigla ng iba

Ngunit pakakatandaan
Na mahal pa rin kita,Pero kaylangan ko lang mag-isa

(Chorus)
Wag mong isipin na hindi kana mahal
Sarili ko`y hahanapin ko lang
At ang panahon at ang oras ng aking pagkawala
Ay para rin sa ating dalawa
ahh yeah……..

Sarili ay di maintindihan
Hindi ko malaman,Ano ba ang dahilan
Nang pansamantalang paghingi ko ng kalayaan
Minamahal kita, Pero kilangan ko lang mag-isa

(Chorus)
Wag mong isipin na hindi kana mahal
Sarili ko`y hahanapin ko lang
At ang panahon at ang oras ng aking pagkawala
Ay para rin sa ating…

(Chorus)
Wag mong isipin na hindi kana mahal
Sarili ko`y hahanapin ko lang
At ang panahon at ang oras ng aking pagkawala
Ay para rin sa ating dalawa..
ahh yeah ahh wooooooooooooo..

Ok, I dunno about the last part but this song rocks.

I Just Had to Hear Your Voice: Oletta Adams

I know you thought it best
That we spend a little time apart
But one night with out you
Was too much for my heart
I know I promised not to call
Sorry but I didn't have a choice
I just had to hear your voice

I had to know that you're okay
I couldn't get to sleep this way

Please don't be mad at me
'Cause I really did the best I could
Not to dial your number but it didn't do much good
Hung up the phone so many times
'Til I didn't have a choice
I just had to hear your voice

I had to know that you're okay
I couldn't get to sleep this way
And I had to hear you say hello
Had to hear you, because I love you so

I know you thought it best
That we spend a little time apart
But I had to hear your voice
Though I know it wasn't right
I just had to hear your voice
Goodnight

Confessions

Kumusta ka na Harbor Square? Dito na na naman ako.

Oo nga pala, naalala mo si.....? Oo, sya nga yung nakilala mo ilang summers ago. Sya yung kasa-kasama ko dito manood ng sunsets mo, yung last na nakasama ko nung January, yung time na nabasa kami ng ulan? We are not together anymore. Iniwan na nya ako. Mga one week na rin.

...There's always this one person, that no matter what he/she does to hurt you, you can't stop loving 'em......

Alam mo, wag mo akong tanungin what happened. Malabo pa rin sa akin ang lahat pero pilit kong iniintindi. Bakit akala mo ganito lang kadali to? Hindi ah, 2 years kong kasa-kasama araw-araw yun!

..Maybe part of loving is letting go, because I'm still holding on to someone who is never going to come back......

Alam mo, balang araw, when i finally understand bakit sya umalis, sasabihin ko rin sayo. Promise. Basta ang sabi lang nya, mahal daw nya ako but its time for me to let go. Oo, hindi ganun kadali, pero, mahal ko yung tao eh. Wala namang sinabi yun na hindi ko sinunod. Except.....

...between our loud laughs, our long fights, and our moments of silence, I fell more in love with you ......

Except...eto lang nung March 10, nawalan ako ng control at nasaktan ko siya nang husto. Napakaliit na bagay lang yun kung tutuusin, at oo foul yung ginawa, alam ko... nangyari na... Iniwan ko sya sa sobrang sama ng loob ko, sa sobrang sakit ng dibdib ko... pero mali yun. I forgot to consider if nung araw na yun, masama rin yung araw nya or malungkot din sya... Nagalit sya, nasaktan ko sya. pero habang papalayo ako nun, nadudurog din puso ko. Nakita ko syang malungkot....I was very sorry... very very very very sorry. Siguro kung pwede kong ulit-ulitin yung pagsorry ko, gagawin ko ulit, pero wala na....... That was where it started.

... why don't you love me back ......

Bakit ayaw na nya sa akin? Because I failed the one person who loved me. Maliit na bagay lang yun para sa iba, pero big deal yun for me. Hindi ko sya dapat iniwan nun. Kahit na ba, dati nagawa din nya akong iwan, nagawa din nya mag-walk-out sa akin... wala na sa akin yun... Hindi ko pa rin dapat ginawang iwan sya. Kaya nga nung Wednesday after that incident, I was preparing myself na iwan na nya ako, pero alam mo... tinanggap pa rin nya sorry ko. Sabi nya, gusto pa rin nya to be with me..., I asked again if sure sya, oo daw.. I had to be sure, sabi ko, I am impatient, may pagka-OC and I'm a lot of things you dont like, do you want to stay with me? Sabi nya oo... That was enough for me because I was more than willing to stay and make up for what I did. Hinding hindi ko na yun uulitin.... maski na for whatever reason pa.

... why do i care ......

Bakit ganun ko sya kamahal? Gusto mo talaga malaman? Nagbago kasi lahat nung hinawakan nya kamay ko in front of friends for the first time suot-suot yung ring na bigay ko, and ang sabi nya " we are going to be together forever". It was more than enough for me. Sya lang pinakilala ko sa bestfriend ko.

Matagal na tayo magkakilala Harbor Square, pero sabi ko naman sayo dati, ang taong ipapakilala ko lang sayo, ay yung asawa ko, the one I am meant to be with for the rest of my life. For me, sya na yun. Ayoko ng iba... sya lang. Kahit till now, it hasnt changed. Sya pa rin at sya lang.

Sya lang yung tao na makakapigil ng galit ko, ng sama ng loob ko kasi pag tumingin sya sa akin, its always like as if nakita nya ako for the first time.Sa kanya ko lang nakita yun.Yeah yeah yeah, Ive dated several good looking people, pero wala eh....wala sila nung ganung look...

Sya lang din yung tao na naisama o sa lahat ng plans ko... how many kids shall we have, what will be their names, (Gusto nya Namibia yung name nung girl namin .. hehehe), even yung masters bedroom, yung sala ng house, alam na namin kung papaano gagawin.

Sya lang yung tao nakayang tumabi sa akin for several hours doing nothing, nakasandal lang sa akin, nakahawak sa hands ko, naka-hug or whatever.

Sya yung reason second to God of course, why nagsimba ulit ako.

Sya yung immediate answer ko when people ask me what I'm thinking about.

Teka muna, hanggang 8:30 lang ako dito eh...alam mo, mauubos ang oras ko dito sayo if I were to tell you the many reasons bakit mahal na mahal ko ang asawa ko. Alam mo na yun eh... every Sunday after church, sinasabi ko sayo di ba?

... I keep telling myself I cant force you to love me back, but I cant force myself to stop loving you either ......

So ngayon alam mo na why I have been crying for one week? Last Sunday lang you saw me jogging here crying. The entire week, I spent my days at work crying...Officemates lang siguro ang nakakaalam how bad my heart is broken.

I mean common Harbor Square, we're OK na eh. we made plans for the holy week. Wala naman kaso yun if kasama nya family nya at na-cancel yung mga plans namin. Kaya ko naman mag-isa eh. Besides napakabait ng mga friends nya (lalo na si Louie) to offer to keep me company. (Though I declined, sorry Louie). Pero iba pala dating sa kanya nun.

Last saturday morning till about early evening we were ok. I was trying to address why sad sya and it turned out bigla ko na lang nalaman, I am the reason why sad sya. There were a lot of issues na binato nya sa akin that I tried to explain but ayaw nya ako pakinggan until finally, sabi nya, gusto nya mag-isa. Akala ko naman.. time-out lang....until this Wednesday I confirmed, ayaw na nya sa akin for a lot of reasons I still dont understand.

... I wll never be good enough for you, at least I tried ......

Nagmakaawa ako for the first time in my life. Lahat ng klaseng pagmamakaawa ginawa ko wag lang sya umalis, wag lang nya ako iwan.But it didnt work. It was fixed that I should be alone so I can do what I want daw, so I can be a better person, na kailangan daw muna nya ayusin a lot of things and magagawa lang nya yun if alone sya, a lot of things Harbor Square....The worst part was, asking me to let go. Gumuho ang mundo ko....hindi ko kayang i-reconcile yung sinabi nyang nag-stay sya for the wrong reasons and its just now that realization dawned that its unfair daw to me... whaaat? Ano ba kailangan ko gawin? ayaw nya akong kausapin in person, ayaw nya ako tawagan basta na lang nagtext sya to let go...Alam mo ba kung gaano kasakit yun Harbor Square? The one person whom you least expect to do this to you cant even talk to you personally? Its like giving me a passport not to save the relationship! But I tried... and I failed.

... You will never know how much I love you, and how bad you broke my heart ......

Bakit masama ang loob ko? Bakit ako bitter? Bakit ako devastated? Because I gave it my all. Sabi ko naman sa kanya and alam nya what I had to give up to be in this relationship. Not that I am taking into account alot of things.. ang sa akin lang...I fought for this relationship for two years and just for these reasons, iniwan nya ako? Leaving me isnt gonna change anything.. it will just make it worse.I have managed to survice this long because andyan sya. I am a better person and I always strive to be a better person because andyan sya.Pero ano naman gagawin ko kung ayaw na nya sa akin?

... Let's just be friends, turn around and say OK, but this broken heart gets worse everyday ......

Not a day has passed na hindi ko sya na-miss. I look everywhere I see images nung mukha nya, the things that we did here, and there... Arrrrggghhh! This is crazy. I cant even bear to just sit here and think about missing everything. Sure, I said, I wil let you go, pero hindi naman ako katanga to think that it will be that easy. I try to tell myself its gonna e ok, so bakit andito na naman ako Harbor Square kung ok ako?

... Never break the heart that loves you ......

You think i'm silly don't you. Look Harbor Square, I'm still wearing my ring.. it wont come off. I guess, what I'm trying to say is.... this all that's left of what we had. I'm trying to retrace our steps everyday, and I'm slowly trying to get used to go to the places where we have been... alone.. Time doesnt heal old wounds, it merely blurs the memory and softens the pain. But I guess in my case, I gave my heart away, I wasnt able to get it back. I dont regret breaking the hearts of other people who wanted me to be with them, because I had to save my relationship, I had to be in love with and only with the same person.. sya at sya lang. In the end.. the same person broke my heart, and yet mahal na mahal ko pa rin sya even with the small fragments of my broken heart.

... If you can't get someone out of your head, maybe they are meant to be there......

Naiisip ko pa rin sya every day. From simple thoughts like...Nasa school na kaya sya? Nagbreakfast nakaya sya? Sino na naman kayang gago yung sumira sa araw nya? Na-stress kaya sya ngayon with the kids? Nakatulog na naman kaya sya kaya lumagpas ng SM? Naiwan na naman kaya nya towel nya? Nawala na naman kaya wallet nya? Maling pair of shoes na naman kaya dala nya? Tapos nakaya sya mag-gym? Ano kaya gusto nya kainin mamaya? Nakauwi na kaya sya?

It gets worse...Umiiyak kaya sya katulad ko? Mahal kaya talaga nya ako? Bakit nya ako iniwan kung mahal nya ako? Babalik pa kaya sya? Paano na ako kung di na sya bumalik? Maalala kaya nya 2nd year anniversary namin? Nasaan kaya sya ngayon? Wala kaya syang ibang kasama? May mahal na kaya syang iba?

... I fell for you, you didnt for me......

Then I thought about one thing... Kung mahal mo naman talaga ako hindi mo ako iniwan. Kung mahal mo ako kaya mo tiisin kahit mahirap knowing that hindi naman kita pababayaan. Kung mahal mo ako, hindi ka na lang basta biglang sumuko and you left, sabi ko naman sayo, asawa kita, magtulungan tayo. Kung mahal mo ako, you would have the courtesy of showing your face at sabihin mo sa kin ng derecho na hindi mo na ako mahal or merong iba or merong ibang reason pa kung bakit wala na tayo.Kung mahal mo ako, you could have broken up with me properly and not thru text messaging. Kung mahal mo ako.... kung mahal mo lang naman talaga ako.... bakit mo ginawa sa akin to?

... I quit pretending that you love me.....

Harbor Square, I need to take care of myself now. It is tough being alone. But being alone is better than pretending.

Mahal pa kaya nya ako, di ko alam. Babalik pa kaya sya, di ko alam. Meron na kaya syang ibang mahal, di ko alam. Maaalala kaya nya 2nd year anniversary namin, di ko alam. Basta ang alam ko.... ako itong iniwan. Ako itong mag-isa, at ako itong nagmakaawa na mahalin nya.

At dito ako ngayon sa harap mo...

So pwede na ba akong umupo dyan sa isang tabi at umiyak? Promise, last na to.

Broken

The lights along West Avenue seemed darker tonight - the same lights which used to guide me to you. They have never failed me. The path towards SM seemed a bit narrower, a bit longer, a bit rough - the same path I take everyday for nearly two years to be with you. Even the breeze that comforts the same journey to you burns my skin.. dries my tears. This must be purgatory.

Over the makeshift pedestrian bridge are faces full of joy. But I could not recognize their smiles. Even the cheerful vendors who never seem to tire appear to have lost their strength. The bridge is shaky as if it were going to collapse and bury us all in chunks of debris. Hell approaches near.

By the time I took the first step down, I could not move. My legs have failed me for the first time as if they were clad with balls of iron, immobilizing each and every tendon. I dragged both feet down the stairs and froze. More people with blank faces greet me. The usual short walk to the gates of hell seemed farther and farther and farther. Until finally... Hell.

Two demons greeted me at the entrance. While they were being friendly, they poked their tridents into every fabric of my soul. They kept on poking and probing till they were satisfied and they let me thru. But that was just the entrance.

Every single step I took burned my toes.., my feet, even my flesh. This was not what it used to be. The billboards on the walls are all gone. The white vinyl of the same walls are now covered with black tar, lava now flows where the escalators used to be and fire engulfs the narrow halls. I was alone.

I am alone......


The lights of West Avenue used to flicker to the beat of my heart. The road meets my feet and the wind pushes my back as if telling me to hurry. The breeze caresses my face and whispers to me " tart is waiting"...

Joyful people with big grins on their faces greet me as I hurry up the makeshift steps. The pedestrian bridge, no matter how shaky, provided the safety of a mother caring for her children, as I and everybody else hurry down to the steps.

The steps seemed to be oiled, making every stride quick and effortless as I glide thru incoming groups of friendly faces... SM finally...

The guards are friendlier than usual, billboards and posters everywhere, and the white vinyl wall that soothes every tired shopper. The escalators seemed to be guiding me down, the floors again eager to meet my feet as i glide thru that path to you. My comfort for the past years...

We were always together...

You have never ceased looking at me like you have seen me for the first time in those two years. You have always embraced me no matter how worn out you were and you never ceased to look at me with amazement like as if I was the only thing that mattered, I was the only person you see despite the crowd around us.

As I tried to look at you and touch you.., your skin hardens..., you turn paler and paler and then gray... and as I try to hold your hand and pull you towards me... you turn to dust.... The wind blows your debris in all directions..... and I realize... I am back into the same fiery pit...

I was alone..... I'll always be alone....

Rain

I thought of seeing you today…for the sight of your magnificence draws me into a wonderland of splendor alien to the banality of existence. The heavens long for the sun in an endless outburst of sorrow. 

Rain begins to fall…..

I am reminded by your smile, the innocence of your laughter which sometimes reminds me that I am never too old for fun; your eyes, the sorrow they hide, and the child that begs for attention….; your touch, the warmth of skin on skin, the comforting assurance that you will always be there. 

Still, rain continues to fall…..

(Photo Credit: spencercris.wordpress.com)

Obscurity clouds my eyes in an endless longing for your face, your touch, your love; and now that my longing is quenched, why am I afraid? I am thrown into an abyss of loneliness, forged by ages of grief, despair and pain

Rain continues to fall…….

Where is that smile? Where are those eyes? Where is that touch? Where’s love?

Let your radiance shine and remove the clouds of disbelief! Let your eyes look upon me with pity, that I may love you like a child! Let your touch heal my cold body and thaw my frozen spirit! Let your love be known, that I may find the answers to my questions! But no, rain falls to blind my vision and obscure reason.

The rain has finally washed all possibilities for us to be together… I will never see those eyes, feel your touch, see your smile, feel your love…..

Still, rain continues to pour……