Long Summer Nights - Oliver Nelson & Lilla Vargen

So don't say you want me, I know you don't..... I know you don't....

Love.... and the bullshit that is Love

 

When I first saw your face, the entire universe opened up and I was engulfed in overwhelming joy.  

I am finally home.

A Love Letter

Dear Self, 

I am sorry that you are in this moment again because of me. You wonder why you are always the one left picking up the pieces after they move on and leave? Simple, I loved too much, I cared too much, and in the process, I lost me.

I invested too much time and effort building something that I thought would now last a lifetime, only to see it crumble overnight. And in the aftermath, I am left in the middle hoping to put the pieces back together. But they don't fit anymore. Some pieces are lost, some irrecoverable.

I spent too much time thinking about other people's happiness instead of my own. I devoted much time taking care of others, hoping to build a home, that I forgot to take care of myself.

I spent many a few holidays with others, thinking it will fill the void, when in fact, I ought to have spent it closer to home - to family, to my friends, to me.

And no matter how difficult it may have seemed - emotionally, physically, financially, I mustered the courage to make sure everything was taken cared of, everyone was taken cared of, except for me. I should have cared for me instead.

And now I end, with the peace knowing that I did my best, I gave it my all, yet I am afraid that I no longer have any love to give to someone else who comes after. That is a burden which that person will bear. And I hope that despite that, whoever the person maybe, will stay.

So rest now my breaking heart. Heal. It is now time to let go. It is now time to forget.

Me

The Sound of Silence

Hello Blogger my old friend

I've come to write to you again

Because a feeling slowly sweeping

Left it's seed while I was busy dreaming

And that feeling, devastated me in my wake

And still remains.... as a mere sound of silence.....

The A Team

My new role allows me to manage a small team and I'm very excited because I have an exceptional team. As a mentor, I am not the type who would shove down my ideas, values, beliefs and even my working style on anybody's throat. I am a firm believer of the uniqueness of every person and that everyone has their own working style. I would normally just assign tasks and ask for feedback just to check on everybody's progress. If I don't get feedback, that would be the time when I get too anxious and I keep pushing until something gets accomplished. Luckily, my team catches on very quickly.

Z is very quiet. But don't underestimate her, for she is very flexible and very reliable. I really don't need to tell her what to do because she always thinks two steps ahead and before I say I word, she has already started working on something which I am just about to ask her to do. She's very good with training and recruitment too.

P is quite shy. Maybe because she is still at that stage of finding her own voice but I know that she'll get there. But don't get fooled, even with very little mentoring, she manages to catch on with her colleagues and has closed accounts as expected. I have high hopes for her and I know that when she finds her voice, she'll be unstoppable.

H is very forward, which is what I like about her. She is not afraid to speak her mind, and she asks a lot of questions. I encourage her to ask questions because I can see how dedicated she is and she loves what she does. She takes charge when she feels that a project needs more hands, and she is always driven.

W is the baby of the group, and while he is very new, he is no amateur. He basically embodies the same working style that I had when I was his age. He never runs out of feedback for any task I assign, and while he usually needs a moment to process tasks, he is lethal when he delivers, and he delivers with precision.

Since I know that you guys are reading this, let me thank you for being you. Never stop being you. I appreciate the fact that you all suffer with me when we all get burned sometimes, even for the decisions that we didn't make, but I also am grateful for rallying behind me for the decisions that five of us all make. 

See you Monday guys!

Alone Again (and Hungry) Naturally.....

I did not eat today. Not because it is a personal choice, or because I am on a diet, but literally have no food and no money. I am not ashamed to say that I have been having financial difficulties since April, because that’s fact. I am not surprised either that I have it till August with my sanity still intact, and still able to smile because God has been kind. I wish HE could be a little bit kinder and make all of these go away, but this is what it is and it is a mess I am trying to figure out.

Most of my friends, well so called friends don’t talk to me anymore. Why would they? It’s not like I want to make plans and hang out when all I can think right now is I hope I have something to eat tomorrow. I used to be in denial about this, but, when you’ve suffered long enough, you’ve learned to grow thicker skin and a stronger backbone to not mind what other people say. All you need to focus is to survive and make it thru another day.

Most people close to me think that I am okay. Most of them don’t take my situation seriously when in fact, I have been repeatedly asking for help for months now. And why would they? I always joke about my real problems everytime a door closes on me when I ask for help. It is ever easy when the only person who can help you is yourself.

Two Saturdays ago, I went to a friend’s house to ask for help and she was kind enough to help me get thru my issues that day. But as always, it’s just a band-aid solution to a wound that keeps growing deeper and is bleeding me dry. I remember I was so hungry that night, I also didn’t have anything to eat, but lo and behold, I had cake, lechon, shrimp, rice, and palabok that night. The lady she calls mom (not her real mother) was kind enough to accommodate me in their home at 10 in the evening and welcomed me, someone she didn’t know. Not only that, she gave me enough food to bring home so I was able to eat for the next few days until I could get my salary and repay her back. I will never forget their kindness.

It’s always that for me – borrow, pay, repay, repeat. A never ending cycle which I don’t know when I will be able to resolve. A miracle perhaps will help me find my footing again and start anew, but until then, it will always be endless nights of worry. There are times  that I just wanted to wake up if this was a dream, or just die, so I could at least find some peace. But I don’t want to cause any more heartache to my mother and my sister who have been nothing but very supportive of me all throughout this journey.

I wish I could blame these on certain circumstances which started June last year which led me to this, but enough of pointing fingers. It’s not the solution that I seek, especially when I have to keep on begging for what is rightfully mine.

I am not writing this for you to pity me. I just want you to know that whenever you see me, smiling, it’s all a lie. I am not okay. I wish you could see the pain I have been trying to hide for months now behind every smile. And maybe, just maybe, when one day I decide to throw in the towel and give up, you’ll realize that I have been fighting this battle for so long, that I am almost about to give up.

Mystery of Love - Sufjan Stevens

Sufjan Stevens.... how do I even begin to describe thee. You break my heart with each and every melody, and you bring me back to a place that is so vulnerable it just makes me want to curl up and feel weak and defenseless.

But I love your music. I love how you make me believe in love, that I am capable of love, and that I am worthy of love.

Goodbye Old Friend

Blackberries have always been unconventional in a world now dominated by Apple and Samsung. But I do love anything out of the ordinary. Blackberries have always made me feel like I'm in touch with something old and sacred, the art of communicating perhaps? The physical keypad always feels like a friend I've known for so long.

However, with the sudden announcement of Blackberry finally shutting down it's BBM Service, I had to make a painful choice. I've always loved BBM and Blackberry, but if this love isn't reciprocated, who am I to stay in a relationship where there is nothing mutual anymore?

Goodblye Blackberry. We had good times!

Copyright : R.F. Baria Instagram : @Tsoinami

Data Privacy is Data Security

Over the week, I had my share of a version of a horror story where it ends that my personal information were used for some illegal purpose (apparently). To add insult to injury, contacts in my phone were hacked and were getting sms round the clock from a certain entity so I had to take action.

After a few hours browsing on data privacy, It is very clear to me that nobody has the right to use your personal information in any manner other than what it was intended for. You have to be very vigilant about where you enter or give your information (websites, online forms, telemarketers, credit card agents) or you could end up in real trouble.

It is a relief that the government now has the National Privacy Commission, an entity whose sole mission is to protect and safeguard our personal information from misuse and abuse. 

If you feel like your personal information has been compromised, misused or abused in any manner, you may get in touch with them thru:

NATIONAL PRIVACY COMMISSION 

Address: 5th Floor Delegation Building, PICC Complex, Roxas Boulevard

Website : www.privacy.gov.ph

Trunkline No : 234-22-28
Local Numbers
For Complaints 114
For other inquiries 117

SOCIAL MEDIA
facebook.com/privacy.gov.ph
twitter.com/PrivacyPH

Just a Very Old Bike

Saw this old bicycle along the highway of San pablo City. I couldn't resist but to stop and take a photo of it. There has to be beauty in it somewhere.

I was right.

Copyright : R.F. Baria Instagram : @Tsoinami

Over and Under the Bridge

I have always love walking from home to Glorietta. It usually takes about 30 minutes on foot. I would never pass up seeing beauty in every way I can such as this.

Copyright : R.F. Baria Instagram : @Tsoinami

Everywhere by LnM Projekt Featuring Bonnie Bailey

Life they say, is a beach. If it were one, it would be a giant Bonnie Bailey party. You just don't care about the worries of the world and you just dance your problems away. But in reality, life is no beach, merely, one beautiful summer that you get to enjoy until it eventually fades into memory.

Recap

It has been a while since I stopped writing. Death in the family can really cripple you into neglecting even the things you love to do. But that’s all water under the bridge. I’ll probably write about it some time, but not today. I feel like, after a very long break, I’m starting over again, and when I turned 40 last May, I am a totally different person.

I stopped caring.

Yes, as cruel as it sounds, I stopped giving a fuck about trivial things like how some men can wear underwear underneath boxer shorts underneath a pair of jeans (who does that anyway?) I used to be bothered by noise (I still am) but now, I somehow have learned to channel it by creating noise of a much greater scale to get even. I started unfollowing people on Twitter (those who make no absolute sense anyway) and I could care less if they unfollowed me too. Facebook also seemed meh, as I opted to keep in touch with just a very few friends, those who matter anyway. I am now on the verge of deleting Facebook Messenger, maybe after converting family and friends to Line or Skype (no viber please). I’ll probably even get a Blackberry just to shy away from the iPhone wielding crowd.

I started learning French.

Well, I’m not really sure how this will end but…. I think it is good to know a fifth language you know, just in case. No offense meant, but I really find it annoying when some people start talking in English with their preposterous accents (read: those in customer service) in an environment where majority of people present at least 30% above the poverty line. My parents always taught me that it is rude to speak in a different language when there is a chance for you to interact with others. But that’s really the opposite of why I speak four languages (French being the fifth) as I do not want people to understand my everyday thoughts with the exception of sharing these. It’s like some members of  the Filipino Chinese community talking to each other in Fookien when they can merely address each other in Filipino. I find it rude, but, whatever makes them sleep better at night I guess.

I started eating black rice.

When I went home in Negros last December, I remember wondering why the family is eating ube for lunch. Silly me, it was black rice. Trust me, it is good for your digestion, makes you feel full longer, and makes you eat less. A caveat though, it is an acquired taste. At first, it might gross you out why you’re having this violet thing (incidentally it turns dark violet when cooked) with your food. You’ll get used to it. You’ll live.

I started binge watching Revenge.

Yeah yeah yeah show’s over but give me a break, I haven’t watched it since I forgot how twisted Emily Thorne could be yet she can show vulnerability as well.

I started to have an epiphany that the same shit is about to hit the fan.

It’s the little things that add up. It’s the same thing you have witnessed and experienced before and are too blind to acknowledge it. I wish I could say more. What I do know is, I am not putting up with this again.

My three month hiatus wasn’t really a waste after all.

Damned - Shimoli

 It's one of those days when you're so pissed off that the only thing describing your emotion is a song....

Shush... It's Not the End of the World

How many times have you opened up yourself to the possibility of a relationship by putting yourself out there and hoping that you meet Mr. Right instead of Mr. Right Now? Countless I presume, in more unconventional and creative ways, if I may add. You put in so much effort by putting your best foot forward with the hope that you will hit it off and live your happily ever after.

But that is not always the case.

Sometimes, your effort pays off and you begin your journey towards rose colored glasses, bed of roses and what have you. Well, good for you. But oftentimes, it does not end there, and you are left in that crossroad of your life wondering what the hell happened. (You actually have a clue but you are too proud to admit to yourself that it didn’t work and you’re still hoping for lightning to strike the same place twice so that you can reignite that fire and live your days in Lala Land.)

When things don’t work out, you go on the offense and charge without thinking. You don’t care whatever it takes to get that person to like you again, and you allow yourself to bask in a rain of a shitload of crazy just to get him back. Oftentimes, you fail to ask yourself the basic question of “WHY DIDN’T IT WORK?”

Well I’ll tell you why :

   1. He is married.

You keep on hoping that by some strange divine intervention, the wife dies and he comes running back to you. Boom, happy ending. But she’s not dying anytime soon, is she?

2. He is in a relationship.

Motherfu....! You found out that despite all the time he spends with you, he still has somebody else to come home to, and you constantly tell him that you won’t be demanding for any more of his time as long as he doesn’t leave you. Hello, wake up! The mere fact that he still doesn’t break it off means that he has no intention of being exclusively with you. You are just a side dish. A garnish. A hobby. Shall I go on?

  3. He has commitment issues.

Walang kayo! He doesn’t want to put down his gloves yet because he still has game and he wants to play. And right now, he’s playing horse chasing a carrot. You are the horse.

  4. He’s just not into you.

Let’s play charades. Four words, Filipino. “HINDI KA NYA GUSTO”. Oo bes, sorry pero hindi talaga. He might be using you for sex, or your money but other than that, nada. Zero, zilch, sayonara.

And there you are in your delusional world still hoping that he is coming back. I can tell that you are still convincing yourself to chase after him and make it work. Please don’t. Stop crying, stand up, dust yourself off and put yourself out there again. I know you are tired, I know you might be feeling a little discouraged but, no pain no gain right?

Please know that you deserve to be loved. It might not be the person you want (common, we can’t always get what we want, stop rolling in the dirt like a spoiled brat), but if you open yourself to a world of possibilities, you might surprise yourself one day when you get to hum tunes, recite verses, make mix tapes (does anybody still do that?), smile and fall in love all over again. 

It’s not the end of the world babe. It’s just merely the end of a lousy chapter.

Far From Home - Gamper & Dadoni

Home is that beacon of hope and love that you look for, no matter where you are in the world. 

Home is that little piece of heaven inside of you that lulls you back into sanity in a world of chaos and discord. 

Home is that crossroad where your hopes and dreams collide with your worst fears, yet you feel safe knowing that you will always be loved. 

Home is where the heart is. 

Home is with you.

Break It To Me Gently..... (Naaah!)

Sometimes relationships fail. And when that stench of failure hits the fan it stinks. So what do you do? You lie there motionless like a rug and just let people walk over you. You spend days and nights crying over what could have been. You spend all effort and energy trying to paddle and save a sinking Titanic. Chances are, you won't. And you cry some more, until such time you start blaming yourself for the breakup. Oo, ang tanga tanga mo! There I said it for you.

But let me tell you this, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. (Well unless you're the prick who went out of his way to screw everything up, then by all means you can go to hell. Don't bother sending us a postcard). You could have just been a victim of someone who has been masterfully orchestrating this breakup because they are dipshits who found somebody new.

Have you ever heard of these lines?

1. It is not you, it's me. 
(Read: I did something wrong but I'm not gonna tell you)

2. I have to work on myself. 
(Read: I found someone new, and I'd like to make it work)

3. You deserve better. 
(Read: I deserve better)

4. I feel guilty, I think you love me more than I love you. 
(Read: I don't love you anymore)

5. We can still be friends 
(Read: If it doesn't work out, I can still come back to you)

6. We should start seeing other people.
(Read: I started seeing other people)

7. I think we are sexually incompatible
(Read: I slept with someone else)

8. I need to focus on my career/family 
(Read: I need to focus on my new relationship)

9. I think we're moving too fast 
(Read: This is not working anymore)

10. I'm not good enough for you 
(Read: This is not good enough for me)

11. We're not just a perfect fit. 
(Read: I'm tired of making it work)

12. I need space. 
(Read: I want to see other people)

13. It's for the best. 
(Read: I want what's best for me)

Chances are, if you've been told any of these lines, accepted it hook, line and sinker without an iota of a doubt and swallowed it like a motherfucking pill, you have been played. And very well, if I may add more salt to your wound. You see, some people have been playing the game for so long they become really skilled at it, and they could just break hearts without any remorse. And there you are, crying your poor poor heart out.

So now that I've broken it down into bits that you can swallow and stomach, I want you to stop crying this instant. Tumigil ka, sasampalin na kita. I want you to get up, take a shower, a long one if you must. I want you to start fixing yourself - dress up, girls you put on your makeup (make sure it's waterproof mascara). You don't have to go anywhere, I just want you to see your beautiful self again before all of this brouhaha. I want you to know that you are good enough to be loved and that you will find love again.

You're not a rock babe. Get up and move. Live your life again.

I Love You Always Forever - Betty Who

There are times when a revival is poorly done that instead of making the original song a better version to capture a new market, it ends up worse than the original. There are a few revivals however, that are at par with the original version, making the song current once more.

Betty Who's revival of a Donna Lewis original is a classic example of a good thing reborn without bastardizing the original version.

No ifs, no buts... Just do it!

Hello kids, daddy's back. Hush now....

I have been meaning to write the past four days but I lost my mojo and I don't think I've already got it back. Excuses, excuses, yada yada... blah blah blah, which brings me to this moment.

Have you ever made plans of doing something important - learning a new language, mastering a new skill (like taking a bath or brushing your teeth), pondering on thought provoking questions (like is butter a carb?), or making life changing decisions (like wearing underwear today), yet you end up NOT DOING because you have been putting it off? Guilty!

I am not saying that you're lazy. All I am saying is that you have been meaning to do what you needed to do but you lacked the focus, motivation or even the follow through in doing it. Maybe you think you have enough time after a long day and you decided to put it off till later only to find out that something else needed your attention. Fact is, YOU HAVE THE TIME to do it, but you won't. So instead of second guessing yourself, overanalyzing, and finding excuses not to do it NOW, why not JUST DO IT and get it over and done with? It makes sense right? Yes it does, especially when you know that you're going to end up doing it anyway.

Focus, motivate yourself, and do what you need to do when you need to do it. Make full use of your time by making time and getting rid of all of your excuses and you'll end up becoming more productive than you could ever imagine.

Vibe - Fly By Midnight

There are moments that you just have to appreciate the rawness of music (and its lyrics) without arguing with your moral compass.

This is one of those moments. Shut up, just enjoy.