Fire and Ice

Silhouettes of lights and darkness
from a distant horizon, now superimposed
in my mind's eye whirls of colors and shapes
from a forgotten past or a distant future.

Haze of purple sadness, streaks of blue
and white, as pale as your skin next to mine.
Goosebumps and sweat and smiles, in an endless parade
of laughing faces now, faces frowning with sadness.

Two for the price of one, laughter and sorrow for a bargain
The tears flow as the laughter ends, the happy mask
breaks and now frowns at eternity, gray and white and
an endless black like the colors of my soul.

Funny how your bed mocks mine, your pillows throw
themselves in the air, yes the same air we breathe
when the moon holds her breath as she swims like
a ghostly galleon in an endless ocean of night.

Funny how your smile turns to a crooked frown,
a half baked grin perhaps to scare the light out of
these four corners that embraced the darkness
of our souls, never to reveal their colors.

I sit pale and weak and shivering
denying your existence from my own
making knots out of bits and pieces of
ropes that bind our very souls

Your soul intertwines with mine
mine threatens to takeover your sanity
and the same fire that you burn
is extinguished by the storm I bring

You will cease to exist....

Baka Bukas

Copyright Ritche F. Baria, Tag-Araw sa Tag-ulan, June 19, 2009

Baka bukas, mundo ko’y umikot
Magbubunyi sa’yong paglisan
Sabay ng umagang babati
Sa isang matamis na ngiti sa aking labi

Baka bukas, araw ko’y sisikat
Susunugin ang mga anino ng kahapon
Liliwanag sa isang sulok ng mga pangarap
Na binuo natin noon.

Baka bukas, ulan ay titila
Mula sa mga matang sayo lamang bumaling
Mga titig na sa maganda mong mukha
Lamang nakapako at natutong tumingin.

Baka bukas, halakhak ko’y marinig
Mula sa mga labing walang sawang
Sumambit ng walang katapusang
Pagmamahal at panunumpa ng katapatan

Baka bukas, lungkot ko ay mapawi
Sa pusong sa’yo lamang nakakilala ng saya
At natutong maging maligaya
Sa kapirasong langit na nadama.

Baka bukas, matuto muli akong mangarap
Buuin ang pira-pirasong bahagi ng
Nagkalat na pusong nagmahal
At patuloy na magmamahal

Baka bukas, pandinig ko’y magbalik
Para marinig ang boses mo sa bawat
Tawag sa telepono
“Kumusta ka…. Kumusta ako?”

Pero bukas pa yon…..
Mamahalin muna kita ngayon……

Sinful

Copyright Ritche F. Baria

One of the reasons why Andoks has become my favorite tambayan. Jing and Robert, eat your heart out. Nyahahaha!

Sunlight...Sunset....

Copyright Ritche F. Baria

Dinner at Via Mare overlooking the amber lit Manila Bay (in sepia)

Mga Katha sa Ilalim ng P90 na Payong ...... (Series 1)

Kailan mo ulit ako mamahalin......? Buong araw na tanong sa aking sarili. Bukas? Sa isang linggo? Sa isang taon? Kailan kaya?


... ikaw na bumuo ng ilang libong pangarap at pinalutang sa dagat na walang katiyakan, akay ng maingat na ihip ng hangin sa kung saan ... lulubog o lilitaw... ay hindi alam.

... ikaw na naglapat ng titik sa piping awit ng mga ibon, sa ugong ng hangin sa gabi, at sa musikang dala ng dagat sabay sa paghampas sa mga bato sa dalampasigan.

... ikaw na nagpaamo sa galit ng araw, nagpatahan sa pag-iyak ng bagyo, at nagpasaya sa mga bituin ng kadiliman ng gabi.



Subalit nasaan ka?


... nasaan na ang mga pangarap na binuo at binuhay ng mga malikhaing isip, inanod na ba sila?

... nasaan na ang tinig at mga awit na kinatha ng mga pusong umiibig, nakalimutan na ba ang bawat linya?

... at nasaan na ang maamong araw, ang mga bituing tanglaw sa dilim... wala na sila, isa-isang napundi ba?



Kailan mo ulit ako mamahalin... bukas kaya... o hindi na?

Mga Katha sa Ilalim ng P90 na Payong ...... (Series 2)

While sleeping together for the first time.....

About 3 or 4AM
You : I love you
Me: Bakit mo ko love?
You: Zzzzzzzzzz (tinulugan ako)

About 6AM
Me: You were drunk, lasing ka yata kagabi.
You: Hindi ako lasing nakainom lang
Me: Lasing ka!
You: Why? Bakit ako lasing?
Me: (Laughing) Because you said "I love you" to me.
You: I did not!!!!
Me: Yes you did!
You: I did not! Baka you heard me wrong. I said I'm gonna miss you.
Me: Ok...

About 8AM, on my way home
Phone beeps......
You: Hindi ako lasing ;-)
Me: Kebs lang.....

Where the Wind Blows

"Hi. What are you doing tonight."

A simple sentence can open lots of possibilities --- answers to boredom, alternatives to plans that did not materialize, substitutes for relations that are longed for, panaceas to intimacies forgotten.

"I'm on my way back to the office. Why What's up?"
"Do you wanna have coffee or dinner?"

Sometimes, we do not know where we muster the courage to do the unthinkable, to get out of out pretty little boxes and create a rampage knowing that we will leave a mess to clean up after. But we still do it anyway.

"You are not going to like what you will see, I look like...."
"I just asked you for coffee or dinner, it's not like I'm gonna marry you..."
"But of course I have to be presentable, I have to look my best.. I have to..."
"Yes or No?"
"Yes. Where are we meeting then"
"Greenbelt. "
"Okay. See you in a bit."
"See you then..."

Sometimes it makes me wonder why relationships are so complicated, why people never see each other eye to eye. Maybe people don't understand each other at all, or maybe, people make excuses for a lot of things other than facing these head on. We will see about that.

"Where are you?"
"Gateway heading to Greenbelt"
"Ok, my office is just a few steps from Greenbelt so I'll just see you there."
"Ok."

The first date is always crucial. (Well I am using the word date loosely as I am not sure what I am getting into. I am seriously fucked up.) It is when people put their best foot forward, wear the fanciest of clothes just to look like that poster boy for Mr. Right (or Mr. Right Now for some). The first date is usually a process that takes a lifetime to perfect. You can really look good all you want but when you start opening your mouth, that makes a lot of difference. Trust me, unzipping something is a do or die scenario at this point.

"Hey where are you. I'm at Greenbelt"
"Ok..be there in a jiffy"
"I'll just wait for you in one of those benches. I'm here in between Prada and Hugo Boss."

Seriously? bench between Prada and Hugo Boss? Are you fucking kidding me? That's where the ex and I fought nonstop that I had to walkout. Is this some kind of an epiphany? Should I not proceed as planned? Well, like I said, I look mighty fine today.. so here goes....

"Hey there you are. Sorry, took me a while to be here."
"It's ok. Just got here anyway." (Grumpy)
"So, what do you wanna do? Wanna have dinner?"
"Nope, I just ate, look at me"
"Coffee then? Where?"
"Definitely not here, a lot of people will see us."
"Ok, your options are Coffee Bean over there, Starbucks over there and another Starbucks at Greenbelt 1."
"Let's See our options then."
"Okaaaaaay." (Getting a little impatient here)

Sometimes people can be so picky that it's already irritating, and this is starting to irritate me. Definitely not Coffee Bean. Starbucks.. naah-ah....Heading now to Greenbelt I. Great, I'm going down another trip to memory lane. As I remember it correctly, it was at Starbucks where the ex shoved the "I want space or else breakup with me" line down my throat. Not a very good place to date.. A lot of negative vibes. Oh wait.. this is NOT a date. Still walking and walking... Went past Starbucks because there were no seats (yehey! two snaps for you), didn't want Gilligans because your officemates are there.. Geeziz... I am going to lose my cool.

"You know what, we don't really have to have coffee you know...
"Oh yeah? You're not eating either, right?"
"Well you could eat and I could order something else and we could talk.." (Wow..you know how to compromise this early? Does the two year age difference with the ex really matter?)
"Okay let's go to Conti's then."
"Conti's.. back at the other Greenbelt?" (Getting impatient)
"Yup... that Greenbelt"
"Okay." (If not for your really cute smile, at this point I will really have to kill you... but no )

Conti's tonight was packed with people. I don't know where the hell did everybody get the idea to go out and dine.. here .. of all places... Is there some pre-Valentine Date-a-Palooza I did not know about? I am impatient, and I'm hungry!

"You know what, there's Fuzion upstairs. They have smoothies of all sorts, maybe I could grab a sandwich too? How does that sound?"
"Cool. Fuzion then." (Hmmm...you really know how to compromise...I like you already)

After running thru the menu and barking out our orders, we finally have the chance to talk. I never noticed how cuter you are now than earlier... Maybe because I smell food and I'm less grumpy than before? Maybe because you keep in smiling and flashing those cute little fangs of yours....Or maybe it's because of the fact that we can compromise. I don't know. Let me have my dinner first and perhaps we will find out.

Photo by: Mohamed Hassan

"I have to tell you honestly, I don't do this often.. err I don't do this at all. For crying out loud, I don't even know you."
"Same here. Normally, it will take me at least a month or two before I meet someone but, you seem nice, so what the heck."
"Before anything else.... I'm sorry I forgot to ask your real name."
"It's Ritche. And yours?"
"__________________. But why Choi? Can I call you Choi?"
"Because I'm taba-Choi.. that's why."
"No you're not."
"Trust me, I lost a lot of weight already."

Fluidity is a very key ingredient to every conversation. It makes or break a date. (Mental Note: This is NOT a date). The mere fact that we carry on having a continuous conversation means we're doing good. But this is the first date, so I wouldn't know. All I know is this is freaky. Freaky in the sense that you can finish my sentences and I can finish yours and we've just met. I wish all relationships are like this -- no expectations, only surprises. But in the real world, people have expectations, people get disappointed, people get hurt trying to live up to these expectations, relationships fail. But not tonight. If only I could look into your eyes.... but I can't!

"Where do we go after this?"
"I dunno, what say you? What do you wanna do?"
"I really don't know, but I am having a great time... so anything goes..."
"What to do.. what to do....? Oh yeah how about coffee then?"
"Are you kidding me? I just had a smoothie and a crepe."
"Okay.. what then?"
"Uhm.... do you know of a place?" (Uy.. place daw o! What are you thinking..)
"Place? What did you have in mind?"
"Anything...."
"Are you thinking what I am now thinking...?"
"Well, I don't know.... It's just that I really enjoy the company, and you seem like a nice guy."
"Hmmm... do you really do this on the first date?"
"Uhm....., no.. but it's weird. I feel like I've known you for a long time and I just feel okay with you"
"Sorry... maybe next time? Not tonight..."
"But if you had your way tonight.....would you?"
"Yes."
"Can we talk about this over drinks?"
"Sure, let's go down.."

The entire strip of bars was crowded with people getting their freak on. Like I said, Pre-Valentine Date-a-Palooza. Off we go to MOA then. I could feel your hand slightly touch mine and I could just grab and hold it... but I can't. I don't want to appear overeager. But I really wanted to hold your.......wait, we're already holding hands. I could feel your palms touch mine and I could feel the warmth of your touch. At certain times when I will look at you, you will look the other way, but I do know you glance back to see if I was looking at you.... and I can see you looking my way. Amazing... I can see people looking at us when we hurried to find seats but I don't mind. Maybe it's instinct, or maybe it's the fact that people can be observant. Just as we sit, your phone rings, you look at me and ask permission to take that call... I know WHO that is....and I had to allow you.

While yo were gone I had time to do a lot of stuff. Thanks to free wifi, I can still multitask. "Blushing. So this is blushing. Now stop looking at me already." Posted. There.Shared at FaceBook. LeeAnn comments, Chaps comments, I coment -- an endless loop of comments. Till you finally showed up. Time for us to get drunk.

"I'm sorry I kept you waiting. It's just that I had to take the call, I didn't know it will take this long"
"It's ok, I understand." (Actually I just heard the words I'm sorry, and the rest of the explanation didn't matter. Geeziz, I'm finally getting soft.)
"I can't seem to look at you. I don't know"
"That makes two of us."
"What are we anyway?"
"What do you mean WE?"
"Exactly, do you really want to define this as of this point?"
"No. I don't know you, you don't know me"
"Yeah...I wanna kiss you"
"Now?" (Uh-oh...here we go again)
"Do you have a Facebook account. I want to add you now"
"Blushing? You're blushing? Hahahaha!" (referring to the recently posted status update. Great! Now I'm screwed)

If there is one thing I've learned over the years, it's the fact that some relationships are better not to be defined, some are doomed from the start. This is one of those "relationships" that you know will leave a big mess but you go ahead and clean after yourself when the bloodbath begins. The moment that people bind themselves with each other, most of the problems arise when one of them couldn't breathe, and we don't want to suffocate our partners with our very presence. And after a long period of staring, looking away, and smiling, we go back to where we started...

"So what do we do now?"
"What do you wanna do?"
"Would you like to stay with me for a while?"
"I'd really like that..."

I'm not sure it it was the alcohol, or the sadness, or the longing..... maybe it's a bit of everything . I have a secret to confess...... my mind was made up to see a movie tonight, but I guess, I am not yet over with the idea that I have been played by my ex, and that up tot the last minute, I can still salvage my friendship with the ex. After all, it was my stupid idea to ask the ex out earlier. It doesn't matter now. You're here. And after that long discussion on what time we should get up, who sets the alarm yada yada yada... we were together... I know we don't do this.. we aren't like this. But at this point, we want to be with each other. Can't argue with that.

At about 3 or 4am.....
"I love you...."
"Why do you love me?"
"zzzzzzzzzzzz..."

The most genuine of emotions are expressed when the subconscious takes over. The conscious mind often argues with logic and follows whatever theory outweighs the other. But not when you are sleeping. You sleeping soundly with your head rested on my shoulder....telling me that you love me...... and you don't even know me. Here's the deal, I can never have you... I know that...But my brain is too tired to process that information and my heart says, it's okay, move on already. I fell asleep.....

At about 6am at the time when three mobile phones were alternately alarming.....
"You were drunk"
"Whaaat? No I was not!"
"Yes you were..."
"How was I drunk?"
"You told me you love me"
"I did nooot!"
"Yes you did.. if only I had it recorded"
"No...you heard me wrong...., I said I was going to miss you"
"Okay..."

Between those exchanges, I know that a part of you won't let me go. A part of me won't let you go. But after we go out of this hotel, we have separate lives to go back to. You have a date, and I have lunch with my friend. But that's not really the point, is it? We both know that this is doomed from last night. We only both know how many kisses we kissed...how many hugs we hugged...Still, I would like mornings like this where I can wake up next to you, and we still like each other no matter how bad we look or how drunk we are. But this morning is going to end anytime soon.....

"Could you check if you left anything?" (I'm gonna miss you)
"I'm good.. let's go home now" (Home to where? May I stay with you longer?)
"There's my cab.. so... I'll just text you later?"
"Sure. I think I'll just walk a bit"
"Goodbye...."
"Bye..."

I have never appreciated Makati..... I don't know when was the last time I took a long walk along Ayala Avenue just to clear my head...humming.... singing...... And for the first time, sunshine felt good on my skin. It didn't burn. A few brisk walks and I was in front of PBCom Tower..... a lot of memories here....That's where I stood waiting for the ex when I brought food, that's the spot where.....and then I had to stop and erase these memories in my head. I want to make room for new ones. Better ones. Lasting ones....

I don't know if this is one of those memories... but I just have to go where the wind blows.....

Tentoki in the Flesh: Pathological Liars

Have you ever had that feeling in your gut that you have been wronged? That no matter how polite certain people are, no matter how kind and caring these people are and no matter how hard they repeatedly tell you that they love you, there is a certain evil that lurks that you can't just figure out? You feel that someway and somehow.... YOU HAVE BEEN WRONGED, but you can't seem to reconcile how.

There are people lurking everywhere with evil minds and black hearts, yet these people have perfected their transformation that their evil intentions are subtly masked by their positive traits. They have perfected the art of seduction, the art of manipulation and my favorite of all : SELECTIVE HONESTY (Read: Lying). These people have mastered the art of pushing the people who love them to the edge of a cliff while they masterfully gloat over their triumph. They refer to the demise of people as a hobby, power play a sport, and destruction as happiness.

But how can it be you say? When you have devoted your entire life trying to cater to these people's needs, worshiping their egos, boosting their morale, filling in for some dysfunction in their families, and when you made each and every effort to create harmony as far as your dealing s with them are concerned? You're wrong! Truly, madly, deeply wrong! These people have no conscience, as if when the consciousness of having a conscience was forming in their primitive craniums, this was already replaced with the same evil that flows in their veins.

A good friend said, you can never change bad people. I say YES, you can't, but you can always change how they affect you and your wellbeing. These people are hopeless, so, no effort to change from their end can be expected. No effort from your end to make them change should be expected. You are just wasting your time. You will never be good enough to these people and your efforts meaningless.These people should not be encouraged. They should be pitied, because that's what they truly are - sad, pitiful, lying and untrustworthy demons.

The Train Ride That was Meant to Last 99 Years

Copyright Ritche F. Baria, February 02, 2010

From that day I saw an old couple, probably in their 60's, sharing trains with each other like as if it were their first, I've always hoped that I will share more train rides with you for the rest of our lives. And you said you would... From that moment on... I knew I will always look forward to that.

But here I am alone... looking past each building, each car, each post, every tree in sight, every glimpse of yellow sun that reminds me something is missing... it was you....

I keep on retracing each and every of our steps - every restaurant, every coffee shop, every cinema, every shop, everything that reminds me of a future that never will be. I guess I will be doing this for a while, maybe not to torture myself, but to remind myself not ever to allow my heart to get control of me.

Next stop, Ayala Station....

I remember this escalator, the very same escalator where you met me when you were shopping for your Halloween trimmings. I could recall each faint hello and giggle that went with it, and how surprised you were when I told you I was in Ayala. You were hungry then, but I said.. I'll take care of it... and I love taking care of you.

There goes that Max's restaurant where we made up after that night I walked out. Well, we almost didn't make up, but thanks to that couple who, in their eccentric minds started taking pictures, and made us laugh. You were meeting your friends then to attend Paulo's mom's birthday party. And on that night, you so proud to tell Tricia I was important... I guess I was... maybe...

Do you remember this activity area where we usually check out gadgets? You'll love what's on display. Being the photography fanatic that you are, you will droll over the lenses on display... but then again.. you are not here.

There's Food Choices.... remember how we just sit there over ice cream if we were too lazy to eat or think about eating... I could still see us seated and laughing about how other people would stare at us... yeah.. good times.

Who could forget the cinemas? You or me patiently waiting at Wendy's where we'd get food there or at Taters? The fries that you love, the fillets that I have been accustomed to eating.... the endless checking of merchandise at Rustan's while waiting for the screening.. (well you finally did get that bag you wanted)... and how you were irated by that attendant who made comments on you... yeah.. you always had it in you...

Now going to Greenbelt -- Topman, Topshop, Gola,name all the brands and we've been there... the late afternoon mass at Greenbelt which we couldnt finish either because of the heat or because we were impatient. And.... that's the bench where we argued and I walked out.... Sigh...I could explain to you again a hundred times that I did come back for you, but you weren't there.

Raging Storm.. Hahahaha! We showed them didn't we? We finished the entire game. Now no one's playing... No one seems to bother... No one seems to care touching those makeshift armalites.

Who could forget Centro? We were so pleased with that waitress that we decided to leave her a note written on tissues. But the waitresses/waiters there have been warm to us... maybe they were amused or glad.. I don't know anymore....

Recipes has been a new favorite. I told you that you will like Gising-gising.. and you did. I'm just glad now that at least, I was able to convince you to eat your veggies, now I know you will always be healthy...

Banana Leaf!!!!!! From that time we went to Cebu, we have always loved lamb curry. I remember standing in line outside that same door when I bought some for you when you stayed late for work. Like I said.. I do love taking good care of you....

Conti's! =) Pity they don't have that Mango Cream cake you love.. It's a good thing I was able to get you one whole cake before they phased it out... I wish I could find one for you again... Maybe not...

Greenbelt 1, Greenbelt 5 all restos and shops.... these all remind me of you... It gets harder and harder going around knowing that wherever I go, these all remind me of you. But this is the only way I can feel connected to you.

And Starbucks....the last place we ever saw each other, probably for the last time....I remember how controlled I was talking to you, you were as controlled as ever, and just that we didn't meet halfway. I never imagined that it will end that way... or this way.....

I keep on retracing the same steps till I get on that same train again....

Shangri-La? Where you bought my cake? Where you bought bibingka for your mom?

Megamall? Where you got me cookies and water when I was impatiently waiting for my turn at Smart?

Or should I go to The Block or Trinoma where everything began....? Asparagus wrapped in bacon for dinner? Movie starring Clive Owen "The International"? Coffee at Starbucks? Each and every memory playing in an endless loop...

The way I see it... my entire world revolved around you.. until the next 99 years...

I will keep on taking these trains, retracing these steps until finally one day, I will learn to give up..... maybe I won't.... But until that day.. these trains will still go on travelling their routes --- back and forth.... and who knows..... maybe when the time is right.... maybe we can share one train ride again.....

Maybe..... but I'm not counting on it anymore.......