02 November 2019

The A Team

My new role allows me to manage a small team and I'm very excited because I have an exceptional team. As a mentor, I am not the type who would shove down my ideas, values, beliefs and even my working style on anybody's throat. I am a firm believer of the uniqueness of every person and that everyone has their own working style. I would normally just assign tasks and ask for feedback just to check on everybody's progress. If I don't get feedback, that would be the time when I get too anxious and I keep pushing until something gets accomplished. Luckily, my team catches on very quickly.

Z is very quiet. But don't underestimate her, for she is very flexible and very reliable. I really don't need to tell her what to do because she always thinks two steps ahead and before I say I word, she has already started working on something which I am just about to ask her to do. She's very good with training and recruitment too.

P is quite shy. Maybe because she is still at that stage of finding her own voice but I know that she'll get there. But don't get fooled, even with very little mentoring, she manages to catch on with her colleagues and has closed accounts as expected. I have high hopes for her and I know that when she finds her voice, she'll be unstoppable.

H is very forward, which is what I like about her. She is not afraid to speak her mind, and she asks a lot of questions. I encourage her to ask questions because I can see how dedicated she is and she loves what she does. She takes charge when she feels that a project needs more hands, and she is always driven.

W is the baby of the group, and while he is very new, he is no amateur. He basically embodies the same working style that I had when I was his age. He never runs out of feedback for any task I assign, and while he usually needs a moment to process tasks, he is lethal when he delivers, and he delivers with precision.

Since I know that you guys are reading this, let me thank you for being you. Never stop being you. I appreciate the fact that you all suffer with me when we all get burned sometimes, even for the decisions that we didn't make, but I also am grateful for rallying behind me for the decisions that five of us all make. 

See you Monday guys!

26 August 2019

Alone Again (and Hungry) Naturally.....

I did not eat today. Not because it is a personal choice, or because I am on a diet, but literally have no food and no money. I am not ashamed to say that I have been having financial difficulties since April, because that’s fact. I am not surprised either that I have it till August with my sanity still intact, and still able to smile because God has been kind. I wish HE could be a little bit kinder and make all of these go away, but this is what it is and it is a mess I am trying to figure out.

Most of my friends, well so called friends don’t talk to me anymore. Why would they? It’s not like I want to make plans and hang out when all I can think right now is I hope I have something to eat tomorrow. I used to be in denial about this, but, when you’ve suffered long enough, you’ve learned to grow thicker skin and a stronger backbone to not mind what other people say. All you need to focus is to survive and make it thru another day.

Most people close to me think that I am okay. Most of them don’t take my situation seriously when in fact, I have been repeatedly asking for help for months now. And why would they? I always joke about my real problems everytime a door closes on me when I ask for help. It is ever easy when the only person who can help you is yourself.

Two Saturdays ago, I went to a friend’s house to ask for help and she was kind enough to help me get thru my issues that day. But as always, it’s just a band-aid solution to a wound that keeps growing deeper and is bleeding me dry. I remember I was so hungry that night, I also didn’t have anything to eat, but lo and behold, I had cake, lechon, shrimp, rice, and palabok that night. The lady she calls mom (not her real mother) was kind enough to accommodate me in their home at 10 in the evening and welcomed me, someone she didn’t know. Not only that, she gave me enough food to bring home so I was able to eat for the next few days until I could get my salary and repay her back. I will never forget their kindness.

It’s always that for me – borrow, pay, repay, repeat. A never ending cycle which I don’t know when I will be able to resolve. A miracle perhaps will help me find my footing again and start anew, but until then, it will always be endless nights of worry. There are times  that I just wanted to wake up if this was a dream, or just die, so I could at least find some peace. But I don’t want to cause any more heartache to my mother and my sister who have been nothing but very supportive of me all throughout this journey.

I wish I could blame these on certain circumstances which started June last year which led me to this, but enough of pointing fingers. It’s not the solution that I seek, especially when I have to keep on begging for what is rightfully mine.

I am not writing this for you to pity me. I just want you to know that whenever you see me, smiling, it’s all a lie. I am not okay. I wish you could see the pain I have been trying to hide for months now behind every smile. And maybe, just maybe, when one day I decide to throw in the towel and give up, you’ll realize that I have been fighting this battle for so long, that I am almost about to give up.

27 May 2019

Mystery of Love - Sufjan Stevens

Sufjan Stevens.... how do I even begin to describe thee. You break my heart with each and every melody, and you bring me back to a place that is so vulnerable it just makes me want to curl up and feel weak and defenseless.

But I love your music. I love how you make me believe in love, that I am capable of love, and that I am worthy of love.

26 May 2019

Goodbye Old Friend

Blackberries have always been unconventional in a world now dominated by Apple and Samsung. But I do love anything out of the ordinary. Blackberries have always made me feel like I'm in touch with something old and sacred, the art of communicating perhaps? The physical keypad always feels like a friend I've known for so long.

However, with the sudden announcement of Blackberry finally shutting down it's BBM Service, I had to make a painful choice. I've always loved BBM and Blackberry, but if this love isn't reciprocated, who am I to stay in a relationship where there is nothing mutual anymore?

Goodblye Blackberry. We had good times!

Copyright : R.F. Baria Instagram : @Tsoinami