I did not eat today. Not because it is a personal choice,
or because I am on a diet, but literally have no food and no money. I am not
ashamed to say that I have been having financial difficulties since April, because
that’s fact. I am not surprised either that I have it till August with my
sanity still intact, and still able to smile because God has been kind. I wish
HE could be a little bit kinder and make all of these go away, but this is what
it is and it is a mess I am trying to figure out.
Most of my friends, well so called friends don’t talk to
me anymore. Why would they? It’s not like I want to make plans and hang out when
all I can think right now is I hope I have something to eat tomorrow. I used to
be in denial about this, but, when you’ve suffered long enough, you’ve learned
to grow thicker skin and a stronger backbone to not mind what other people say.
All you need to focus is to survive and make it thru another day.
Most people close to me think that I am okay. Most of
them don’t take my situation seriously when in fact, I have been repeatedly
asking for help for months now. And why would they? I always joke about my real
problems everytime a door closes on me when I ask for help. It is ever easy
when the only person who can help you is yourself.
Two Saturdays ago, I went to a friend’s house to ask for
help and she was kind enough to help me get thru my issues that day. But as
always, it’s just a band-aid solution to a wound that keeps growing deeper and
is bleeding me dry. I remember I was so hungry that night, I also didn’t have
anything to eat, but lo and behold, I had cake, lechon, shrimp, rice, and palabok that
night. The lady she calls mom (not her real mother) was kind enough to
accommodate me in their home at 10 in the evening and welcomed me, someone she
didn’t know. Not only that, she gave me enough food to bring home so I was able
to eat for the next few days until I could get my salary and repay her back. I
will never forget their kindness.
It’s always that for me – borrow, pay, repay, repeat. A
never ending cycle which I don’t know when I will be able to resolve. A miracle
perhaps will help me find my footing again and start anew, but until then, it
will always be endless nights of worry. There are times that I just wanted to wake up if this was a
dream, or just die, so I could at least find some peace. But I don’t want to
cause any more heartache to my mother and my sister who have been nothing but
very supportive of me all throughout this journey.
I wish I could blame these on certain circumstances which
started June last year which led me to this, but enough of pointing fingers. It’s
not the solution that I seek, especially when I have to keep on begging for
what is rightfully mine.
I am not writing this for you to pity me. I just want you
to know that whenever you see me, smiling, it’s all a lie. I am not okay. I
wish you could see the pain I have been trying to hide for months now behind every
smile. And maybe, just maybe, when one day I decide to throw in the towel and
give up, you’ll realize that I have been fighting this battle for so long, that
I am almost about to give up.
