Post Mortem

I found reading to be a great comfort these past few days.  Reading,  which was once my hobby,  was something alien to me for the longest time that I lost track.  I would start with a book,  flick on a few pages and found myself bored and lazy to even continue to make sense even of the summary of what was before me.  It was painful,  it was a chore.

For three days now,  since I started scrolling over stories on Wattpad, I have ignored my tablet's plea for a full recharge so I may continuenon reading endlessly and pick up from where I left off during meals and bathroom breaks.  I will never allow myself to be interrupted by viber messages related to work which defeats the ourpose as to why I am on leave in the first place.  I will never reduce myself to answering FaceBook messages from friends,  "friends",  and friends(?)  only to be annoyed in the end.  Reading was pure joy.

I was so surprised with how I manage to wake up at 4am when everybody else was in deep slumber in the cold of night and start off with a new book. Fifteen hours later,  I would finish 15 books from differrent aspirinng authors.  It has been a routine for two days now and I don't seem to mind. Until I ran across the TASMOB (for the weak of heart,  let's just call it that) series,  a fiction from a writer who calls herself "No Pressure,  Just Boxers" .  I never knew how messed up I was as a person until I read this.

I will not give justice to it by giving a blow by blow account as to how the story progressed and ended,  for I believe everyone of us has a way of interpreting literature based on how it affected us and how it made us feel . I was at awe as how it left a sour taste in my mouth, so sour that it made me feel sad and upset over certain feelings I have long come to terms with.

Unlike in the stories in all three books of the series,  where fictional characters battled with their demons,  made choices,  had regrets,  and were given second chances,  the truth is,  reality hurt. It was easy for these characters to move on and have a happy ending. It was unfair.

In the real world,  shit happens. Shit,  no matter how you see it,  is real. It is staring at you in the eye like another five year old who stole your lollipop and watches you sarcastically as you cry helplessly. You know that it doesn't get better soon and you that it won't go away,  only to haunt you back when you least expect it.

Right here in a corner of our humble living room,  as I watched my mother prepare lunch,  I began to ask myself a lot of questions:

1. Why doesn't anybody, truly understand how I feel.  I also get stressed and harassed too,  and I never complain about it. I wish somebody would stop and ask for once if I'm okay,  that would be a relief, even if I know I would merely receive fake smiles and words of comfort. 

2. Why do all of the people who have been in relationships with me seem to just suddenly decide to choose someone else and move on,  not even wondering about the time,  effort and perseverance that I have to exert in saving each and every relationship.

3. Why does it always feel like I am on quicksand,  the harder I try to break free,  the more that I sink in.

4. Where did time go?  Why has it been so unkind?

5.  Will I truly find THE ONE like in those books?  The One  who is going to go after you up to the ends of the universe to simply not let you go?  Is there even such a thing as THE ONE?  If there is,  how will I know?

6.  Where am I really heading to?  Am I even included in someone else's plan for the future.

And the sad truth is...... I DONT KNOW.

I remember a time when books were about poems about the birds and the bees,  about stories of heroes in foreign lands,  of happy ever afters,  of rainbows and unicorns and butterflies.

But I am not a kid anymore.

I am way over those years where I hurt myself,  bleed,  and a simple reassuring kiss on any cut or bruise would make the pain go away.  I am way over those years where I hung socks to prove Santa Clause was real, or to stay up and wait for the tooth fairy just to ask what the hell was this fascination about teeth is for.

For once,  in this little corner,  I have decided that I need to save me from my own self.  I am not Jaydin or Cameron. There will be no Travis and Aaron to make sure I will be okay,  no Graham and Calvin to make me feel like I belong,  no Dana and Kim who will understand me even in my silence,  no Austin,  Lee,  Nate,  Mickey and Daniel who will be my friends,  no, none of these characters will be there for me.

It is just me.

Someone.....please save me.

I gave the RIGHT pieces of 

myself to the WRONG people.

Now, I'm stuck.....

A Very Soiled Old Note

Into The Rain, Into My Dreams

I used to love the rain. Rain made me feel cool during the summer, would quench the thirst of my mother's plants that she carefully takes care of in our yard, and rain would mean we now have the chance to go out and play - my sister and I. We were kids. And what do kids know. For us, basking under the glory of heaven's waters was fun, nothing more but fun. Life used to be that simple.

On certain occasions that storms come and we were not permitted to go out and bathe in the rain. The pitter patter of the raindrops are a hum to make me fall asleep. I would long for the dark skies and the thunder, for I knew that these are merely a prelude to something more spectacular. Raindrops send me to magical places in my sleep, often, to places unknown and unheard of. Raindrops made sure I get to those places and come back from them safe and sound.

As I grew older, and wiser (so to speak), Science taught me about pollution, about acid rain, and about the diseases that came with it. I began to had doubts about the sanity of my actions - bathing in the rain, having fun. My sister never cared, as she went about her business and played until she could no longer bear the cold. She was the wiser one. She always was, she still is. 

Photo Credits : KEVIN DOOLEY

As years passed by, I became more distant from the thought of rain. I became distant from my old friend until the day came that I bid farewell to that friendship. I said goodbye to my old friend, rain. It was time to grow up. And sooner, rain became my enemy. I would curse the days when rain flooded the streets of the Metro and made it more difficult for me to go to work. I would curse the days when I had to cancel my plans or whenever I get stuck in traffic because of the heavy downpour, and worse, then I would walk just to get home because traffic wasn't moving. Those were a lot of days.

Last night, I anticipated rain to cause much devastation again brought about by Super Typhoon Hagupit. It was me screaming on top of my lungs for rain to do his worse, and I will still be there standing cursing it to no end. But..... all was calm. The storm I anticipated never came. I spent hours and hours on my balcony looking at the bay area from the horizon and yet, not dark clouds - everything was bright, and serene. From the distance, I could see fireworks, perhaps,  for people to celebrate or to give thanks that no harm came. 

Everything was alright, except for the droplets of rain that keep on falling from the skies. I extended my had far out just enough to catch a few drops, and I began to feel sad. Nostalgia perhaps? Was it the weather? Suddenly, flashes of memories of me and my sister running around the house with our wet clothes on flooded my mind. We looked so happy, we looked to peaceful, we looked so carefree, and we had fun. I extended my hand more and more memories of my childhood filled my head. I became even more sad.

I wasn't sad because I was mad at rain, or because I have been distant. I wasn't sad because I grew up. I was sad because the life that I know now will never be as simple, as fun and as carefree as it used to be. I was sad for the poor choices I made when I could have gone for the more obvious one. I was sad for not finding more time for the people who have been there for me, and I was sad for giving more importance to the wrong people who will never know my sacrifices for them.

I was sad for a lot of things, but I was no longer angry. Instead, I surrendered myself to rain and all of these emotions and allowed it to be my friend once more. For the first time in nearly twenty years, I allowed rain to lull me again to sleep. In my sleep, I will revisit again magical places and lands unknown and I won't be afraid to dream some more because I know now, everything will be alright.

I have had my life on "PAUSE" for a long time.

It is now time to press "PLAY".

You Get What You Give

No matter how hard you try to do everything in your power to give and give, you will always be found lacking. People will always want more from you, and in the process, you are consumed by your own desire to give more than what you can offer. In the end, you have nothing left to give, nothing for yourself except for the bots and pieces of hope and might-have-beens that you had in you to begin with. It is human nature to be greedy, to want more. And it is also human nature to give more to fill that need, hoping that when they do, they will at least feel wanted, appreciated, valued, loved.

Wrong.....

When 80's and 2014 Music Collide

I have always been a fan of the 80's. Everything about it is fun and happy. And it is very rare for an 80's inspired groove to manage to weave itself into the music of 2014. Well, maybe, until this video came....

Here's Hideaway by Canadian Singer Kiesza.


HIDEAWAY
by Kiesza

I wish life were an 80's movie where everything has a happy ending. In between every sad scene is a song number while the happy ones break out into a song and dance number. 

But life isn't like that. There is no Maricel Soriano or Roderick Paulate production number to cheer you up. It's just you, and all the shitty things around you - the same shitty things that may hurt you, but in the end make you a better person.....

Our issues do not concern other people. 

Let's not take it out on them.

Happy Mothers' Day

Happy Mothers' Day to the only woman in my life.

Que?

Because of a very recent kidney problem, I missed my flight to Bacolod. I am stuck in Metro Manila, in bed, with a painful lower back. Two days and numerous Rowatinex tablets after, I managed to be back on track.

Now what's a boy gotta do?

If people spend time thinking about how much of a prick others are, we will all lose faith in humanity.

If one cannot be appreciated for the simple things, perhaps one needs to move on.....

Royals.... Well, sort of....

Royals
by : Lorde

 

Let me be your ruler.... 

You can call me Queen B!

An Open Letter

Dear Lola B,

I finally understand what you have been telling me all those years. I finally understand how you must have felt, how some of  our colleagues pushed you to become distant, and how some of them made you feel every single day for more than 10 years.

Believe me, I understand.

However Lola B, I am not going to let some of them do the same thing to me. You will be proud when I tell you that I am learning to fight for myself. While it would be nice to have you around to listen to me and my rants, I have learned not to take bullshit from most of them. I have learned not to care up to a certain extent. 

I have learned not to let some of them make me feel any less than they, nor they superior to me, for I know that I am more capable than most of them. It's just that, as you always tell me, people like us never get noticed for our efforts, considering that we have sacrificed more than most of them. (And isn't it funny how some of them act so high and mighty over us when our bosses do not even treat us that way). 

Oh by the way, at least 25% of some of them are reading this blog and I will be crucified for this. But this is my blog.

I have never adjusted to be liked. I stopped trying for them to like me. At the end of the day, I end up doing more things than most of them anyway, be it just a supporting role, so that most of them can be recognized for that. I would rather be hated for being me than be loved for being someone I'm not.

It is just a pity that after almost 13 years, some of our colleagues do not see people like us for our true worth. I am not sure if our bosses do, but that is a different story. I don't want to spend another two years or so waving at the background of some chorus line. It's not that I am giving up, but you said so, I am intelligent, and I will figure it out when the time comes.

I have already figured it out.....


Choi

Funny how one is EXPECTED to soar with the eagles when is is TREATED like a turkey.

Weekend officially starts now...

It is difficult to be in a supporting role. While you do everything in your capacity to offer your best, all attention will always be on the lead actor, the one you are "supporting".

#SMH #Random

Why stress yourself when you can either roll your eyes or lift your middle finger?

This is what I like about Friday nights - cool breeze, while magic happens at eye level....

Post Christmas Post..

Okay, so I got lazy and failed to post some videos last December. Sue me, a guy needs to shop!

One of the reasons why I like Makati during the holidays is the lights display at Ayala Triangle Gardens. The show is about 10-15 minutes with a 30-minute-interval between shows starting from the last week of November up to the first week of January.

I don't have the full clip, but you'll get my point...

Sometimes you simply just need to give people a pat on the back.......with a sledgehammer.

Sometimes, we just need to remind ourselves that we report to the office TO WORK, and NOT TO MAKE FRIENDS.

But First...... Let Me Take A Selfie

Please CANCEL my subscription to your ISSUES!

But first...... let me take a selfie!


SELFIE

By: The Chainsmokers

Sunday By The Bay

Nothing beats sun, wind, sea and good company. 

Late lunch at Pancake House by Manila Bay

All things nice are drenched in blueberry syrup

We're Wicked!

This is one of those days where one keeps thinking is this worth the wait? Is this worth my money (common we paid a hefty sum for those almost front row seats)? Are the actors good enough? Is the production spectacular?

All questions answered, all expectations met, even exceeded. As early as 12 noon, CCP Theater was already filled with spectators taking pictures and selfies.

We were not exempted.....

I wonder what he and Glinda are exchanging whispers about......

Considering that I have been up all night and have not slept due to a pressing emergency at work, I wonder how I have managed to summon the energy for this. He, on the other hand is in his usual preppy self.

We never realized how close we were to the stage until we entered. It wasn't anything like this in the online diagram of seat arrangements. Oh well.

The stage looks rather small from certain angles maybe because of the intricate mechanisms involved. I love the backdrop though

And more selfies....

I wasn't exaggerating when I said that the stage had intricate mechanisms and elaborate props. Look at this dragon on top. It is a prop but it also has a mechanism which adds effect to certain scenes.

and selfies.....

The cast waving the audience farewell after one great show

I have to admit,I have been Glindafied! Glinda and Elphaba were my favorite among the cast. The actors playing these roles were perfect to be each others' opposing force. I would have hoped to see Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth perform but Ali Calder (standby for Jemma Rix) and Suzie Mathers were both forces to be reckoned with.

I love how Ali can go from one vocal range to another and how Suzie would bring Glinda to life. Many will agree with me though when I say that the highlight of the show was Ali singing Defying Gravity with that spine tingling voice. That alone gave me goosebumps(maybe because most people are familiar with the song thanks to Glee)

I would love to see them over and over and over again......

TGIF!!!! Well....carry on.....

It is but sad that the people we meet on a daily basis only see the surface of who we really are. Had they took time to scratch that surface, they will find a different version of us underneath....

ME
by: Paula Cole

I am not the person who is singing

I am the silent one inside

I am not the one who laughs at people's joke

I just pacify their ego

I really have issues with people who ask a lot of questions and require an explanation via SMS, only to get a reply with the atomic symbol of Potassium.

Hello! Who wants to talk about Potassium?

Living together means that you're both supposed to share the load of responsibilities. But what if that isn't the case?

The Story Of My Adolescence

The story of my youth is basically summarized in this clip...

THE A TEAM
by Ed Sheeran

Lost a phone and my powerbank today. Whoever stole it must probably need the money badly....

I just realized that I have stopped laughing in the office since Lola B left. Laughing doesn't make sense without her. She is the only person who "gets" me.

Happy Valentine's!

And at the end of the day, something sweet comes along...

The rest of the world is celebrating Valentine's Day. For some of us, it is just Friday.

I know that I am more than what I am perceived to be, but on a brighter note, I am being taught humility. In the future, when the opportunity presents for me to unleash the greatness that is constantly being overlooked in me, I know that the same humility will keep me grounded and save me from myself.

Booked!

It seems we have finally decided where vacay will be....

Just Another Tagaytay Escapade

Just when you think you have left the stressful traffic in Manila, it follows you to Tagaytay.

Driving around Tagaytay is probably the most relaxing experience next to lying under the sun on a beach....

Finally, lunch is served. It is freezing up here, but the view is great.

Fish Be With You

If you happen to go south, never miss the opportunity to visit Nuvali. As the name implies, it is a hotpot of everything that's modern and old, of nature and technology. Feel free to feed the fish too!

I don't really get it when people with high salaries complain about how stressed they are, how swamped they are with tasks, as if they aren't paid twice or thrice more than other people....

#randomthoughts

I'd like for you to go on and take me for granted with the belief that I will always be here..... 

NOT!

Goodbye Bacolod...

I'll be back before you can say ICE CREAM!