A Love Letter

Dear Self, 

I am sorry that you are in this moment again because of me. You wonder why you are always the one left picking up the pieces after they move on and leave? Simple, I loved too much, I cared too much, and in the process, I lost me.

I invested too much time and effort building something that I thought would now last a lifetime, only to see it crumble overnight. And in the aftermath, I am left in the middle hoping to put the pieces back together. But they don't fit anymore. Some pieces are lost, some irrecoverable.

I spent too much time thinking about other people's happiness instead of my own. I devoted much time taking care of others, hoping to build a home, that I forgot to take care of myself.

I spent many a few holidays with others, thinking it will fill the void, when in fact, I ought to have spent it closer to home - to family, to my friends, to me.

And no matter how difficult it may have seemed - emotionally, physically, financially, I mustered the courage to make sure everything was taken cared of, everyone was taken cared of, except for me. I should have cared for me instead.

And now I end, with the peace knowing that I did my best, I gave it my all, yet I am afraid that I no longer have any love to give to someone else who comes after. That is a burden which that person will bear. And I hope that despite that, whoever the person maybe, will stay.

So rest now my breaking heart. Heal. It is now time to let go. It is now time to forget.

Me

The Sound of Silence

Hello Blogger my old friend

I've come to write to you again

Because a feeling slowly sweeping

Left it's seed while I was busy dreaming

And that feeling, devastated me in my wake

And still remains.... as a mere sound of silence.....

The A Team

My new role allows me to manage a small team and I'm very excited because I have an exceptional team. As a mentor, I am not the type who would shove down my ideas, values, beliefs and even my working style on anybody's throat. I am a firm believer of the uniqueness of every person and that everyone has their own working style. I would normally just assign tasks and ask for feedback just to check on everybody's progress. If I don't get feedback, that would be the time when I get too anxious and I keep pushing until something gets accomplished. Luckily, my team catches on very quickly.

Z is very quiet. But don't underestimate her, for she is very flexible and very reliable. I really don't need to tell her what to do because she always thinks two steps ahead and before I say I word, she has already started working on something which I am just about to ask her to do. She's very good with training and recruitment too.

P is quite shy. Maybe because she is still at that stage of finding her own voice but I know that she'll get there. But don't get fooled, even with very little mentoring, she manages to catch on with her colleagues and has closed accounts as expected. I have high hopes for her and I know that when she finds her voice, she'll be unstoppable.

H is very forward, which is what I like about her. She is not afraid to speak her mind, and she asks a lot of questions. I encourage her to ask questions because I can see how dedicated she is and she loves what she does. She takes charge when she feels that a project needs more hands, and she is always driven.

W is the baby of the group, and while he is very new, he is no amateur. He basically embodies the same working style that I had when I was his age. He never runs out of feedback for any task I assign, and while he usually needs a moment to process tasks, he is lethal when he delivers, and he delivers with precision.

Since I know that you guys are reading this, let me thank you for being you. Never stop being you. I appreciate the fact that you all suffer with me when we all get burned sometimes, even for the decisions that we didn't make, but I also am grateful for rallying behind me for the decisions that five of us all make. 

See you Monday guys!

Alone Again (and Hungry) Naturally.....

I did not eat today. Not because it is a personal choice, or because I am on a diet, but literally have no food and no money. I am not ashamed to say that I have been having financial difficulties since April, because that’s fact. I am not surprised either that I have it till August with my sanity still intact, and still able to smile because God has been kind. I wish HE could be a little bit kinder and make all of these go away, but this is what it is and it is a mess I am trying to figure out.

Most of my friends, well so called friends don’t talk to me anymore. Why would they? It’s not like I want to make plans and hang out when all I can think right now is I hope I have something to eat tomorrow. I used to be in denial about this, but, when you’ve suffered long enough, you’ve learned to grow thicker skin and a stronger backbone to not mind what other people say. All you need to focus is to survive and make it thru another day.

Most people close to me think that I am okay. Most of them don’t take my situation seriously when in fact, I have been repeatedly asking for help for months now. And why would they? I always joke about my real problems everytime a door closes on me when I ask for help. It is ever easy when the only person who can help you is yourself.

Two Saturdays ago, I went to a friend’s house to ask for help and she was kind enough to help me get thru my issues that day. But as always, it’s just a band-aid solution to a wound that keeps growing deeper and is bleeding me dry. I remember I was so hungry that night, I also didn’t have anything to eat, but lo and behold, I had cake, lechon, shrimp, rice, and palabok that night. The lady she calls mom (not her real mother) was kind enough to accommodate me in their home at 10 in the evening and welcomed me, someone she didn’t know. Not only that, she gave me enough food to bring home so I was able to eat for the next few days until I could get my salary and repay her back. I will never forget their kindness.

It’s always that for me – borrow, pay, repay, repeat. A never ending cycle which I don’t know when I will be able to resolve. A miracle perhaps will help me find my footing again and start anew, but until then, it will always be endless nights of worry. There are times  that I just wanted to wake up if this was a dream, or just die, so I could at least find some peace. But I don’t want to cause any more heartache to my mother and my sister who have been nothing but very supportive of me all throughout this journey.

I wish I could blame these on certain circumstances which started June last year which led me to this, but enough of pointing fingers. It’s not the solution that I seek, especially when I have to keep on begging for what is rightfully mine.

I am not writing this for you to pity me. I just want you to know that whenever you see me, smiling, it’s all a lie. I am not okay. I wish you could see the pain I have been trying to hide for months now behind every smile. And maybe, just maybe, when one day I decide to throw in the towel and give up, you’ll realize that I have been fighting this battle for so long, that I am almost about to give up.