Confessions

Kumusta ka na Harbor Square? Dito na na naman ako.

Oo nga pala, naalala mo si.....? Oo, sya nga yung nakilala mo ilang summers ago. Sya yung kasa-kasama ko dito manood ng sunsets mo, yung last na nakasama ko nung January, yung time na nabasa kami ng ulan? We are not together anymore. Iniwan na nya ako. Mga one week na rin.

...There's always this one person, that no matter what he/she does to hurt you, you can't stop loving 'em......

Alam mo, wag mo akong tanungin what happened. Malabo pa rin sa akin ang lahat pero pilit kong iniintindi. Bakit akala mo ganito lang kadali to? Hindi ah, 2 years kong kasa-kasama araw-araw yun!

..Maybe part of loving is letting go, because I'm still holding on to someone who is never going to come back......

Alam mo, balang araw, when i finally understand bakit sya umalis, sasabihin ko rin sayo. Promise. Basta ang sabi lang nya, mahal daw nya ako but its time for me to let go. Oo, hindi ganun kadali, pero, mahal ko yung tao eh. Wala namang sinabi yun na hindi ko sinunod. Except.....

...between our loud laughs, our long fights, and our moments of silence, I fell more in love with you ......

Except...eto lang nung March 10, nawalan ako ng control at nasaktan ko siya nang husto. Napakaliit na bagay lang yun kung tutuusin, at oo foul yung ginawa, alam ko... nangyari na... Iniwan ko sya sa sobrang sama ng loob ko, sa sobrang sakit ng dibdib ko... pero mali yun. I forgot to consider if nung araw na yun, masama rin yung araw nya or malungkot din sya... Nagalit sya, nasaktan ko sya. pero habang papalayo ako nun, nadudurog din puso ko. Nakita ko syang malungkot....I was very sorry... very very very very sorry. Siguro kung pwede kong ulit-ulitin yung pagsorry ko, gagawin ko ulit, pero wala na....... That was where it started.

... why don't you love me back ......

Bakit ayaw na nya sa akin? Because I failed the one person who loved me. Maliit na bagay lang yun para sa iba, pero big deal yun for me. Hindi ko sya dapat iniwan nun. Kahit na ba, dati nagawa din nya akong iwan, nagawa din nya mag-walk-out sa akin... wala na sa akin yun... Hindi ko pa rin dapat ginawang iwan sya. Kaya nga nung Wednesday after that incident, I was preparing myself na iwan na nya ako, pero alam mo... tinanggap pa rin nya sorry ko. Sabi nya, gusto pa rin nya to be with me..., I asked again if sure sya, oo daw.. I had to be sure, sabi ko, I am impatient, may pagka-OC and I'm a lot of things you dont like, do you want to stay with me? Sabi nya oo... That was enough for me because I was more than willing to stay and make up for what I did. Hinding hindi ko na yun uulitin.... maski na for whatever reason pa.

... why do i care ......

Bakit ganun ko sya kamahal? Gusto mo talaga malaman? Nagbago kasi lahat nung hinawakan nya kamay ko in front of friends for the first time suot-suot yung ring na bigay ko, and ang sabi nya " we are going to be together forever". It was more than enough for me. Sya lang pinakilala ko sa bestfriend ko.

Matagal na tayo magkakilala Harbor Square, pero sabi ko naman sayo dati, ang taong ipapakilala ko lang sayo, ay yung asawa ko, the one I am meant to be with for the rest of my life. For me, sya na yun. Ayoko ng iba... sya lang. Kahit till now, it hasnt changed. Sya pa rin at sya lang.

Sya lang yung tao na makakapigil ng galit ko, ng sama ng loob ko kasi pag tumingin sya sa akin, its always like as if nakita nya ako for the first time.Sa kanya ko lang nakita yun.Yeah yeah yeah, Ive dated several good looking people, pero wala eh....wala sila nung ganung look...

Sya lang din yung tao na naisama o sa lahat ng plans ko... how many kids shall we have, what will be their names, (Gusto nya Namibia yung name nung girl namin .. hehehe), even yung masters bedroom, yung sala ng house, alam na namin kung papaano gagawin.

Sya lang yung tao nakayang tumabi sa akin for several hours doing nothing, nakasandal lang sa akin, nakahawak sa hands ko, naka-hug or whatever.

Sya yung reason second to God of course, why nagsimba ulit ako.

Sya yung immediate answer ko when people ask me what I'm thinking about.

Teka muna, hanggang 8:30 lang ako dito eh...alam mo, mauubos ang oras ko dito sayo if I were to tell you the many reasons bakit mahal na mahal ko ang asawa ko. Alam mo na yun eh... every Sunday after church, sinasabi ko sayo di ba?

... I keep telling myself I cant force you to love me back, but I cant force myself to stop loving you either ......

So ngayon alam mo na why I have been crying for one week? Last Sunday lang you saw me jogging here crying. The entire week, I spent my days at work crying...Officemates lang siguro ang nakakaalam how bad my heart is broken.

I mean common Harbor Square, we're OK na eh. we made plans for the holy week. Wala naman kaso yun if kasama nya family nya at na-cancel yung mga plans namin. Kaya ko naman mag-isa eh. Besides napakabait ng mga friends nya (lalo na si Louie) to offer to keep me company. (Though I declined, sorry Louie). Pero iba pala dating sa kanya nun.

Last saturday morning till about early evening we were ok. I was trying to address why sad sya and it turned out bigla ko na lang nalaman, I am the reason why sad sya. There were a lot of issues na binato nya sa akin that I tried to explain but ayaw nya ako pakinggan until finally, sabi nya, gusto nya mag-isa. Akala ko naman.. time-out lang....until this Wednesday I confirmed, ayaw na nya sa akin for a lot of reasons I still dont understand.

... I wll never be good enough for you, at least I tried ......

Nagmakaawa ako for the first time in my life. Lahat ng klaseng pagmamakaawa ginawa ko wag lang sya umalis, wag lang nya ako iwan.But it didnt work. It was fixed that I should be alone so I can do what I want daw, so I can be a better person, na kailangan daw muna nya ayusin a lot of things and magagawa lang nya yun if alone sya, a lot of things Harbor Square....The worst part was, asking me to let go. Gumuho ang mundo ko....hindi ko kayang i-reconcile yung sinabi nyang nag-stay sya for the wrong reasons and its just now that realization dawned that its unfair daw to me... whaaat? Ano ba kailangan ko gawin? ayaw nya akong kausapin in person, ayaw nya ako tawagan basta na lang nagtext sya to let go...Alam mo ba kung gaano kasakit yun Harbor Square? The one person whom you least expect to do this to you cant even talk to you personally? Its like giving me a passport not to save the relationship! But I tried... and I failed.

... You will never know how much I love you, and how bad you broke my heart ......

Bakit masama ang loob ko? Bakit ako bitter? Bakit ako devastated? Because I gave it my all. Sabi ko naman sa kanya and alam nya what I had to give up to be in this relationship. Not that I am taking into account alot of things.. ang sa akin lang...I fought for this relationship for two years and just for these reasons, iniwan nya ako? Leaving me isnt gonna change anything.. it will just make it worse.I have managed to survice this long because andyan sya. I am a better person and I always strive to be a better person because andyan sya.Pero ano naman gagawin ko kung ayaw na nya sa akin?

... Let's just be friends, turn around and say OK, but this broken heart gets worse everyday ......

Not a day has passed na hindi ko sya na-miss. I look everywhere I see images nung mukha nya, the things that we did here, and there... Arrrrggghhh! This is crazy. I cant even bear to just sit here and think about missing everything. Sure, I said, I wil let you go, pero hindi naman ako katanga to think that it will be that easy. I try to tell myself its gonna e ok, so bakit andito na naman ako Harbor Square kung ok ako?

... Never break the heart that loves you ......

You think i'm silly don't you. Look Harbor Square, I'm still wearing my ring.. it wont come off. I guess, what I'm trying to say is.... this all that's left of what we had. I'm trying to retrace our steps everyday, and I'm slowly trying to get used to go to the places where we have been... alone.. Time doesnt heal old wounds, it merely blurs the memory and softens the pain. But I guess in my case, I gave my heart away, I wasnt able to get it back. I dont regret breaking the hearts of other people who wanted me to be with them, because I had to save my relationship, I had to be in love with and only with the same person.. sya at sya lang. In the end.. the same person broke my heart, and yet mahal na mahal ko pa rin sya even with the small fragments of my broken heart.

... If you can't get someone out of your head, maybe they are meant to be there......

Naiisip ko pa rin sya every day. From simple thoughts like...Nasa school na kaya sya? Nagbreakfast nakaya sya? Sino na naman kayang gago yung sumira sa araw nya? Na-stress kaya sya ngayon with the kids? Nakatulog na naman kaya sya kaya lumagpas ng SM? Naiwan na naman kaya nya towel nya? Nawala na naman kaya wallet nya? Maling pair of shoes na naman kaya dala nya? Tapos nakaya sya mag-gym? Ano kaya gusto nya kainin mamaya? Nakauwi na kaya sya?

It gets worse...Umiiyak kaya sya katulad ko? Mahal kaya talaga nya ako? Bakit nya ako iniwan kung mahal nya ako? Babalik pa kaya sya? Paano na ako kung di na sya bumalik? Maalala kaya nya 2nd year anniversary namin? Nasaan kaya sya ngayon? Wala kaya syang ibang kasama? May mahal na kaya syang iba?

... I fell for you, you didnt for me......

Then I thought about one thing... Kung mahal mo naman talaga ako hindi mo ako iniwan. Kung mahal mo ako kaya mo tiisin kahit mahirap knowing that hindi naman kita pababayaan. Kung mahal mo ako, hindi ka na lang basta biglang sumuko and you left, sabi ko naman sayo, asawa kita, magtulungan tayo. Kung mahal mo ako, you would have the courtesy of showing your face at sabihin mo sa kin ng derecho na hindi mo na ako mahal or merong iba or merong ibang reason pa kung bakit wala na tayo.Kung mahal mo ako, you could have broken up with me properly and not thru text messaging. Kung mahal mo ako.... kung mahal mo lang naman talaga ako.... bakit mo ginawa sa akin to?

... I quit pretending that you love me.....

Harbor Square, I need to take care of myself now. It is tough being alone. But being alone is better than pretending.

Mahal pa kaya nya ako, di ko alam. Babalik pa kaya sya, di ko alam. Meron na kaya syang ibang mahal, di ko alam. Maaalala kaya nya 2nd year anniversary namin, di ko alam. Basta ang alam ko.... ako itong iniwan. Ako itong mag-isa, at ako itong nagmakaawa na mahalin nya.

At dito ako ngayon sa harap mo...

So pwede na ba akong umupo dyan sa isang tabi at umiyak? Promise, last na to.

A Loveletter - Rephrasing Elizabeth Barret Browning

Dear You,

You may be too wrapped up trying to untangle yourself from a personal mess
but that doesn't mean i stopped caring...or my affection has subsided.

How do i care for thee?

I started caring for you at the most inconvenient of places - a website.
Intrigued by your old description and the overflowing honesty..and witty bitchiness.. I initiated a conversation.

I continued caring over message exchanges in the site.... which has progressed to phone conversations--a sweet precursor of dreams, a warmth that awakens me in the morning.

i haven't stopped caring...

i started caring for you at the most unholy hours when despite the tiredness we manage to share a hearty laugh;

I started caring when you spill out your dreams and aspirations.... when you traipse the fond lines of being amusingly silly to being downright romantic;

I started caring for you when you do a charming self-deprecating stance; do voices....and by simply being present at the end of the line...

I started caring when looking out of the window... a breeze touches my cheeks and i know the same wisp of air touches yours

I started caring when i try to ponder on the infinity of the stars and i know you are out their somewhere blanketed by the same evening sky, the same parade of constellations;

I started caring when i take late night walks because it is as comfortable and refreshing as the sound of your cheerful chirps on my cellphone; i started caring when my sms register flashes your name on the screen and i know for a fact it's a manifestation of emotional honesty waiting to be opened, read and cherished.

There are many ways to express how and when i started caring for you.... and i'm not even halfway there. everyday i discover new ways.

I care for your... to put it simply if the previous lines fail to drive the point.

BUT, i guess, as things turned out, i, from now on, will not have a company in my journey, no one to walk beside me,

Our laughter tearing will not shred indifferent silences, our steps, unhurried, will not reach anywhere.

Our arms will not be anchored on each other's shoulders. and we will no longer be to able share the calmness of the day, a smile on our faces, bright as that of a child, crisp as the prisms of the ocean's tides.

I am fallen....

I will forever cherish you....

Take care dear... keep smiling...

Love,

Me

Broken

The lights along West Avenue seemed darker tonight - the same lights which used to guide me to you. They have never failed me. The path towards SM seemed a bit narrower, a bit longer, a bit rough - the same path I take everyday for nearly two years to be with you. Even the breeze that comforts the same journey to you burns my skin.. dries my tears. This must be purgatory.

Over the makeshift pedestrian bridge are faces full of joy. But I could not recognize their smiles. Even the cheerful vendors who never seem to tire appear to have lost their strength. The bridge is shaky as if it were going to collapse and bury us all in chunks of debris. Hell approaches near.

By the time I took the first step down, I could not move. My legs have failed me for the first time as if they were clad with balls of iron, immobilizing each and every tendon. I dragged both feet down the stairs and froze. More people with blank faces greet me. The usual short walk to the gates of hell seemed farther and farther and farther. Until finally... Hell.

Two demons greeted me at the entrance. While they were being friendly, they poked their tridents into every fabric of my soul. They kept on poking and probing till they were satisfied and they let me thru. But that was just the entrance.

Every single step I took burned my toes.., my feet, even my flesh. This was not what it used to be. The billboards on the walls are all gone. The white vinyl of the same walls are now covered with black tar, lava now flows where the escalators used to be and fire engulfs the narrow halls. I was alone.

I am alone......


The lights of West Avenue used to flicker to the beat of my heart. The road meets my feet and the wind pushes my back as if telling me to hurry. The breeze caresses my face and whispers to me " tart is waiting"...

Joyful people with big grins on their faces greet me as I hurry up the makeshift steps. The pedestrian bridge, no matter how shaky, provided the safety of a mother caring for her children, as I and everybody else hurry down to the steps.

The steps seemed to be oiled, making every stride quick and effortless as I glide thru incoming groups of friendly faces... SM finally...

The guards are friendlier than usual, billboards and posters everywhere, and the white vinyl wall that soothes every tired shopper. The escalators seemed to be guiding me down, the floors again eager to meet my feet as i glide thru that path to you. My comfort for the past years...

We were always together...

You have never ceased looking at me like you have seen me for the first time in those two years. You have always embraced me no matter how worn out you were and you never ceased to look at me with amazement like as if I was the only thing that mattered, I was the only person you see despite the crowd around us.

As I tried to look at you and touch you.., your skin hardens..., you turn paler and paler and then gray... and as I try to hold your hand and pull you towards me... you turn to dust.... The wind blows your debris in all directions..... and I realize... I am back into the same fiery pit...

I was alone..... I'll always be alone....

Requiem

I cant bring myself to even finish putting my thoughts into paper, nor my thoughts into words. I feel like I am about to crash and enter entropy. I am dying.... A few more days, I'd either slit my wrists, get into an overdose and no one will even notice I am gone. No one will care.

As I come to terms with my own mortality, I see faces of people I don't even remember anymore, or perhaps, these were the same people I tried to forget. They're all mocking me.... all laughing at me .... but I don't have the strength to argue nor do I have the will to explain.

I see your face again...... only your face......

By this time, you ought to be fading away from my thoughts... you ought to have stopped haunting me in my dreams.... But no. I see your face even with my waking eye. What have you done to me....

I can only hope that by the time I catch my last breath.. your face escapes my thoughts, but try as I may, every time I go weaker and weaker, you end up mocking me again. How could you......

Yes how could you ........?

.... fall apart and leave me with broken pieces of us --- broken dreams, broken promises, broken hearts. How do you expect me to put these pieces back together... I'm missing a piece here, another one there... Arrrrgh.....

.... smile at me pretending everything is ok when you can just simply grab my heart and crush it before me.... I have always been weak for you, you could have just killed me....

.... say that you want to be with me when you can leave me and push me away. I begged for you to love me... but you kept on pushing me back.. pushing and pushing, harder each time.... until I finally find myself alone.... now where are you....?

.... tell me you love me every night, every moment .... when you never meant it.... Your words escape you.... I don't mean anything at all ..... I am just a burden that you try to get by with, the unhappiness that you survive each day...... I was never someone you loved....

Can't you stop being mad for once and listen to me? I try so hard to explain .... but you keep pushing me back... I tried to tell you you misunderstood... but you're always right... I tried...... but you don't seem to listen...you don't care... NOT ANYMORE. You're too busy not to care and you didn't even hear a word I said. You don't care?

I do not take account of the things I have lost, family who have abandoned me, because there was you..... and you don't care? I didn't realize that two years was too short to not care at all..... Still, I can't even tell the world what I am feeling right now.


You're gone.......


Gone .....

.... where the waves of the see no longer greet me when I say hello.

---- where the paths we have once taken have become twisted in circles

---- where the roars of our laughter are deafened by the silence of pain

---- where all dreams forged on sandy shores are washed away by the mad tides of change

.... where the sun sets to an eternity of darkness

.... where there is no us...., but just me, and the broken pieces that lay before me


You're really gone.....


I'll see you soon.......

.... where the waves meet us each time we say hello

.... where the paths we take lead us both home

.... where the roars of our laughter echo in our souls

..... where the dreams we forged on sandy shores are strengthened by our children

..... where there is us, and there is only love....


But for now... let me die in peace.