Hanggang Dito na Lang Ako

Trenta na ako. Hindi na ako bata at sa susunod na mga taon, mawawala na ako sa kalendaryo. Ilang araw na rin akong gumigising na masama ang loob, galit at umiiyak na naman na akala ko hindi ko na gagawin. Matagal-tagal ko na rin na hindi naramdaman ang galit at lungkot, pero aaminin ko lahat ng mga damdaming pilit ko nang ibinaon nang matagal na nagsipag-usbungan ulit. Hindi ko alam bakit. Malamang napakaaga pa para kamutin yung peklat ng mga sugat na kahihilom lang. Hindi dapat minamadali ang paghilom.

Ngunit sa bawat umaga na gumigisig ka na umiiyak, sa bawat gabing hindi ka makatulog sa pag-iisip o sa bawat pagkakataon na hindi ka makakain, doon mo napapatunayan sa sarili mo na kailangan mo ring mabuhay hindi para sa kung sino man, kungdi para sa sarili mo. Hindi rin ganun kadali na baguhin ang mga bagay na nakagisnan mo na at sa isang iglap maging perpektong tao na hindi na marunong umiyak at masaktan. Alam ko, marami sa inyo, hindi nyo ako maiintindihan.

Sa maikling panahon na tumigil ako ng kakaiyak, maraming magagandang bagay ang inihain sa akin — mabubuting kaibigan, pagkakataon para gawin ang mga bagay na hindi ko pa nagagawa, at makilala ang taong mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal ako… at mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal ko rin. At sa ilang araw na ito na muli na naman akong umiiyak, ewan ko kung bakit mahal na mahal pa rin nya ako, kahit alam kong nagseselos na sya. At kahapon, wala lang akong nasabi kungdi ang hilingin sa kanya na wag nya akong iiwan.

Oo, sa tanda kong ito pwede mo na akong ipagtayo ng rebulto. Kung may lugar lang ba sa Binondo o sa Luneta bakit hindi? Nakaktuwa din naman ano? Lagi na lang ako itong naiiwanan, lagi na lang ako itong nasasaktan sa kabila ng walang katapusang pangako ng mga taong minahal kona hindi nila ako iiwan. Ayoko na rin isipin na hindi sila mabubuting tao o nagsinungaling sila o hindi talaga nila ako minahal. Siguro naman, kahit papaano minahal din nila ako kahit na iniwannila ako sa kung ano mang dahilan … kahit na hindi ko pa alam.

Ang blog na ito, ito siguro ang saksi sa mga gabing hindi ako makatulog … sa dalawang araw na gising ako nang walang tulog at sa walang tigil kong pag-iyak sa lahat ng pagkakataong nasasaktan ako at iniiwan. Marami pa akong ibang blog hindi lang ito, patunay lang siguro na kahit ganito ako ka maldito, kailangan ko lang ng kausap. Ganun naman ako eh, nakakapagsulat lang ako kapag nasasaktan at nalulungkot kasi ayokong kinakaawaan ako ng mga kaibigan ko. Marahil sa pagkakataong ito, ganun lang talaga ako nasaktan, ganun lang talaga ako nagalit. Pero tama na.

Nakakatuwa din naman ano ….. pinagtago na naman kami ng taong di ko kinakausap at hindi ako kinakausap sa isang lugar kung saan nagsimula ang lahat. At ang mas nakakatuwang bahagi ng dalawang araw na yon, alam naming nandoon kami sa iisang lugar pero hindi pa rin kami nag-usap. Pagpasensyahan mo na kung hindi maayos ang pagkakabati ko sayo ha? Hindi ko alam kung papaano kita babatiin o kakausapin. Pero mabuti na rinyung ganun. Hayaan mo na kung ano man yung kailangan mo pang ipaliwanag.. wala na yun. Tapos na yun. Para namang di tayo magkaibigan.

Pero aaminin ko sayo, nung birthday ko, buong umaga lang akong nakaupo doon sa dalampasigan kung saan tayo palagi nakaupo at nangangarap. Hindi ka dumating. Hindi ko rin inaasahan. Marahil, hudyat na rin ito para doon tapusin ang lahat. Wala na akong sama ng loob sayo, hindi na rin ako galit.

At sa taong mahal na mahal ako ….. salamat. Salamat dahil hindi mo ako iniwan. Salamat dahil kahit wala man tayong ganung yaman, magkasama tayo. Salamat dahil kahit sa simpleng pagkain na pinagsasaluhan natin minahal mo pa rin ako. Salamat dahil kahit ang kukulit natin hindi tayo nag-aaway at hindi natatapos ang araw na hindi tayo nagkakabati. Salamat dahil nakikinig ka sa akin at ako din naman sayo. Salamat dahil nakilala ko pamilya mo at tanggap nila ako. Salamat dahil kahit nagseselos ka sa kanya mahal mo pa rin ako at hindi ka nauubusan ng pagmamahal. Salamat dahil gusto mo akong pakasalan (hahaha paano kaya yun?Las Vegas ba pwede?) At salamat dahil nandyan ka lang.

Dito na muna magtatapos itong blog na ito.

Hanggang dito na lang ako…… Masaya na ulit ako……….

MIGRAINE
By: Moonstar88

Oo nga pala, hindi nga pala tayo
Hanggang dito lang ako, nangangarap na mapa-sayo
Hindi sinasadya
Na hanapin pa ang lugar ko
Asan nga ba ako? Andiyan pa ba sa iyo?

Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Aasa ba ko sayo?

Nasusuka ako, kinakain na ang loob
Masakit na mga tuhod, kailangan bang lumuhod?
Gusto ko lang naman, yung totoo
Hindi po ang sagot, hindi rin isang tanong

Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Asan ba ko sayo?
Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Aasa ba ko sayo?

Dahil, di na makatulog (makatulog)
Dahil di na makakain (makakain)
Dahil di na makatawa (makatawa)
Dahil, di na

Oo nga pala, hindi nga pala tayo
Hanggang dito na lang ako

Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Asan ba ko sayo?
Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Aasa ba ko sayo?
Nahihilo… Nahihilo…
Nalilito…

Awakening

Today , the rest of my life begins…

Looking back on the year that was, I have realized that there is still more room to improve and be good at being a human being. Unfortunately,I don’t classify myself as one.

I decided that I want to accomplish the following:

A) Graduate with flying colors from law school, land a spot at the Bar exams.
B) Travel travel travel
C) Start writing again
D) Go home more often and spend more time with my parents
E) Spend more time with my sister on weekends
F) Find more time to be with the one I love
G) Learn how to sail, enroll in sailing lessons at Manila Yacht Club
H) Learn how to cook
I) Maximize the use of my Sun Cellular account
J) Find more time to play with my girls Gucci and Sleepy
K) Run more laps on weekends
L) Eat healthier foods
M) Slim down to a size 28 (again)
N) Sleep before 11 pm
O) Take care of my hair
P) Invest in clothes

I have also realized and have come to terms with the following flaws:

A) I have poor taste in partners
B) The average realistic number of releases in a span of 12 hours is three.
C) My natural hair color is dark brown
D) I dont take crap from anyone
E) I refuse to smile just for the sake of politeness
F) I go for extreme diets
G) I can be single and not care.
H) I don’t forgive easily.
I) I can be the next Hitler
J) I expect the people who have wronged me to suffer, if not, I make them suffer

I wish I could stay the same naive, sweet, caring gentleman but no. Sometimes, certain events in ones life cause them to become monsters. I grew fangs and claws in a month. I refuse to care anymore.

Perhaps I am a symptom of the times to come, or a victim of circumstances, but I blame no one. I am going to prevail.

Copyright Ritche F. Baria May 11, 2008

Peter Pan is an asshole dressed in Red body hugging Missoni, an ass friendly pair of board shorts and walking barefoot on the shores of Galera. Today, he turns 30.

I never planned of celebrating my birthday here, I had my my mind set on celebrating elsewhere but ever since I became single, I have always welcomed surprises. As I look back, I realized I ended up doing things I never thought I never liked before:
A) Sailing
B) Jogging with the common tao at CCP on weekends
C) Sitting comfortably resting my head on a trusty lamp post at harbor square on Sunday mornings with people just passing me by
D) Wearing eyeglasses again (I love my glasses, thank you Executive Optical)
E) Eating and eating and eating ( I’m still a size 30 huh!)
F) Marathons (grin… I had 3 good ones yesterday, hell the best actually… grin)
G) Exploring more positions…. (hahaha more grin)
H) Being humble (in a maldito kind of way)
I) Blogging
J) and more . . . .

I have also gained wisdom on love and relationships I’d like to share with you:

A) Never ever abandon your family for love (its suicide!)
B) Never fall in love with people who cant even spend time with their families. How can you expect them to love you?
C) Never ever fall in love with anyone whom you have sex with but never dated
D) In case your partner fails to address your sexual needs, chances are your partner is addressing someone else’s needs, bail out ASAP!
E) I love you can be equated to “I feel like shitting, where’s the CR?”
F) Never fall in love with a drama queen
G) Do your homework… consult your partner’s exs
H) The phrase “Its not you, but the problem is with me” means I found someone else.
I) When you give up your inheritance for someone, make sure you have a fucking solid trust fund
J) When you fall in love with someone more vain than you, expect a headache
K) When your partner makes sure that you get home safe and sound, its usually a cue for them to start prowling (and they usually do).
L) Never have sex with your ex’s friend
M) Never fall in love with anyone who leave their BFs for you (what makes you think they will not leave you aber?)
N) Never have sex with your ex
O) Never date a showbiz personality (double warning if you’re vain)
P) and more. . . . .

When in Galera, I usually go for the sunset but unfortunately, there was none today so we decided to just head to our room and get dressed for dinner. Had dinner at Fernando’s (disappointing) but unfortunately it rained so we had to stay indoors. Had a good laugh and enjoyed swimming earlier today anyway. More strolls on the beach late night and when 12am came, my phone became a hotline again with birthday greetings.

Who would have thought I’d still have cake and a candle to blow? Bubu did. But then again Bubu is full of surprises. A dougnut with icing and a candle voila, birthday cake!

I am now officially 30. Let me take this opportunity to thank the following:



MY FAMILY
I know I have given up on you and despite knowing how fucked up I am you still manage to care. I love you.

BUBU
Thank you for making me smile, for making me believe in love, for bringing back my mojo (grin), for being so sensitive and kind, and for always being there beside me even if were not doing anything.

TSONG
Thank you for taking care of me and for always making sure that I have a healthy meal when I get home from work.

MIKE
Your wisdom amazes me. I hope to become like you one day. I hope to go sailing with you again soon. Thank you for never giving up on me.

ATE LIEZEL

Your kindness overwhelms me. You have never left my side during the times that I was so devastated and you continue to teach me to become a better person. I hope God repays you for the kindness you have shown to me.

LOLA BOMBSHELL
Thank you for never getting tired of listening to my rants. Always remember, were hot and they’re not! Mamatay na silang lahat!

RAMIL
Hey dad! See first name basis na tayo! Thanks for finding time to be a good father despite the odds… and despite the fact that youre always halfway all over the world. See yah when you get back from India.

JOEL
Nasaan na ang Green curry ko? I’ll see you soon.

JEFFIE CUE
Kapatid! I know youre always on my side kaya nga love ka ni kuya.

CARLO P.

Utoy thanks to you and Grace. More blessings!

CARLO S.
Hey kiddo. I wish I could always be that perfect role model you look up to, but I’m not…but thanks…..

LOUIE

My sweet BFF! My lips are sealed……………..

GIBO
Kahit busy ka sa lovelife mo, friends pa rin tayo. Thanks for always being there.

RON
Mabait ako ngayon …. kaya pagbibigyan kita kahit nakalimutan mo birthday ko! I miss driving around with you. See yah soon.

RUEL
Busy busyhan ka dyan! Usap tayo minsan. We still have to bring Pepe ad Pretzel for a stroll remember?

BONG

Kapatid…. Thanks for giving me reason to use my Sun phone hahahaha. Seriously, the good advices helped a lot. Thanks

DWIGHT
My dear Armand….. you have never failed to help me make sense of how fucked up my life is, and your Lestat thanks you.

MARK AND JAY
Mga kapatid…. thanks for lending me your ears. I know nakakairita na ako minsan but you always listen.

ALLAN B.
Hi Bunso… Dalawin mo si kuya if you have time ha?

ALLAN A., AGNES, TOTS, TINA, GERALD, JEFF, RUSSEL, JO, EHM, AL
Hoy nasaan na kayo? Videoke ulit kila Agnes?

ERWIN C.
Hey Cifra. I bet youre back in NZ now or halfway to the US. I can never fill in your shoes for being such a bitch but I thank you for the good times even for the bad ones. Stay happy.

TED Z.

Mabuhay ang mga single for they are the hottest creatures on earth!

CARLO LUIS G.
Hi Boss. Thanks for your friendship. I wouldn’t have survived a lot of crap if not for you. Thank you for teaching me to have faith in GOD again (see, I never missed church since that day we heard mass in Baguio). See you around.

A Chapter Closes.... A Story Begins

I didn't realize that it will take me this soon to set foot here. I've always told myself that I wanted to keep Galera's memories same as the day I first set foot in there two years ago. But I guess, fate just sometimes plays tricks on you and you find yourself in circles, retracing your steps and seeing old and familiar faces.

I guess it's about time a chapter in my life closes. After all, that chapter began here, the story progressed with Galera as part and parcel of it and its just fitting that all characters die and the story ends here. And again... fate just had to play with me and all the characters involved. Was it a ploy to start a new chapter? Deus ex machina for the lead character? Or was it just plain bullshit.

Yes... I met the antagonist today (my ex). I dunno how.... I dunno why. But I guess sometimes, you just have to have faith in fate and believe that she knows what the fuck she's doing. Well I don't. Put it this way... what do you say to someone you spent two years of your life with, disappeared without a trace and didn't even bother to explain face to face why. Do you seriously expect me to believe that if the person initiates a conversation, it is out of kindness? That would be fucking twisted.

But I guess my parents raised me well and so I replied with a cordial nod when I heard my name. I think that was fair enough considering what was done to me. And I so remembered one of my ex's texts.... " Rich, I don't care anymore", date and time stamped March 22, 2008, 10:51 pm. ( Oh yes, I kept each and every text to remind me not to be played like this ever again). So why the hell should I care?

But I remembered... my ex and I talked about beig friends and I promised my ex we will be friends... I dunno how its gonna work. But I am a man of my word. But I believe for friendships to work, both parties have to have a conscious effort of making it work. I never saw any...... and I wasn't the one who left so.. go figure....

Its just that how can you take the word of someone who can't even have the courtesy of showing face? Again... faith ....... a little faith ....... If we were meant to be friends, we will be friends. On my part...., I have given the person all the time to talk to me for over a month, lets say even today.... but nada.... so do the math.

I took time to just sit at Jurassic today early 6am till about 9am just to throw back and cast to the sea all images of places, people and events in my mind. I dont want any of it anymore. Its taking up space and I have to make room for new memories.

So how does this story end? We both walk away in opposite directions and we never look back. We are both happy with the choices we made, we stand by the choices we made, we both have moved on from what has been ---- a pretend whirlwind love affair that never was. Just a big overplayed, over extended LIE.

The End.

THE DAY YOU WENT AWAY
by: Wendy Matthews

Hey, does it ever make you wonder what’s on my mind
I, I was only ever running to your side
I never cried, I just watched my life go by
It’s just a pack of lies,
’cause you’re leaving me behind
Why, after this long is there nothing
I’ll keep, oh, I can shout
you’ll pretend you’re falling asleep
I live a lie, yeah, believing that you’re mine
It’s just a waste of time
’cause you’re leaving me behind

Hey, there’s not a cloud in the sky
It’s as blue as your goodbye
and I thought it would rain
on a day like today
Hey, there’s not a cloud in sight
it’s as blue as your blue goodbye
and I thought it would rain
the day you went away

Hey, does it ever make you wonder what’s on my mind
I was only ever running back to your side
Hey, there’s not a cloud in the sky
it’s as blue as your goodbye
and I thought it would rain
on a day like today

Hey, there’s not a cloud in sight
it’s as blue as your blue goodbey
and I thought it would rain
the day you went away

He’s on the buses, and the aeroplanes
with some groceries and a sleeping bag

Nostalgia is a Piece of Crap

My mobile was ringing off the hook today receiving calls from my bosses and text messages but there was one particular annoying instance that my phone had to vibrate endlessly and give out a high pitched alarm to remind me of something. Now what could be that life changing event that I had to remind myself of? I picked up my phone just to check what it is and to my dismay, the screen flashes ..."ANNIVERSARY"..... Oh yeah I forgot to update my calendar.Actually the supposed "anniversary" is tomorrow but at that time I entered the reminder into my calendar, I thought I'd plan ahead. Wrooonnngggg!

Now, I'm finding several things Ive never thought I have kept like the floral patterned paper which wrapped the flowers I got from last year, Libby the Lobster (who I thought was already suffocating from being inside my drawer for more than a month now) and other stuff. But what do these things mean anyway? Nothing really.... just memories of a makeshift past. Do I wanna go to Starbucks West Avenue tomorrow and hang-out for a while to close this cycle? I dunno. Sounds like a chore.

After tomorrow, May 08 will lose its significance. It will just be one of the numbers you mark on a calendar to signify that the day has passed. No more cake, no more flowers, no more Happy Anniversary card, no more Starbucks West Avenue.

Its time to stop caring, after all, it was just all pretend and bullshit.

Four-eyed Hottie

Its official. My opthalmologist told me today I can’t wear contacts for a while so I spent the rest of the evening looking for the perfect eyeglasses, and I did.Now, all I have to do is to find something to tame my wild mane and I’ll be off reporting to my Bubu for comments. (Gusto daw nya naka-eye glasses ako and if inevitable, to wear clear contacts so kita nya my eyes … not a very tall order I guess, but of course its really up to me) Now I’m curious how my little Bubu will react . .

Happy birthday to me. I am losing my eyesight!