The lights along West Avenue seemed darker tonight - the same lights which used to guide me to you. They have never failed me. The path towards SM seemed a bit narrower, a bit longer, a bit rough - the same path I take everyday for nearly two years to be with you. Even the breeze that comforts the same journey to you burns my skin.. dries my tears. This must be purgatory.
Over the makeshift pedestrian bridge are faces full of joy. But I could not recognize their smiles. Even the cheerful vendors who never seem to tire appear to have lost their strength. The bridge is shaky as if it were going to collapse and bury us all in chunks of debris. Hell approaches near.
By the time I took the first step down, I could not move. My legs have failed me for the first time as if they were clad with balls of iron, immobilizing each and every tendon. I dragged both feet down the stairs and froze. More people with blank faces greet me. The usual short walk to the gates of hell seemed farther and farther and farther. Until finally... Hell.
Two demons greeted me at the entrance. While they were being friendly, they poked their tridents into every fabric of my soul. They kept on poking and probing till they were satisfied and they let me thru. But that was just the entrance.
Every single step I took burned my toes.., my feet, even my flesh. This was not what it used to be. The billboards on the walls are all gone. The white vinyl of the same walls are now covered with black tar, lava now flows where the escalators used to be and fire engulfs the narrow halls. I was alone.
I am alone......
The lights of West Avenue used to flicker to the beat of my heart. The road meets my feet and the wind pushes my back as if telling me to hurry. The breeze caresses my face and whispers to me " tart is waiting"...
Joyful people with big grins on their faces greet me as I hurry up the makeshift steps. The pedestrian bridge, no matter how shaky, provided the safety of a mother caring for her children, as I and everybody else hurry down to the steps.
The steps seemed to be oiled, making every stride quick and effortless as I glide thru incoming groups of friendly faces... SM finally...
The guards are friendlier than usual, billboards and posters everywhere, and the white vinyl wall that soothes every tired shopper. The escalators seemed to be guiding me down, the floors again eager to meet my feet as i glide thru that path to you. My comfort for the past years...
We were always together...
You have never ceased looking at me like you have seen me for the first time in those two years. You have always embraced me no matter how worn out you were and you never ceased to look at me with amazement like as if I was the only thing that mattered, I was the only person you see despite the crowd around us.
As I tried to look at you and touch you.., your skin hardens..., you turn paler and paler and then gray... and as I try to hold your hand and pull you towards me... you turn to dust.... The wind blows your debris in all directions..... and I realize... I am back into the same fiery pit...
I was alone..... I'll always be alone....
28 March 2008
27 March 2008
Requiem
I cant bring myself to even finish putting my thoughts into paper, nor my thoughts into words. I feel like I am about to crash and enter entropy. I am dying.... A few more days, I'd either slit my wrists, get into an overdose and no one will even notice I am gone. No one will care.
As I come to terms with my own mortality, I see faces of people I don't even remember anymore, or perhaps, these were the same people I tried to forget. They're all mocking me.... all laughing at me .... but I don't have the strength to argue nor do I have the will to explain.
I see your face again...... only your face......
By this time, you ought to be fading away from my thoughts... you ought to have stopped haunting me in my dreams.... But no. I see your face even with my waking eye. What have you done to me....
I can only hope that by the time I catch my last breath.. your face escapes my thoughts, but try as I may, every time I go weaker and weaker, you end up mocking me again. How could you......
Yes how could you ........?
.... fall apart and leave me with broken pieces of us --- broken dreams, broken promises, broken hearts. How do you expect me to put these pieces back together... I'm missing a piece here, another one there... Arrrrgh.....
.... smile at me pretending everything is ok when you can just simply grab my heart and crush it before me.... I have always been weak for you, you could have just killed me....
.... say that you want to be with me when you can leave me and push me away. I begged for you to love me... but you kept on pushing me back.. pushing and pushing, harder each time.... until I finally find myself alone.... now where are you....?
.... tell me you love me every night, every moment .... when you never meant it.... Your words escape you.... I don't mean anything at all ..... I am just a burden that you try to get by with, the unhappiness that you survive each day...... I was never someone you loved....
Can't you stop being mad for once and listen to me? I try so hard to explain .... but you keep pushing me back... I tried to tell you you misunderstood... but you're always right... I tried...... but you don't seem to listen...you don't care... NOT ANYMORE. You're too busy not to care and you didn't even hear a word I said. You don't care?
I do not take account of the things I have lost, family who have abandoned me, because there was you..... and you don't care? I didn't realize that two years was too short to not care at all..... Still, I can't even tell the world what I am feeling right now.
You're gone.......
Gone .....
.... where the waves of the see no longer greet me when I say hello.
---- where the paths we have once taken have become twisted in circles
---- where the roars of our laughter are deafened by the silence of pain
---- where all dreams forged on sandy shores are washed away by the mad tides of change
.... where the sun sets to an eternity of darkness
.... where there is no us...., but just me, and the broken pieces that lay before me
You're really gone.....
I'll see you soon.......
.... where the waves meet us each time we say hello
.... where the paths we take lead us both home
.... where the roars of our laughter echo in our souls
..... where the dreams we forged on sandy shores are strengthened by our children
..... where there is us, and there is only love....
But for now... let me die in peace.
As I come to terms with my own mortality, I see faces of people I don't even remember anymore, or perhaps, these were the same people I tried to forget. They're all mocking me.... all laughing at me .... but I don't have the strength to argue nor do I have the will to explain.
I see your face again...... only your face......
By this time, you ought to be fading away from my thoughts... you ought to have stopped haunting me in my dreams.... But no. I see your face even with my waking eye. What have you done to me....
I can only hope that by the time I catch my last breath.. your face escapes my thoughts, but try as I may, every time I go weaker and weaker, you end up mocking me again. How could you......
Yes how could you ........?
.... fall apart and leave me with broken pieces of us --- broken dreams, broken promises, broken hearts. How do you expect me to put these pieces back together... I'm missing a piece here, another one there... Arrrrgh.....
.... smile at me pretending everything is ok when you can just simply grab my heart and crush it before me.... I have always been weak for you, you could have just killed me....
.... say that you want to be with me when you can leave me and push me away. I begged for you to love me... but you kept on pushing me back.. pushing and pushing, harder each time.... until I finally find myself alone.... now where are you....?
.... tell me you love me every night, every moment .... when you never meant it.... Your words escape you.... I don't mean anything at all ..... I am just a burden that you try to get by with, the unhappiness that you survive each day...... I was never someone you loved....
Can't you stop being mad for once and listen to me? I try so hard to explain .... but you keep pushing me back... I tried to tell you you misunderstood... but you're always right... I tried...... but you don't seem to listen...you don't care... NOT ANYMORE. You're too busy not to care and you didn't even hear a word I said. You don't care?
I do not take account of the things I have lost, family who have abandoned me, because there was you..... and you don't care? I didn't realize that two years was too short to not care at all..... Still, I can't even tell the world what I am feeling right now.
You're gone.......
Gone .....
.... where the waves of the see no longer greet me when I say hello.
---- where the paths we have once taken have become twisted in circles
---- where the roars of our laughter are deafened by the silence of pain
---- where all dreams forged on sandy shores are washed away by the mad tides of change
.... where the sun sets to an eternity of darkness
.... where there is no us...., but just me, and the broken pieces that lay before me
You're really gone.....
I'll see you soon.......
.... where the waves meet us each time we say hello
.... where the paths we take lead us both home
.... where the roars of our laughter echo in our souls
..... where the dreams we forged on sandy shores are strengthened by our children
..... where there is us, and there is only love....
But for now... let me die in peace.
03 July 2006
Rumblings
How frustrated can one get till one decides to give up on love? Is the degree and intensity of giving up on love even directly proportional to the degree or intensity of hoping to find love?
Meet test subject number one (TS1) : Goodlooking, intelligent, fun to be with, stable and hardworking professional and in his early twenties... He doesn't even know it yet, but most above average people would simply go gaga over TS1 (and by above average looking I mean those who are as equally good looking, sucessful, etc. etc...almost perfect individuals in their almost perfect perfect universes). TS1 feels he cant hold on to love, not even find the "right kind of love". So now, he chooses not to love, chooses to close on doors to love. Fact is, he only started to become a willing participant in the game only recently and considering how limited the opportunities there are for men in my age bracket, I'd stay he's got more than seven or eight years advantage over us --- advantage to make mistakes, to fall in and out of love, to grow, to learn, to teach..... Still, TS1 gave up on love. Was it the ex? the could have beens? or my loud mouth telling him that his motto should be "mamamatay silang hindi ka nila natitikman"? (Good one Red, for that you win a prize)
Test subject number two (TS2): is a bombshell in her own right, with the right curves and protruding body parts in their correct and acceptable measurements; funny, witty, you get the picture. TS2 has seen how people would lay her down like a doormat and walk over her, has seen how many men would tear her heart and give it back to her in bits and pieces - how she'd try to glue them back on all together hoping that she'd make herself whole again and available for the next person who'd enter her life and fall in love with her... then the cycle starts all over again.... A litle heartbreak here, a state of autism there and whooppeeethe lady is ready to fall again. While she may constantly be ranting about how old she is, how her skin sags here and there (or how she prays she'd win the lotto to get a nip here, a tuck there..yadadadadada), still here she is, always back on track and loves the game....
Considering the foregoing, is it safe to conclude that the intensity of giving up on love or hoping to fall in love is...
a) not dependent on age
b) not dependent on past or present experiences
c) a choice, not merely a product of a collection of experiences in consideration of item A
d) is inveresely proportional with each other
Hmmm.... why do I even bother......
Meet test subject number one (TS1) : Goodlooking, intelligent, fun to be with, stable and hardworking professional and in his early twenties... He doesn't even know it yet, but most above average people would simply go gaga over TS1 (and by above average looking I mean those who are as equally good looking, sucessful, etc. etc...almost perfect individuals in their almost perfect perfect universes). TS1 feels he cant hold on to love, not even find the "right kind of love". So now, he chooses not to love, chooses to close on doors to love. Fact is, he only started to become a willing participant in the game only recently and considering how limited the opportunities there are for men in my age bracket, I'd stay he's got more than seven or eight years advantage over us --- advantage to make mistakes, to fall in and out of love, to grow, to learn, to teach..... Still, TS1 gave up on love. Was it the ex? the could have beens? or my loud mouth telling him that his motto should be "mamamatay silang hindi ka nila natitikman"? (Good one Red, for that you win a prize)
Test subject number two (TS2): is a bombshell in her own right, with the right curves and protruding body parts in their correct and acceptable measurements; funny, witty, you get the picture. TS2 has seen how people would lay her down like a doormat and walk over her, has seen how many men would tear her heart and give it back to her in bits and pieces - how she'd try to glue them back on all together hoping that she'd make herself whole again and available for the next person who'd enter her life and fall in love with her... then the cycle starts all over again.... A litle heartbreak here, a state of autism there and whooppeeethe lady is ready to fall again. While she may constantly be ranting about how old she is, how her skin sags here and there (or how she prays she'd win the lotto to get a nip here, a tuck there..yadadadadada), still here she is, always back on track and loves the game....
Considering the foregoing, is it safe to conclude that the intensity of giving up on love or hoping to fall in love is...
a) not dependent on age
b) not dependent on past or present experiences
c) a choice, not merely a product of a collection of experiences in consideration of item A
d) is inveresely proportional with each other
Hmmm.... why do I even bother......
05 June 2006
On a Cloudy Sunday Morning
On a cloudy Sunday morning.........
...I held you close to me, felt your heart beating to the rhythm of yout breath, blood rushing to your veins. I was at peace.
...I held your hand firmly, and your hand held my heart for eternity. I am loved.
...I looked into your eyes, and I knew why I am here, right now, a gateway to forever. I saw GOD.
...I kissed your lips, tasted the sweetness of your soul.. I am yours.
...I carved tears on your cheeks...it hurts.... I'm dying.....
...I held you close to me, felt your heart beating to the rhythm of yout breath, blood rushing to your veins. I was at peace.
...I held your hand firmly, and your hand held my heart for eternity. I am loved.
...I looked into your eyes, and I knew why I am here, right now, a gateway to forever. I saw GOD.
...I kissed your lips, tasted the sweetness of your soul.. I am yours.
...I carved tears on your cheeks...it hurts.... I'm dying.....
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