Confessions

Kumusta ka na Harbor Square? Dito na na naman ako.

Oo nga pala, naalala mo si.....? Oo, sya nga yung nakilala mo ilang summers ago. Sya yung kasa-kasama ko dito manood ng sunsets mo, yung last na nakasama ko nung January, yung time na nabasa kami ng ulan? We are not together anymore. Iniwan na nya ako. Mga one week na rin.

...There's always this one person, that no matter what he/she does to hurt you, you can't stop loving 'em......

Alam mo, wag mo akong tanungin what happened. Malabo pa rin sa akin ang lahat pero pilit kong iniintindi. Bakit akala mo ganito lang kadali to? Hindi ah, 2 years kong kasa-kasama araw-araw yun!

..Maybe part of loving is letting go, because I'm still holding on to someone who is never going to come back......

Alam mo, balang araw, when i finally understand bakit sya umalis, sasabihin ko rin sayo. Promise. Basta ang sabi lang nya, mahal daw nya ako but its time for me to let go. Oo, hindi ganun kadali, pero, mahal ko yung tao eh. Wala namang sinabi yun na hindi ko sinunod. Except.....

...between our loud laughs, our long fights, and our moments of silence, I fell more in love with you ......

Except...eto lang nung March 10, nawalan ako ng control at nasaktan ko siya nang husto. Napakaliit na bagay lang yun kung tutuusin, at oo foul yung ginawa, alam ko... nangyari na... Iniwan ko sya sa sobrang sama ng loob ko, sa sobrang sakit ng dibdib ko... pero mali yun. I forgot to consider if nung araw na yun, masama rin yung araw nya or malungkot din sya... Nagalit sya, nasaktan ko sya. pero habang papalayo ako nun, nadudurog din puso ko. Nakita ko syang malungkot....I was very sorry... very very very very sorry. Siguro kung pwede kong ulit-ulitin yung pagsorry ko, gagawin ko ulit, pero wala na....... That was where it started.

... why don't you love me back ......

Bakit ayaw na nya sa akin? Because I failed the one person who loved me. Maliit na bagay lang yun para sa iba, pero big deal yun for me. Hindi ko sya dapat iniwan nun. Kahit na ba, dati nagawa din nya akong iwan, nagawa din nya mag-walk-out sa akin... wala na sa akin yun... Hindi ko pa rin dapat ginawang iwan sya. Kaya nga nung Wednesday after that incident, I was preparing myself na iwan na nya ako, pero alam mo... tinanggap pa rin nya sorry ko. Sabi nya, gusto pa rin nya to be with me..., I asked again if sure sya, oo daw.. I had to be sure, sabi ko, I am impatient, may pagka-OC and I'm a lot of things you dont like, do you want to stay with me? Sabi nya oo... That was enough for me because I was more than willing to stay and make up for what I did. Hinding hindi ko na yun uulitin.... maski na for whatever reason pa.

... why do i care ......

Bakit ganun ko sya kamahal? Gusto mo talaga malaman? Nagbago kasi lahat nung hinawakan nya kamay ko in front of friends for the first time suot-suot yung ring na bigay ko, and ang sabi nya " we are going to be together forever". It was more than enough for me. Sya lang pinakilala ko sa bestfriend ko.

Matagal na tayo magkakilala Harbor Square, pero sabi ko naman sayo dati, ang taong ipapakilala ko lang sayo, ay yung asawa ko, the one I am meant to be with for the rest of my life. For me, sya na yun. Ayoko ng iba... sya lang. Kahit till now, it hasnt changed. Sya pa rin at sya lang.

Sya lang yung tao na makakapigil ng galit ko, ng sama ng loob ko kasi pag tumingin sya sa akin, its always like as if nakita nya ako for the first time.Sa kanya ko lang nakita yun.Yeah yeah yeah, Ive dated several good looking people, pero wala eh....wala sila nung ganung look...

Sya lang din yung tao na naisama o sa lahat ng plans ko... how many kids shall we have, what will be their names, (Gusto nya Namibia yung name nung girl namin .. hehehe), even yung masters bedroom, yung sala ng house, alam na namin kung papaano gagawin.

Sya lang yung tao nakayang tumabi sa akin for several hours doing nothing, nakasandal lang sa akin, nakahawak sa hands ko, naka-hug or whatever.

Sya yung reason second to God of course, why nagsimba ulit ako.

Sya yung immediate answer ko when people ask me what I'm thinking about.

Teka muna, hanggang 8:30 lang ako dito eh...alam mo, mauubos ang oras ko dito sayo if I were to tell you the many reasons bakit mahal na mahal ko ang asawa ko. Alam mo na yun eh... every Sunday after church, sinasabi ko sayo di ba?

... I keep telling myself I cant force you to love me back, but I cant force myself to stop loving you either ......

So ngayon alam mo na why I have been crying for one week? Last Sunday lang you saw me jogging here crying. The entire week, I spent my days at work crying...Officemates lang siguro ang nakakaalam how bad my heart is broken.

I mean common Harbor Square, we're OK na eh. we made plans for the holy week. Wala naman kaso yun if kasama nya family nya at na-cancel yung mga plans namin. Kaya ko naman mag-isa eh. Besides napakabait ng mga friends nya (lalo na si Louie) to offer to keep me company. (Though I declined, sorry Louie). Pero iba pala dating sa kanya nun.

Last saturday morning till about early evening we were ok. I was trying to address why sad sya and it turned out bigla ko na lang nalaman, I am the reason why sad sya. There were a lot of issues na binato nya sa akin that I tried to explain but ayaw nya ako pakinggan until finally, sabi nya, gusto nya mag-isa. Akala ko naman.. time-out lang....until this Wednesday I confirmed, ayaw na nya sa akin for a lot of reasons I still dont understand.

... I wll never be good enough for you, at least I tried ......

Nagmakaawa ako for the first time in my life. Lahat ng klaseng pagmamakaawa ginawa ko wag lang sya umalis, wag lang nya ako iwan.But it didnt work. It was fixed that I should be alone so I can do what I want daw, so I can be a better person, na kailangan daw muna nya ayusin a lot of things and magagawa lang nya yun if alone sya, a lot of things Harbor Square....The worst part was, asking me to let go. Gumuho ang mundo ko....hindi ko kayang i-reconcile yung sinabi nyang nag-stay sya for the wrong reasons and its just now that realization dawned that its unfair daw to me... whaaat? Ano ba kailangan ko gawin? ayaw nya akong kausapin in person, ayaw nya ako tawagan basta na lang nagtext sya to let go...Alam mo ba kung gaano kasakit yun Harbor Square? The one person whom you least expect to do this to you cant even talk to you personally? Its like giving me a passport not to save the relationship! But I tried... and I failed.

... You will never know how much I love you, and how bad you broke my heart ......

Bakit masama ang loob ko? Bakit ako bitter? Bakit ako devastated? Because I gave it my all. Sabi ko naman sa kanya and alam nya what I had to give up to be in this relationship. Not that I am taking into account alot of things.. ang sa akin lang...I fought for this relationship for two years and just for these reasons, iniwan nya ako? Leaving me isnt gonna change anything.. it will just make it worse.I have managed to survice this long because andyan sya. I am a better person and I always strive to be a better person because andyan sya.Pero ano naman gagawin ko kung ayaw na nya sa akin?

... Let's just be friends, turn around and say OK, but this broken heart gets worse everyday ......

Not a day has passed na hindi ko sya na-miss. I look everywhere I see images nung mukha nya, the things that we did here, and there... Arrrrggghhh! This is crazy. I cant even bear to just sit here and think about missing everything. Sure, I said, I wil let you go, pero hindi naman ako katanga to think that it will be that easy. I try to tell myself its gonna e ok, so bakit andito na naman ako Harbor Square kung ok ako?

... Never break the heart that loves you ......

You think i'm silly don't you. Look Harbor Square, I'm still wearing my ring.. it wont come off. I guess, what I'm trying to say is.... this all that's left of what we had. I'm trying to retrace our steps everyday, and I'm slowly trying to get used to go to the places where we have been... alone.. Time doesnt heal old wounds, it merely blurs the memory and softens the pain. But I guess in my case, I gave my heart away, I wasnt able to get it back. I dont regret breaking the hearts of other people who wanted me to be with them, because I had to save my relationship, I had to be in love with and only with the same person.. sya at sya lang. In the end.. the same person broke my heart, and yet mahal na mahal ko pa rin sya even with the small fragments of my broken heart.

... If you can't get someone out of your head, maybe they are meant to be there......

Naiisip ko pa rin sya every day. From simple thoughts like...Nasa school na kaya sya? Nagbreakfast nakaya sya? Sino na naman kayang gago yung sumira sa araw nya? Na-stress kaya sya ngayon with the kids? Nakatulog na naman kaya sya kaya lumagpas ng SM? Naiwan na naman kaya nya towel nya? Nawala na naman kaya wallet nya? Maling pair of shoes na naman kaya dala nya? Tapos nakaya sya mag-gym? Ano kaya gusto nya kainin mamaya? Nakauwi na kaya sya?

It gets worse...Umiiyak kaya sya katulad ko? Mahal kaya talaga nya ako? Bakit nya ako iniwan kung mahal nya ako? Babalik pa kaya sya? Paano na ako kung di na sya bumalik? Maalala kaya nya 2nd year anniversary namin? Nasaan kaya sya ngayon? Wala kaya syang ibang kasama? May mahal na kaya syang iba?

... I fell for you, you didnt for me......

Then I thought about one thing... Kung mahal mo naman talaga ako hindi mo ako iniwan. Kung mahal mo ako kaya mo tiisin kahit mahirap knowing that hindi naman kita pababayaan. Kung mahal mo ako, hindi ka na lang basta biglang sumuko and you left, sabi ko naman sayo, asawa kita, magtulungan tayo. Kung mahal mo ako, you would have the courtesy of showing your face at sabihin mo sa kin ng derecho na hindi mo na ako mahal or merong iba or merong ibang reason pa kung bakit wala na tayo.Kung mahal mo ako, you could have broken up with me properly and not thru text messaging. Kung mahal mo ako.... kung mahal mo lang naman talaga ako.... bakit mo ginawa sa akin to?

... I quit pretending that you love me.....

Harbor Square, I need to take care of myself now. It is tough being alone. But being alone is better than pretending.

Mahal pa kaya nya ako, di ko alam. Babalik pa kaya sya, di ko alam. Meron na kaya syang ibang mahal, di ko alam. Maaalala kaya nya 2nd year anniversary namin, di ko alam. Basta ang alam ko.... ako itong iniwan. Ako itong mag-isa, at ako itong nagmakaawa na mahalin nya.

At dito ako ngayon sa harap mo...

So pwede na ba akong umupo dyan sa isang tabi at umiyak? Promise, last na to.