Sa May Bintana

Dalawang oras na lang kitang makakasama. Dalawang oras na lang kitang makikita. Dalawang oras na lang kitang mahahawakan. Dalawang oras na lang kitang masusulyapan. Dito na marahil magtatapos ang ilang araw nating pagsasama. Dito na marahil kita huling makikita.

Photo by: Doctor-A

Wag ka sanang magagalit. ipagpaumanin mo, pero mahirap kalabanin ang sarili ko pero ang totoo lumaban din ako, ngunit natalo. Pagkatalo na hudyat para sabihin ko sa sarili ko na marunong din naman pala akong magmahal nang totoo. Oo, mahal kita. Ngayon ko lang naintindihan ang lahat.

 Wag mo sanang isipin na galit ako sayo, o masama ang loob ko kung napansin mo mang medyo mailap ako sayo. Hindi ko rin to ginusto, pero kailangan kong gawin dahil marahil ito ang tama. Pasensya ka na, ayaw lang kita bigyan ng isa pang problema. Hayaan mo, pag nabasa mo to, marahil hindi mo na rin ako kakausapin at hindi na rin kita makakausap. Pero eto lang ako, isang ordinaryong trenta anyos na walang direksyon ang buhay, walang bank account na maipagmamalaki, walang kagwapuhan kagaya nung mga crush mo, walang magandang katawan tulad nung hottie na gusto mo, pero, marunong naman akong magmahal nang totoo.

Sa mapanglaw na ilaw ng takipsilim, naaninag ko ang imahen ng mukha mong naiilawan ng liwanag ng bus. Masakit mang aminin, pero hindi kita magawang tingnan. Para mong tangay tangay ang buo kong pagkatao, ang aking tuwa, ang aking mga alaala at ang mga kalungkutan ko sa tatlong araw nating pagsasama. Ok na akong makita ang repleksyon ng mahimbing mong pagtulog mula sa aking bintana. Gusto kitang hawakan habang natutulog ka at ipaalam sayo na nandito lang ako. Pero unti unti akong namamatay.

Natataranta ka na naman sa kakaabot ng bayad sa konduktor na lumapit sayo, sa Cubao tayo bababa ha? Baka makalimutan mo. Thank you sa libreng pamasahe ha? Siguro ang dami pang libre pag may work ka na. Ay oo nga pala, hindi mo na ako kakausapin tapos nito. Hinabilin na kita kay Jeff, dahil alam ko hanggang tingin na lang ako. Hindi ko din maintindihan kung naiintindihan nya kanina ang sinasabi ko pero sana naman oo.

 Lecheng sipon to! Tulo nang tulo. Napigil ko nga luha ko, tulo naman nang tulo sipon ko. Ewan ko, naiiyak lang akong isipin na hindi na kita makikita. Kasi naman bakit naman kasi ang bait mo. Bakit naman kasi napaka responsable mo. At bakit naman kasi ang gaan ng loob ko sayo. Marahil nakikita ko lang sarili ko sayo.

 Pasensya ka na ulit. Ganito lang ako, abot kamay lang kita pero hindi man lang kita mahawakan. Marahil ganun talaga ang parusa sa mga taong natututong magmahal, ipapakilala ang taong pwede nyang mahalin at ilalagay sa pedestal na hindi nya maabot. Kaya nga kagabi, hindi na ako lumapit sa inyo. Sasama lang loob ko. Hindi naman talaga masakit ang tyan ko, sumakit lang sa kakaselos sayo. Pero hindi naman ito ang papel ko.

 Kagabi pa ako hindi makatulog, hindi ka mawala sa isip ko. kahit anong gawing lakad ko sa buong beach, ikaw pa din ang iniisip ko. Ikaw na lang palagi.At hanggang ngayon ikaw pa din. Ewan ko ba, nakahanap din ako ng katapat ko.

 Isang oras na lang at hindi na kita makikita. Pwede ko bang sabihing bumalik ka sa akin? Pag bumaba tayo ng bus at nakita ko sa huling pagkakataon ang mukha mo, ay para mo na ring dinala ang kalahati ng buhay ko. Pwede bang hilingin na sana bawat pintig nang puso mo na nadama ko ay kahati ako? Ang corny ko talaga,  pero nagpapakatoo lang ako.

 So paano, babalik muna ako sa kakatingin sayo sa bintana. Susulitin ko tong nalalabing isang oras at wala akong gagawin kungdi ang titigan ka lang. Sana maisipan mo akong sulyapan, kahit isang beses lang, dadalhin ko na yon hanggang sa aking huling mga araw�. dahil alam ko, hindi na kita muling makikita. Pero sana maisip mo rin ako kahit minsan, kahit bilang kaibigan, at sana, kapag naiisip mo ako, mapapangiti ka, na minsan sa buhay mo, may isang ordinaryong ako na nagmahal sayo...

The First Cut is the Deepest: Sheryl Crow

I would have given you all of my heart

But there’s someone who’s torn it apart

And he’s taken just all that I have

But if you want I’ll try to love again

Baby, I’ll try to love again, but I know…

What's Playing in Your iPod Looser?

I have been so busy being happy that I forgot to give back to society - to help the poor (read: the broken hearted), the needy (read: those who refuse to move on) and the unemployed (read: those who have moved on but are single).

I would like to recommend the following breakup songs for the broken hearted. Ayan, ayaw nyo pa mag move-on? Hala cge, pakalunod kayo kakaiyak as if naman babalikan pa kayo nun:

1. The Day You Went Away (Wendy Matthews)
Panalo ka dito. You'll feel like as if your world will fall apart. Take it from me, naka-relate ako dito. Ta-tanga-tanga kasi.

2. Love Me Like The First Time (Stacy Lattisaw)
Cge, mag-ilusyon ka na babalikan ka pa nya. Hello... hindi. Move on ka na lang....dami mo pang arte.

3. I Just Had To Hear Your Voice (Oletta Adams)
The first time I played this song... kala ko naman feel good song ini... hindi! Ayan, kung di ka pa kuntento sa kakaiyak, tawagan mo pa... pakatanga ka ulit!

4. Missing You (Case)
Isa pa to. Lalo na, this is one of the songs I last gave my ex para sa ipod nya. Aba malay ko ba naman magiging relevant ito. (Come to think of it, may 2 cds pala ako sa ex ko.. o well.....good luck if I could still find a copy of those)

5. I Believe (Blessid Union of Souls)
Ito ay isang version ng Wishing And Hoping And Praying. Uhm... hello, move on na nga eh ano ba!

6) Why (Avril Lavigne)
Kung psychologist ka naman or pshychiatrist or plainly psychotic.. ito ang song for you. Hala ubusin mo ang oras mo kakaisip bakit ka nya iniwan. Hint: Di ka na nya mahal... weeeeh! Dali move on na!

7. Back Here (BBMak)
I love BBmak.. pero nunca na magustuhan ko itong kantang ito. Naman.. Back here? Hello.... ilusyunado ka? Feeling mo babalikan ka? Untog mo nga yang ulo mo!

8. I Wish I wasn't In Love With You(Heather Headley)
I recommend the dance version, the one that comes as part of Anton Ramos' Chillout Project. Bakit? Eh dahil gusto ko eh, bakit ka ba nangingialam ha? Blog ko to eh!

9. Teardrops (I forgot the artist)
Anyway hindi ako mahilig sa sobrang emote na songs so I am recommending this.

10. Bleeding Love (Leona Lewis)
Isa pa to.. again, get the dance remix version. At pwede ba, go out on a date!

There are still a lot of beautiful songs to choose from but ayoko i-recommend coz MOVING ON is what were trying to accomplish.

Sa mga nagaatempt mag-move on and sa mga nakapag-move on na, these songs are for you:

1. I Never really Loved You Anyway (The Corrs)
This is my number one. I make sure na kapag iniwan ko or iniwanan ako, hindi ko babalikan.

2. Girl Friend (Avril Lavigne)
Ayan, this song is telling you to flirt, go out on dates and find a new GF/BF. Dont worry if at the first few attempts you dont find the right person.. hello remember youre on the rebound, take it easy muna. Remember, we dont make mistakes, we just date them.

3. Migraine (Moonstar88)
I like this one in particular. Its you telling yourself TAMA NA. Umayos ka na kung ayaw mo masaktan or kung ayaw mong saktan kita.

4. Why Do All Good Things Coe to An End (Nelly Furtado)
Again... wag magpakadalubhasa in trying to figure out what went wrong. Carry lang yan

5. The First Cut Is The Deepest (Sheryl Crow)
Now this is truly a moving on song. Its you telling your new partner that youre ready to fall again.

6) Not Ready To Make Nice (Dixie Chicks)
Kung bitter ka pa rin sa kakainom ng Charantia... ito ang para sayo.

7. Outta My Head (Ashlee Simpson)
This is you forcing to get your ex off your mind.. off your heart na rin. Malay mo sa kaka-listen mo nito matauhan ka.

8. Moving On Up (M People)
Panalo din ito. Listen to it. Sabi ko listen... hindi dance to it.

9. Another Suitcase In Another Hall (Madonna)
Its you telling yourself youre moving on despite not knowing how. May kukontra pa ba kay Madonna?

10. Its Too Late To Apologize (One Republic)
You tell yourself at this point, whatever left unsaid or not discussed by you and your ex... wala na yun... apologize nya mukha nya di ba. Hayaan mo na yung tao... tandaan mo palagi, be kind to animals.

11. Can We Still Be Friends (Todd Rundgren/Mandy Moore)
Leche ka, naghahanap ka talagang sakit ng ulo ano? Anong friends friends ka dyan? As a general rule, if you and your ex were friends first before you became an item why not. Kung hindi naman, tigilan ang ilusyon (sabagay libre mangarap) and dont bother your ex. Remember, kung mahal ka nun, di ka iniwan nun hehehehehe.

12. Slow Me Down (Emmy Rossum)
The process of moving on is also a healing process. Wag madaliin. If you want to just sleep around then do so with no strings attached. A good advice... sleep with your ex's ex! Hahahaha ....... Trust me, you'll learn a lot.

13. Goodbye My Lover (James Blunt)
Ayan tama yan.. Mag-Goodbye ka na.. nag-goodbye na nga yung tao sayo eh! Isa pa.. ang training wag kalimutan.. hindi tayo umiiyak, tayo ang iniiyakan.

So there you have it.. my contribution to society. If you want advice on love, call the National Center for Mental Health, wag ako ... busy ako being happy.

Flowers and Badmintron Don't Mix

Flowers really freak me out … especially if i have to carry these walking around in public… more so if I have to go to a sportsfest carrying a bouquet of flowers … eeeek! I do understand and I appreciate that my Bubu was just being so sweet and thoughtful … but flowers???? I could have sworn the moment I got the text that I am in for a surprise, I almost lost my marbles, and yes my jaw practically dropped to the floor when I saw the flowers. Nobody gives me flowers. Nobody has… ever. Especially not at 4:30 in the afternoon and at a mall. I automatically turned into an asshole and started an argument which lasted until the rest of the day. So we’re clear…no more flowers! Right Bubu?

I now have a feel of what stage parents are like… in my case, I am the proud BF of a badminton powerhouse (my bubu). I had to brave the heat of the Meralco gym to show my immoral (hehehe) support for my bubu’s team….and yes, all the BFs are there hahahaha. Were like typical pleasantville husbands waiting for our wives to finish their salon extravaganza. It is indeed true that one does crazy things for love … life suffocating in a not so well ventilated gym without air conditioning (and I cannot stand any room without an aircon). Ang galing pala mag badminton ng asawa ko! But seriously…. I am going to die if I have to do this again next week……

Next project.. let’s see you dance……

An Open Letter From Josh Fuller

I am posting an entry from the blog of Josh Fuller as a response to my posts at my journals in Pic-link. Here goes:


To lafouge - An open letter

Owner: joshfuller2005
Created on: Jun 05 2008 @ 02:30 PM
Last Updated: Jun 05 2008 @ 02:37 PM
Page View: 43

Mood: Normal


Hi lafouge,

Hello, I don’t know how to call you but let me share to you my insights
about your long story. I was thinking whether to post this message
publicly or only to you. But then, I just thought of sending this
message publicly so that readers may learn from this. You know, my
purpose of writing to you is not for anything else but to at least
lessen your burdens. Nung nabasa ko ang journals mo, nanariwa uli sa
‘king ala-ala ang ‘di ko malilimot na yugto sa buhay ko tungkol sa
isang pag-ibig na akala ko ay magkakaroon ng happy ending. Actually, it
did have a happy ending but late have I realized that it was supposed
to be a happy ending. Parehong-pareho ang ating karanasan, yun nga
lang, ang sa ‘yo ay 2 taon, sa akin naman ay 8 taon. Years lang
pinagkaiba. I thought that that relationship would be forever. I
considered him as the extension of myself, my other heart, my soul
mate. He would always tell me that he would never love anyone else but
me, he was willing to live with me, and spend the rest of his life with
me. We would always plan for the future like purchasing a house where
we could live and share things in life, raise kids, spend the rest of
our life taking care of each other. All those sorts of things… you
know. I really do not know what happen to us, I just woke up one
morning feeling betrayed. I would always question him why he had
changed, why he could not love me anymore. What could be that thing
that I did that made him changed? Anyway, to cut the story short, we
separated. I was hurt. I didn’t know what to do then, I was confused, I
felt so alone. I cried almost everyday and went on that way for almost
a year, I thought that was the end of my existence. Eventually, I
realize a lot of things about the meaning of life, the meaning of the
words “letting go”, the real meaning of LOVE, love that is
unconditional, unselfish giving even if your love is unrequited. But
you know, the best learning I had was when I realized that GOD was not
sleeping, that he loved me most and that I am not alone. That I still
have friends and family who are with me all the way, that I still have
a lot of opportunities in life, that I can still go beyond my
existence, explore possibilities and love again. I realized then that
the most beautiful people are the scarred people, agree?

Bakit kita sinulatan? To make you realize that life is like that.
You know, when we pray for strength, God does not give us strength
right away, He gives us opportunities to be strong, when we pray for
love, He does not give us love right away but opportunities to love.
What we experience whether it be happy or sad, are opportunities for us
to know ourselves, to make us realize life’s mysteries and eventually
become a better person. By now I would know that you have learned
something from that experience. Right?

Thanks for sharing your story. I appreciate the way it was
written. I am sure that many people like us can relate to it. Sorry for
my English flaws, I am not really a writer. Di ba happy ending? Ingat
po.

Comment by: lafouge
Posted on: 06-05-2008 @ 07:17 pm

I appreciate the fact that you took time to share your thoughts with the
rest of us. I understand that what you went through has also been
hurtful - 8 years is no joke. I know because prior to my 2 year
relationship, I had a 6 year relationship which I also thought would be
"it". But no. Lesson learned….? You just don’t give up on love just
because you’re hurt or betrayed.. you just keep on loving and hoping
that one day… someone will find you.
Stay happy ok? Keep in touch.

Chapter One Begins

Yeah... yeah ... yeah... I know what you're going to say. What is this idiot doing blogging again? Well sweetie, you can take blogging away from any writer but you can never take writing away from any writer..... well sort of, you get my drift.

So anyway... tonight, my lil bro and I decided to have dinner. The poor kid has been trying real hard to squeeze into kuya's busy schedule and so finally, we found the time to catch up. The night was just starting to get weirder though....

I spent a few moments trying to pick the perfect ring for me and my Bubu . . . its long overdue anyway considering that its already our first month together. To accomplish this, I had to remove extra clothing - my vest, my jacket and my muffler.. how the hell do I know that there was a freaking sale in Ayala Center and that all sorts of creatures were in a hurry to grab all sorts of items at marked down prices??? Long story short, I looked like a bloody French gigolo wearing stripes and a pair of jeans (good thing Girbaud makes huge bags that I was able to fit all other pieces of clothing there).

So what does the perfect ring look like (No fucking gold please!)? The options were:

A) Plain and smooth ----- naaah, too pedestrian for Bubu's "Make Me A Supermodel" looks.
B) Matte with asterisk like patterns ---- Hoe much? Why don't you just wear a tag with the letters H O E to go with it
C) Smooth with undistinguishable patters ---- My precious... so Lord of The Rings-esque. Hello!
D) Combo of alternate lines and grains ---- perfect......too bad this doesnt come in platinum.But still perfect...

So Ive picked up the rings, I'll just have to give it to Bubu later... now off to meet my bro for dinner.

Like I said earlier..... the night just couldn't get weirder than this. As I was on my way to Greenbelt 1 with my usual bouncy walk..... This 6 feet Calvin Klein posterboy starts heading my way as if there was no other way but to collide with me. He had this grin on his face as if he was mocking me (but he wasn't) and just about a foot away between me and him bumping to each other, posterboy stops in front of me and gives me the lamest excuse for a closeup commercial. He had an even bigger grin on his face and he was dead on serious not to let me pass. What the fuck?

I was moments away from yelling but i decided to be polite, gave him a blank stare and tried to avoid by moving to my right (his left). Posterboy blocked my way. Jerk! I moved to my left (his right) to try to be on my way and he just blocked me again and still with that big grin on his face. This time I made my grunt louder so he knows he is annoying and that he is already pissing me off so he backed away, shook his head gave me a blank stare but as soon as my feet started to move he literally blocked me again and smiled. Asshole!

He only let me pass when he noticed that the people around us, especially those dining alfresco were already looking at us with prying eyes as if anticipating the inevitable. But posterboy moved away and I hurried to the nearest Starbucks for coffee (my 8th for the day). In a whisper, he said... "Suplado". (Mental note: I am not suplado, I am an asshole)

Just when I thought that I could have my coffee in peace, posterboy sits in front of me, smies, says hi and introduces himself. Before I could even utter the 'Are you fucking kidding me" phrase, he asks me to dinner. There I lost it, stood up and kicked one of the chairs to his direction (I'm sure it hit his left leg hard) and before the guard came to inquire what that was about, I have already gathered my stuff and left for Italianni's for dinner.

Mental Note: I am now appealing to both genders hahahaha!

More pizza and pasta the following day as I had lunch with my brother before we decided to watch SATC (Sex And The City). I was kinda hesitant about the movie though because I have this vibe that this might be a recap of all the episodes.. I hope not.

Movie started ok..... you have your usual typical plot until it started to become depressing when it got to the scene where Carrie was supposed to be married to Big and that the poor fellow had to ditch the bride. Dear lord, this is a summary of my life!

 Big is ditching Carrie because of some twisted comment made by Miranda.I had to sympathize with Miranda though, she was having a difficult night talking to Steve and dealing with his infidelity, but I don�t think that was the turning point as to why Big got cold feet. Anyway, the point is.. I am watching my life on the big screen (minus that wedding hullabaloo anyway) . I got scared.. I freaked out .. Images of my recent breakup started flooding my mind. Here we fucking go again.


Consider the following:


A) Like Carrie, I have three friends who helped me through the breakup � Jeff, Lola Bombshell and Ate Liezel.

 B) When I came to a point that I finally decided I had to move on, I also sat on one part of the beach reading my ex�s text messages from the breakup (I didn't throw my phone though.. hello.. drama much?) and there I decided that I had to get rid of my ring for good ( I mean like in a place where I wont be able to find it anymore � and yes I still cant find it hahahaha)

 C) Miranda was describing her sex life and... oh never mind.

 D) Big just took off, no explanation whatsoever. At least he had the courtesy of making it up to Carrie.. she's still lucky.

 E) Other stuff, but I don't wanna take the suspense from those who haven't seen the movie yet.

 As the movie progressed, there were a lot of similarities I have taken note of that pretty much described my past relationship. I really felt uncomfortable at first because it was like dealing with it from a 3rd person's perspective for the first time. Until I realized, my story ended like that of Samantha's. It just didn't work. It was time to let go.

If its any consolation, I have proven the following to be true:

 A) In order to move on, you have to forgive yourself first before you can actually forgive your ex and all her/his transgressions. If you have done so.. it wont matter whether there are still things left unsaid, possessions left unreturned (my CDs, my precious CDs hahaha), it just wont matter.

 B) When one is in love, one changes himself/herself to fit into the role that his/her partner wants him/her to be. In my case, I changed for my ex, I changed a lot of myself that I lost who I was, and I gave up a lot of things just to prove that I am willing to fight for the relationship. Sadly, my ex didn't see it that way.. my ex wasn't ready to give up certain things and fight for me, instead giving up was just the only solution available. I can assure you all though, you will never find anyone like me who is willing to give up everything just to save the relationship. Ako nagawa ko kahit mahirap... ewan ko sa inyo....hahahaha

 C) You can be friends with your ex. How willing are you or your ex to invest in that friendship is a different issue. Nonetheless, being polite is customary.

D) Everybody is entitled to a happy ending. It might not be the happy ending we all dream of, but nevertheless it is a happy ending.

 Now that I have another ring on my finger, I am excited at the same time scared (yeah.... I dont know how I have summoned the strength to travel at 11 in the evening just to give my Bubu the ring). Whatever this chapter is, however it progresses, and how it ends. I don't know. All I know is, Everybody deserves to love and be loved.

Hanggang Dito na Lang Ako

Trenta na ako. Hindi na ako bata at sa susunod na mga taon, mawawala na ako sa kalendaryo. Ilang araw na rin akong gumigising na masama ang loob, galit at umiiyak na naman na akala ko hindi ko na gagawin. Matagal-tagal ko na rin na hindi naramdaman ang galit at lungkot, pero aaminin ko lahat ng mga damdaming pilit ko nang ibinaon nang matagal na nagsipag-usbungan ulit. Hindi ko alam bakit. Malamang napakaaga pa para kamutin yung peklat ng mga sugat na kahihilom lang. Hindi dapat minamadali ang paghilom.

Ngunit sa bawat umaga na gumigisig ka na umiiyak, sa bawat gabing hindi ka makatulog sa pag-iisip o sa bawat pagkakataon na hindi ka makakain, doon mo napapatunayan sa sarili mo na kailangan mo ring mabuhay hindi para sa kung sino man, kungdi para sa sarili mo. Hindi rin ganun kadali na baguhin ang mga bagay na nakagisnan mo na at sa isang iglap maging perpektong tao na hindi na marunong umiyak at masaktan. Alam ko, marami sa inyo, hindi nyo ako maiintindihan.

Sa maikling panahon na tumigil ako ng kakaiyak, maraming magagandang bagay ang inihain sa akin — mabubuting kaibigan, pagkakataon para gawin ang mga bagay na hindi ko pa nagagawa, at makilala ang taong mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal ako… at mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal ko rin. At sa ilang araw na ito na muli na naman akong umiiyak, ewan ko kung bakit mahal na mahal pa rin nya ako, kahit alam kong nagseselos na sya. At kahapon, wala lang akong nasabi kungdi ang hilingin sa kanya na wag nya akong iiwan.

Oo, sa tanda kong ito pwede mo na akong ipagtayo ng rebulto. Kung may lugar lang ba sa Binondo o sa Luneta bakit hindi? Nakaktuwa din naman ano? Lagi na lang ako itong naiiwanan, lagi na lang ako itong nasasaktan sa kabila ng walang katapusang pangako ng mga taong minahal kona hindi nila ako iiwan. Ayoko na rin isipin na hindi sila mabubuting tao o nagsinungaling sila o hindi talaga nila ako minahal. Siguro naman, kahit papaano minahal din nila ako kahit na iniwannila ako sa kung ano mang dahilan … kahit na hindi ko pa alam.

Ang blog na ito, ito siguro ang saksi sa mga gabing hindi ako makatulog … sa dalawang araw na gising ako nang walang tulog at sa walang tigil kong pag-iyak sa lahat ng pagkakataong nasasaktan ako at iniiwan. Marami pa akong ibang blog hindi lang ito, patunay lang siguro na kahit ganito ako ka maldito, kailangan ko lang ng kausap. Ganun naman ako eh, nakakapagsulat lang ako kapag nasasaktan at nalulungkot kasi ayokong kinakaawaan ako ng mga kaibigan ko. Marahil sa pagkakataong ito, ganun lang talaga ako nasaktan, ganun lang talaga ako nagalit. Pero tama na.

Nakakatuwa din naman ano ….. pinagtago na naman kami ng taong di ko kinakausap at hindi ako kinakausap sa isang lugar kung saan nagsimula ang lahat. At ang mas nakakatuwang bahagi ng dalawang araw na yon, alam naming nandoon kami sa iisang lugar pero hindi pa rin kami nag-usap. Pagpasensyahan mo na kung hindi maayos ang pagkakabati ko sayo ha? Hindi ko alam kung papaano kita babatiin o kakausapin. Pero mabuti na rinyung ganun. Hayaan mo na kung ano man yung kailangan mo pang ipaliwanag.. wala na yun. Tapos na yun. Para namang di tayo magkaibigan.

Pero aaminin ko sayo, nung birthday ko, buong umaga lang akong nakaupo doon sa dalampasigan kung saan tayo palagi nakaupo at nangangarap. Hindi ka dumating. Hindi ko rin inaasahan. Marahil, hudyat na rin ito para doon tapusin ang lahat. Wala na akong sama ng loob sayo, hindi na rin ako galit.

At sa taong mahal na mahal ako ….. salamat. Salamat dahil hindi mo ako iniwan. Salamat dahil kahit wala man tayong ganung yaman, magkasama tayo. Salamat dahil kahit sa simpleng pagkain na pinagsasaluhan natin minahal mo pa rin ako. Salamat dahil kahit ang kukulit natin hindi tayo nag-aaway at hindi natatapos ang araw na hindi tayo nagkakabati. Salamat dahil nakikinig ka sa akin at ako din naman sayo. Salamat dahil nakilala ko pamilya mo at tanggap nila ako. Salamat dahil kahit nagseselos ka sa kanya mahal mo pa rin ako at hindi ka nauubusan ng pagmamahal. Salamat dahil gusto mo akong pakasalan (hahaha paano kaya yun?Las Vegas ba pwede?) At salamat dahil nandyan ka lang.

Dito na muna magtatapos itong blog na ito.

Hanggang dito na lang ako…… Masaya na ulit ako……….

MIGRAINE
By: Moonstar88

Oo nga pala, hindi nga pala tayo
Hanggang dito lang ako, nangangarap na mapa-sayo
Hindi sinasadya
Na hanapin pa ang lugar ko
Asan nga ba ako? Andiyan pa ba sa iyo?

Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Aasa ba ko sayo?

Nasusuka ako, kinakain na ang loob
Masakit na mga tuhod, kailangan bang lumuhod?
Gusto ko lang naman, yung totoo
Hindi po ang sagot, hindi rin isang tanong

Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Asan ba ko sayo?
Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Aasa ba ko sayo?

Dahil, di na makatulog (makatulog)
Dahil di na makakain (makakain)
Dahil di na makatawa (makatawa)
Dahil, di na

Oo nga pala, hindi nga pala tayo
Hanggang dito na lang ako

Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Asan ba ko sayo?
Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Aasa ba ko sayo?
Nahihilo… Nahihilo…
Nalilito…

Awakening

Today , the rest of my life begins…

Looking back on the year that was, I have realized that there is still more room to improve and be good at being a human being. Unfortunately,I don’t classify myself as one.

I decided that I want to accomplish the following:

A) Graduate with flying colors from law school, land a spot at the Bar exams.
B) Travel travel travel
C) Start writing again
D) Go home more often and spend more time with my parents
E) Spend more time with my sister on weekends
F) Find more time to be with the one I love
G) Learn how to sail, enroll in sailing lessons at Manila Yacht Club
H) Learn how to cook
I) Maximize the use of my Sun Cellular account
J) Find more time to play with my girls Gucci and Sleepy
K) Run more laps on weekends
L) Eat healthier foods
M) Slim down to a size 28 (again)
N) Sleep before 11 pm
O) Take care of my hair
P) Invest in clothes

I have also realized and have come to terms with the following flaws:

A) I have poor taste in partners
B) The average realistic number of releases in a span of 12 hours is three.
C) My natural hair color is dark brown
D) I dont take crap from anyone
E) I refuse to smile just for the sake of politeness
F) I go for extreme diets
G) I can be single and not care.
H) I don’t forgive easily.
I) I can be the next Hitler
J) I expect the people who have wronged me to suffer, if not, I make them suffer

I wish I could stay the same naive, sweet, caring gentleman but no. Sometimes, certain events in ones life cause them to become monsters. I grew fangs and claws in a month. I refuse to care anymore.

Perhaps I am a symptom of the times to come, or a victim of circumstances, but I blame no one. I am going to prevail.

Copyright Ritche F. Baria May 11, 2008

Peter Pan is an asshole dressed in Red body hugging Missoni, an ass friendly pair of board shorts and walking barefoot on the shores of Galera. Today, he turns 30.

I never planned of celebrating my birthday here, I had my my mind set on celebrating elsewhere but ever since I became single, I have always welcomed surprises. As I look back, I realized I ended up doing things I never thought I never liked before:
A) Sailing
B) Jogging with the common tao at CCP on weekends
C) Sitting comfortably resting my head on a trusty lamp post at harbor square on Sunday mornings with people just passing me by
D) Wearing eyeglasses again (I love my glasses, thank you Executive Optical)
E) Eating and eating and eating ( I’m still a size 30 huh!)
F) Marathons (grin… I had 3 good ones yesterday, hell the best actually… grin)
G) Exploring more positions…. (hahaha more grin)
H) Being humble (in a maldito kind of way)
I) Blogging
J) and more . . . .

I have also gained wisdom on love and relationships I’d like to share with you:

A) Never ever abandon your family for love (its suicide!)
B) Never fall in love with people who cant even spend time with their families. How can you expect them to love you?
C) Never ever fall in love with anyone whom you have sex with but never dated
D) In case your partner fails to address your sexual needs, chances are your partner is addressing someone else’s needs, bail out ASAP!
E) I love you can be equated to “I feel like shitting, where’s the CR?”
F) Never fall in love with a drama queen
G) Do your homework… consult your partner’s exs
H) The phrase “Its not you, but the problem is with me” means I found someone else.
I) When you give up your inheritance for someone, make sure you have a fucking solid trust fund
J) When you fall in love with someone more vain than you, expect a headache
K) When your partner makes sure that you get home safe and sound, its usually a cue for them to start prowling (and they usually do).
L) Never have sex with your ex’s friend
M) Never fall in love with anyone who leave their BFs for you (what makes you think they will not leave you aber?)
N) Never have sex with your ex
O) Never date a showbiz personality (double warning if you’re vain)
P) and more. . . . .

When in Galera, I usually go for the sunset but unfortunately, there was none today so we decided to just head to our room and get dressed for dinner. Had dinner at Fernando’s (disappointing) but unfortunately it rained so we had to stay indoors. Had a good laugh and enjoyed swimming earlier today anyway. More strolls on the beach late night and when 12am came, my phone became a hotline again with birthday greetings.

Who would have thought I’d still have cake and a candle to blow? Bubu did. But then again Bubu is full of surprises. A dougnut with icing and a candle voila, birthday cake!

I am now officially 30. Let me take this opportunity to thank the following:



MY FAMILY
I know I have given up on you and despite knowing how fucked up I am you still manage to care. I love you.

BUBU
Thank you for making me smile, for making me believe in love, for bringing back my mojo (grin), for being so sensitive and kind, and for always being there beside me even if were not doing anything.

TSONG
Thank you for taking care of me and for always making sure that I have a healthy meal when I get home from work.

MIKE
Your wisdom amazes me. I hope to become like you one day. I hope to go sailing with you again soon. Thank you for never giving up on me.

ATE LIEZEL

Your kindness overwhelms me. You have never left my side during the times that I was so devastated and you continue to teach me to become a better person. I hope God repays you for the kindness you have shown to me.

LOLA BOMBSHELL
Thank you for never getting tired of listening to my rants. Always remember, were hot and they’re not! Mamatay na silang lahat!

RAMIL
Hey dad! See first name basis na tayo! Thanks for finding time to be a good father despite the odds… and despite the fact that youre always halfway all over the world. See yah when you get back from India.

JOEL
Nasaan na ang Green curry ko? I’ll see you soon.

JEFFIE CUE
Kapatid! I know youre always on my side kaya nga love ka ni kuya.

CARLO P.

Utoy thanks to you and Grace. More blessings!

CARLO S.
Hey kiddo. I wish I could always be that perfect role model you look up to, but I’m not…but thanks…..

LOUIE

My sweet BFF! My lips are sealed……………..

GIBO
Kahit busy ka sa lovelife mo, friends pa rin tayo. Thanks for always being there.

RON
Mabait ako ngayon …. kaya pagbibigyan kita kahit nakalimutan mo birthday ko! I miss driving around with you. See yah soon.

RUEL
Busy busyhan ka dyan! Usap tayo minsan. We still have to bring Pepe ad Pretzel for a stroll remember?

BONG

Kapatid…. Thanks for giving me reason to use my Sun phone hahahaha. Seriously, the good advices helped a lot. Thanks

DWIGHT
My dear Armand….. you have never failed to help me make sense of how fucked up my life is, and your Lestat thanks you.

MARK AND JAY
Mga kapatid…. thanks for lending me your ears. I know nakakairita na ako minsan but you always listen.

ALLAN B.
Hi Bunso… Dalawin mo si kuya if you have time ha?

ALLAN A., AGNES, TOTS, TINA, GERALD, JEFF, RUSSEL, JO, EHM, AL
Hoy nasaan na kayo? Videoke ulit kila Agnes?

ERWIN C.
Hey Cifra. I bet youre back in NZ now or halfway to the US. I can never fill in your shoes for being such a bitch but I thank you for the good times even for the bad ones. Stay happy.

TED Z.

Mabuhay ang mga single for they are the hottest creatures on earth!

CARLO LUIS G.
Hi Boss. Thanks for your friendship. I wouldn’t have survived a lot of crap if not for you. Thank you for teaching me to have faith in GOD again (see, I never missed church since that day we heard mass in Baguio). See you around.

A Chapter Closes.... A Story Begins

I didn't realize that it will take me this soon to set foot here. I've always told myself that I wanted to keep Galera's memories same as the day I first set foot in there two years ago. But I guess, fate just sometimes plays tricks on you and you find yourself in circles, retracing your steps and seeing old and familiar faces.

I guess it's about time a chapter in my life closes. After all, that chapter began here, the story progressed with Galera as part and parcel of it and its just fitting that all characters die and the story ends here. And again... fate just had to play with me and all the characters involved. Was it a ploy to start a new chapter? Deus ex machina for the lead character? Or was it just plain bullshit.

Yes... I met the antagonist today (my ex). I dunno how.... I dunno why. But I guess sometimes, you just have to have faith in fate and believe that she knows what the fuck she's doing. Well I don't. Put it this way... what do you say to someone you spent two years of your life with, disappeared without a trace and didn't even bother to explain face to face why. Do you seriously expect me to believe that if the person initiates a conversation, it is out of kindness? That would be fucking twisted.

But I guess my parents raised me well and so I replied with a cordial nod when I heard my name. I think that was fair enough considering what was done to me. And I so remembered one of my ex's texts.... " Rich, I don't care anymore", date and time stamped March 22, 2008, 10:51 pm. ( Oh yes, I kept each and every text to remind me not to be played like this ever again). So why the hell should I care?

But I remembered... my ex and I talked about beig friends and I promised my ex we will be friends... I dunno how its gonna work. But I am a man of my word. But I believe for friendships to work, both parties have to have a conscious effort of making it work. I never saw any...... and I wasn't the one who left so.. go figure....

Its just that how can you take the word of someone who can't even have the courtesy of showing face? Again... faith ....... a little faith ....... If we were meant to be friends, we will be friends. On my part...., I have given the person all the time to talk to me for over a month, lets say even today.... but nada.... so do the math.

I took time to just sit at Jurassic today early 6am till about 9am just to throw back and cast to the sea all images of places, people and events in my mind. I dont want any of it anymore. Its taking up space and I have to make room for new memories.

So how does this story end? We both walk away in opposite directions and we never look back. We are both happy with the choices we made, we stand by the choices we made, we both have moved on from what has been ---- a pretend whirlwind love affair that never was. Just a big overplayed, over extended LIE.

The End.

THE DAY YOU WENT AWAY
by: Wendy Matthews

Hey, does it ever make you wonder what’s on my mind
I, I was only ever running to your side
I never cried, I just watched my life go by
It’s just a pack of lies,
’cause you’re leaving me behind
Why, after this long is there nothing
I’ll keep, oh, I can shout
you’ll pretend you’re falling asleep
I live a lie, yeah, believing that you’re mine
It’s just a waste of time
’cause you’re leaving me behind

Hey, there’s not a cloud in the sky
It’s as blue as your goodbye
and I thought it would rain
on a day like today
Hey, there’s not a cloud in sight
it’s as blue as your blue goodbye
and I thought it would rain
the day you went away

Hey, does it ever make you wonder what’s on my mind
I was only ever running back to your side
Hey, there’s not a cloud in the sky
it’s as blue as your goodbye
and I thought it would rain
on a day like today

Hey, there’s not a cloud in sight
it’s as blue as your blue goodbey
and I thought it would rain
the day you went away

He’s on the buses, and the aeroplanes
with some groceries and a sleeping bag

Nostalgia is a Piece of Crap

My mobile was ringing off the hook today receiving calls from my bosses and text messages but there was one particular annoying instance that my phone had to vibrate endlessly and give out a high pitched alarm to remind me of something. Now what could be that life changing event that I had to remind myself of? I picked up my phone just to check what it is and to my dismay, the screen flashes ..."ANNIVERSARY"..... Oh yeah I forgot to update my calendar.Actually the supposed "anniversary" is tomorrow but at that time I entered the reminder into my calendar, I thought I'd plan ahead. Wrooonnngggg!

Now, I'm finding several things Ive never thought I have kept like the floral patterned paper which wrapped the flowers I got from last year, Libby the Lobster (who I thought was already suffocating from being inside my drawer for more than a month now) and other stuff. But what do these things mean anyway? Nothing really.... just memories of a makeshift past. Do I wanna go to Starbucks West Avenue tomorrow and hang-out for a while to close this cycle? I dunno. Sounds like a chore.

After tomorrow, May 08 will lose its significance. It will just be one of the numbers you mark on a calendar to signify that the day has passed. No more cake, no more flowers, no more Happy Anniversary card, no more Starbucks West Avenue.

Its time to stop caring, after all, it was just all pretend and bullshit.

Four-eyed Hottie

Its official. My opthalmologist told me today I can’t wear contacts for a while so I spent the rest of the evening looking for the perfect eyeglasses, and I did.Now, all I have to do is to find something to tame my wild mane and I’ll be off reporting to my Bubu for comments. (Gusto daw nya naka-eye glasses ako and if inevitable, to wear clear contacts so kita nya my eyes … not a very tall order I guess, but of course its really up to me) Now I’m curious how my little Bubu will react . .

Happy birthday to me. I am losing my eyesight!

Spaced Out

*************************
PETER PAN TURNS 30
*************************
Speaking of aging, I'm turning 30 next month. Yes, I'm no longer part of your age bracket you half-wit moron! But I'll be the hottest 30 year old there is, yup, you can bet on that. After all I'm single, so its ok to be hot. A friend commented last time that turning 30 means being yummy. Thirty after all is the age of yumminess he says (though he hasn't explained how or why). I was looking at my photos today, back when I was 5 till right about college. My gulay, what's this layer under my eye... lines here and there.... I'm really getting old, and I am Peter Pan. I refuse to grow old.

*********************
THE FOOD FREAK
*********************
It feels like that my internal organs are shrinking. I used to eat a lot and I have this feeling that I would die without food. But now, its the other way around. I control food, I dont let it control me, which is a good thing because I dont have to take supplements just to lose weight. My body is having a hard time getting used to the new routine though. I have this Monday sickness after a good jog every Sunday. Hopefully soon, I will be able to do more laps around CCP.

*********************
MEET THE X-MEN
*********************
Its difficult to bump into your friend's ex. (I didnt know he was also an ex till like about a week ago and he and I aren't really that close except that one time that for the lack of normal people to talk to, we had a conversation) Initially, I think we both played in our minds how the conversation will be like. I mean, common... what do you talk about except your exs, the only common denominator besides that ego? Surprisingly, we were able to talk about a lot of things other than our exs while managing to keep our thought processes at bay. He seems ok now (you hear that Daphne! The asshole you refer to as a BF is now ok and has moved on! Girl you better get your act together and you have some explaining to do). Its good to have a support group such as this one, not that I need any by the way. Love hurts, deal with it. Like we care.

*************************************************** ***********
POST BREAK-UP SIDE COMMENTS SERVED WITH RICE
*************************************************** ***********
Some people are just insensitive mindless assholes. They are just so tactless that they blurt out whatever comes to mind.

C: Well, at last single ka na, so pwede na kita tikman?
(You wish! Maligo ka muna dun sa dagat. Maglublob ka ha, wag kang aahon hanggang hindi ko sinasabi)

W: So what if you're single, tingnan mo ang gwapo mo ngayon, may cheekbones ka na ulit.
(Excuse me, matagal na akong gwapo! At bakit ka ba nangigialam ha, close tayo? Asikasuhin mo kaya yang lovelife mo para magka-bf ka na!)

R: Well, that's unfair you ought to have received an explanation, Eh kung ako ba pinili mo eh di hindi ka single?
(Oh, so? Kala mo naman papatulan kita? Mamamatay kang hindi mo ko matitikman!)

A: Single, ikaw? Kelan pa. Sorry, but I'm not qualified to go into details with you of all things concerning your breakup. Ako nga may problema eh.
(Ay Bes, ikaw yan? Salamat ha? Oo nga pala I forgot, you have problems too)

D: Hey son, I am not avoiding you, I am in India for two weeks now, doing a project here.
(Uhm... uhm.... so?)

W: Haaaaay... yun lang... iniiyakan mo. For crying out loud kuya, I would understand if thats a watch or a shoe that you lost pero yan lang?
(Oh I'm sorry, I must have forgotten the fact that your BF is in the US for 3 months now and has left you here in a fantasy relationship in your mind. Bottomline, asan sya?)

L: I feel guilty, I never thought I'd like you.
(No comment)

*******************
RICE SHORTAGE
*******************
Ah meron bang shortage? Di ko naramdaman. Matatakot ako pag merong cereal shortage... Seriously, the people have to calm down, and the government has to admit there is a problem. Common, the shit already hit the fan, its stinking everywhere... Filipinos are not stupid you know.

I thought I wouldnt think of anything to write........

Galera

Copyright Ritche F. Baria

Ang sabi sa akin dati, ang taong kasama mo sa paglubog ng araw sa Puerto Galera, ang syang makakatuluyan mo. Pinaniwalaan ko ito. Kaytagal kong hinangad na makapunta ng Puerto Galera sa pag-aakalang, doon ko makikita ang taong makakasama ko sa buong buhay ko. Nakita ko sya sa Galera, magkasama kami sa ilang ulit na paglubog ng araw... pero mag-isa ako ngayon. Wala na siya. Nagkamali ako.

Maraming alaala ang Galera. Mga puting buhangin kung saan kami naglakad sa init ng araw, bughaw na tubig kung saan kami minsan nagtampisaw, mga pako sa kisame, mga buhangin sa kama, maingay na cable tv na wala namang cable na syang naghehele sa amin sa aming pagtulog, mga bituin at ilaw ng cellphone na gabay sa paglalakad sa madilim na dalampasigan. Wala na lahat iyon. Nilamon na ng alon.

Sa dami ng alaalang ito, hindi ko makuhang tumuntong ng Galera. Hindi dahil sa hindi ko kaya, hindi dahil sa nalulungkot ako, pero may mga bagay at lugar na gusto mo na lang hayaang magtago ng lahat ng magagandang bagay na nangyari sa isang kabanata ng iyong buhay. Mga ngiting nakaukit sa dalampasigan, mga pangarap na nakalutang lang sa alon. Lahat iyon - doon lang mananatili hanggang dumating ang araw na kaya na ulit silang buuin. Kaya na ulit silang ipaglaban, kaya na ulit silang buhayin.

Isang araw, uupo ulit ako sa dalampasigan ng Galera at maghihintay sa paglubog ng araw. Hindi ko alam kung darating ka. Hindi ko na inaasahan. Pero sana, sa pagkakataong ito, kung sino man ang umupo sa tabi ko at mangarap kasama ako, sana totoo na ito.

The Perfect "Pasta"

The perfect pasta, in order to be perfect requires not a ton of ingredients - just care, passion and love. To enjoy the perfect pasta, one must have the appreciation of the same key ingredients from where it was prepared - care, passion and love. Extreme care as to not to upset your host, passion for anything that may be experimental, and love, lots of love to appreciate the effort. This is the perfect pasta.

But I’m not really talking about pasta am I? But that was good pasta. =)

Feed Me!

For the past few days, food has not been tasting good. I wonder if its a psychological reaction to the drama that was, or if my organs are shrinking (but then there would be no relationship whatsoever to the fact that food doesn’t taste good, dummy…) (asawa ko would always tell me, tart you’re weirder than usual.. haha….. )

So anyway, back to food, because I have not been having this vibe to eat, I have been eating smaller portions of all kinds of stuff and luckily, I have been able to control my appetite. It was just yesterday that I kept stuffing myself with arrabiata and raspberry iced tea. (More pasta to come tomorrow, and I’ll finally learn another recipe).

As soon as I get my tastebuds fine tuned (talagang fine tuned daw o!) I shall start eating and eating and eating and eating again. I miss eating. I miss the nightly icecream extravaganza at home. (Well yeah I have been living on milk and designer cereal for the past 2 weeks now. Yes, designer cereal — thats what I call ‘em).

People at home have been thriving on lechon and meat for a few days now. I can’t stand the oil, the fat eeeek. Its like heart attack in its raw form. I opted to eat nuts instead.. lots and lots of nuts (look ma no pimples!)

I can’t wait for dinner later….

Yeng Constantino: Cool Off

I do not know who Yeng Constantino is, I am not familiar with her music either. But today, I became a fan. She has a way of conveying emotion into her songs that make her so convincing. Anyway, I came across this song, I’m sharing this with you. Its called Cool Off.

COOL OFF
Yeng Constantino


Wala akong iba
Di tulad ng iyong hinala

Sarili ay di maintindihan
Hindi ko malaman,Ano ba ang dahilan
Nang pansamantalang paghingi ko ng kalayaan
Minamahal kita,Pero kaylangan ko lang mag-isa

(Chorus)
Wag mong isipin na hindi kana mahal
Sarili ko`y hahanapin ko lang
At ang panahon at ang oras ng aking pagkawala
Ay para rin sa ating dalawa

Wag ka sanang lumuha
Sana`y intindihin
Ito ang dapat nating gawin
Upang magkakilala pa
At malaman kung tayo
Ay para sa isa`t isa

Wag mong pigilin ang damdamin
Sa aking pagkawala,Makahanap ka bigla ng iba

Ngunit pakakatandaan
Na mahal pa rin kita,Pero kaylangan ko lang mag-isa

(Chorus)
Wag mong isipin na hindi kana mahal
Sarili ko`y hahanapin ko lang
At ang panahon at ang oras ng aking pagkawala
Ay para rin sa ating dalawa
ahh yeah……..

Sarili ay di maintindihan
Hindi ko malaman,Ano ba ang dahilan
Nang pansamantalang paghingi ko ng kalayaan
Minamahal kita, Pero kilangan ko lang mag-isa

(Chorus)
Wag mong isipin na hindi kana mahal
Sarili ko`y hahanapin ko lang
At ang panahon at ang oras ng aking pagkawala
Ay para rin sa ating…

(Chorus)
Wag mong isipin na hindi kana mahal
Sarili ko`y hahanapin ko lang
At ang panahon at ang oras ng aking pagkawala
Ay para rin sa ating dalawa..
ahh yeah ahh wooooooooooooo..

Ok, I dunno about the last part but this song rocks.

Status: Single? In a Relationship? Married?

IN A RELATIONSHIP

Last week, my profile says the above and a lot of people reading my blogs have been commenting that I should already update my profile. They really had to rub it in my face that I am already single and hence I should indicate the same. For what purpose? Wala lang... (Then why bother). I decided to maintain the same status because.... well, for obvious reasons .... until I saw what I needed to see to motivate me to change mine.

SINGLE

Two days after confirming that it was over and after finally coming to terms with the same fact, I changed my status to (drum roll....) single. Well since everybody has been trying to urge me to be very politically correct I had to abide by the majority, although it was bit confusing at first (and nauseating). Bad idea. Old friends and.... yeah, "old friends" suddenly started establishing communication from all directions and media: Email here, a YM there, a text here, more phone calls there..... common people! Some people are just so insensitive. They must have forgotten that I was soaked in my own tears a few days ago. I'm comfortable with my old routine: Home, work, mall, home. Being out with groups doesnt seem to add up and fit in to my goals.

MARRIED

This morning, I was going thru my stuff. I found a birthday card (last year) and another card dated May 12, 2006 (this came with a blue rose). Both had the same messages. I couldnt help but cry. MIss ko na asawa ko. And then I realized something: I made that commitment, and whether or not the other party honors the same commitment, I have to honor mine. simply put, it became clearer to me now, that while I may be alone, I am not single. I'm actually married and forever taken. Hence, the new status: MARRIED. But then again a lot of people, more people sent me crazy messages today. In my mind... bakit ba kayo nakikialam....

ITS COMPLICATED

O, siguro naman wala nang magrereact? Umayos kayo!

I Just Had to Hear Your Voice: Oletta Adams

I know you thought it best
That we spend a little time apart
But one night with out you
Was too much for my heart
I know I promised not to call
Sorry but I didn't have a choice
I just had to hear your voice

I had to know that you're okay
I couldn't get to sleep this way

Please don't be mad at me
'Cause I really did the best I could
Not to dial your number but it didn't do much good
Hung up the phone so many times
'Til I didn't have a choice
I just had to hear your voice

I had to know that you're okay
I couldn't get to sleep this way
And I had to hear you say hello
Had to hear you, because I love you so

I know you thought it best
That we spend a little time apart
But I had to hear your voice
Though I know it wasn't right
I just had to hear your voice
Goodnight

A Storm is Brewing

Good morning world! The asshole is back. It has been quite an effort to getting used to being weak and vulnerable for years now that I forgot who I am. That was bullshit. And I never take crap from anyone.

Conversations with a good friend last night made me go into introspective mode and realize certain truths about the grey areas of my life that I have been trying to uncover. Some, I can't even bring to write here. I refuse to provide the detonation sequence of what is about to come. But I'm glad I had that conversation.

I have uncovered several behavioral patterns that have manifested, several coherences in actions that are too good to be true (and usually they are), and never ending cycles that are continuously playing at an endless loop. The latest casualty --- ME. Stupid, stupid stupid me. It was a con, years in the making, planned very carefully, and executed with precision. Bravo!

The end result? Me falling in line after each and every casualty. Now there is a new record to break. Mine. Hahahaha. Pitiful are those who follow in my footsteps and are now in my shoes. Brace yourselves ... another storm is coming .... ME.

Confessions

Kumusta ka na Harbor Square? Dito na na naman ako.

Oo nga pala, naalala mo si.....? Oo, sya nga yung nakilala mo ilang summers ago. Sya yung kasa-kasama ko dito manood ng sunsets mo, yung last na nakasama ko nung January, yung time na nabasa kami ng ulan? We are not together anymore. Iniwan na nya ako. Mga one week na rin.

...There's always this one person, that no matter what he/she does to hurt you, you can't stop loving 'em......

Alam mo, wag mo akong tanungin what happened. Malabo pa rin sa akin ang lahat pero pilit kong iniintindi. Bakit akala mo ganito lang kadali to? Hindi ah, 2 years kong kasa-kasama araw-araw yun!

..Maybe part of loving is letting go, because I'm still holding on to someone who is never going to come back......

Alam mo, balang araw, when i finally understand bakit sya umalis, sasabihin ko rin sayo. Promise. Basta ang sabi lang nya, mahal daw nya ako but its time for me to let go. Oo, hindi ganun kadali, pero, mahal ko yung tao eh. Wala namang sinabi yun na hindi ko sinunod. Except.....

...between our loud laughs, our long fights, and our moments of silence, I fell more in love with you ......

Except...eto lang nung March 10, nawalan ako ng control at nasaktan ko siya nang husto. Napakaliit na bagay lang yun kung tutuusin, at oo foul yung ginawa, alam ko... nangyari na... Iniwan ko sya sa sobrang sama ng loob ko, sa sobrang sakit ng dibdib ko... pero mali yun. I forgot to consider if nung araw na yun, masama rin yung araw nya or malungkot din sya... Nagalit sya, nasaktan ko sya. pero habang papalayo ako nun, nadudurog din puso ko. Nakita ko syang malungkot....I was very sorry... very very very very sorry. Siguro kung pwede kong ulit-ulitin yung pagsorry ko, gagawin ko ulit, pero wala na....... That was where it started.

... why don't you love me back ......

Bakit ayaw na nya sa akin? Because I failed the one person who loved me. Maliit na bagay lang yun para sa iba, pero big deal yun for me. Hindi ko sya dapat iniwan nun. Kahit na ba, dati nagawa din nya akong iwan, nagawa din nya mag-walk-out sa akin... wala na sa akin yun... Hindi ko pa rin dapat ginawang iwan sya. Kaya nga nung Wednesday after that incident, I was preparing myself na iwan na nya ako, pero alam mo... tinanggap pa rin nya sorry ko. Sabi nya, gusto pa rin nya to be with me..., I asked again if sure sya, oo daw.. I had to be sure, sabi ko, I am impatient, may pagka-OC and I'm a lot of things you dont like, do you want to stay with me? Sabi nya oo... That was enough for me because I was more than willing to stay and make up for what I did. Hinding hindi ko na yun uulitin.... maski na for whatever reason pa.

... why do i care ......

Bakit ganun ko sya kamahal? Gusto mo talaga malaman? Nagbago kasi lahat nung hinawakan nya kamay ko in front of friends for the first time suot-suot yung ring na bigay ko, and ang sabi nya " we are going to be together forever". It was more than enough for me. Sya lang pinakilala ko sa bestfriend ko.

Matagal na tayo magkakilala Harbor Square, pero sabi ko naman sayo dati, ang taong ipapakilala ko lang sayo, ay yung asawa ko, the one I am meant to be with for the rest of my life. For me, sya na yun. Ayoko ng iba... sya lang. Kahit till now, it hasnt changed. Sya pa rin at sya lang.

Sya lang yung tao na makakapigil ng galit ko, ng sama ng loob ko kasi pag tumingin sya sa akin, its always like as if nakita nya ako for the first time.Sa kanya ko lang nakita yun.Yeah yeah yeah, Ive dated several good looking people, pero wala eh....wala sila nung ganung look...

Sya lang din yung tao na naisama o sa lahat ng plans ko... how many kids shall we have, what will be their names, (Gusto nya Namibia yung name nung girl namin .. hehehe), even yung masters bedroom, yung sala ng house, alam na namin kung papaano gagawin.

Sya lang yung tao nakayang tumabi sa akin for several hours doing nothing, nakasandal lang sa akin, nakahawak sa hands ko, naka-hug or whatever.

Sya yung reason second to God of course, why nagsimba ulit ako.

Sya yung immediate answer ko when people ask me what I'm thinking about.

Teka muna, hanggang 8:30 lang ako dito eh...alam mo, mauubos ang oras ko dito sayo if I were to tell you the many reasons bakit mahal na mahal ko ang asawa ko. Alam mo na yun eh... every Sunday after church, sinasabi ko sayo di ba?

... I keep telling myself I cant force you to love me back, but I cant force myself to stop loving you either ......

So ngayon alam mo na why I have been crying for one week? Last Sunday lang you saw me jogging here crying. The entire week, I spent my days at work crying...Officemates lang siguro ang nakakaalam how bad my heart is broken.

I mean common Harbor Square, we're OK na eh. we made plans for the holy week. Wala naman kaso yun if kasama nya family nya at na-cancel yung mga plans namin. Kaya ko naman mag-isa eh. Besides napakabait ng mga friends nya (lalo na si Louie) to offer to keep me company. (Though I declined, sorry Louie). Pero iba pala dating sa kanya nun.

Last saturday morning till about early evening we were ok. I was trying to address why sad sya and it turned out bigla ko na lang nalaman, I am the reason why sad sya. There were a lot of issues na binato nya sa akin that I tried to explain but ayaw nya ako pakinggan until finally, sabi nya, gusto nya mag-isa. Akala ko naman.. time-out lang....until this Wednesday I confirmed, ayaw na nya sa akin for a lot of reasons I still dont understand.

... I wll never be good enough for you, at least I tried ......

Nagmakaawa ako for the first time in my life. Lahat ng klaseng pagmamakaawa ginawa ko wag lang sya umalis, wag lang nya ako iwan.But it didnt work. It was fixed that I should be alone so I can do what I want daw, so I can be a better person, na kailangan daw muna nya ayusin a lot of things and magagawa lang nya yun if alone sya, a lot of things Harbor Square....The worst part was, asking me to let go. Gumuho ang mundo ko....hindi ko kayang i-reconcile yung sinabi nyang nag-stay sya for the wrong reasons and its just now that realization dawned that its unfair daw to me... whaaat? Ano ba kailangan ko gawin? ayaw nya akong kausapin in person, ayaw nya ako tawagan basta na lang nagtext sya to let go...Alam mo ba kung gaano kasakit yun Harbor Square? The one person whom you least expect to do this to you cant even talk to you personally? Its like giving me a passport not to save the relationship! But I tried... and I failed.

... You will never know how much I love you, and how bad you broke my heart ......

Bakit masama ang loob ko? Bakit ako bitter? Bakit ako devastated? Because I gave it my all. Sabi ko naman sa kanya and alam nya what I had to give up to be in this relationship. Not that I am taking into account alot of things.. ang sa akin lang...I fought for this relationship for two years and just for these reasons, iniwan nya ako? Leaving me isnt gonna change anything.. it will just make it worse.I have managed to survice this long because andyan sya. I am a better person and I always strive to be a better person because andyan sya.Pero ano naman gagawin ko kung ayaw na nya sa akin?

... Let's just be friends, turn around and say OK, but this broken heart gets worse everyday ......

Not a day has passed na hindi ko sya na-miss. I look everywhere I see images nung mukha nya, the things that we did here, and there... Arrrrggghhh! This is crazy. I cant even bear to just sit here and think about missing everything. Sure, I said, I wil let you go, pero hindi naman ako katanga to think that it will be that easy. I try to tell myself its gonna e ok, so bakit andito na naman ako Harbor Square kung ok ako?

... Never break the heart that loves you ......

You think i'm silly don't you. Look Harbor Square, I'm still wearing my ring.. it wont come off. I guess, what I'm trying to say is.... this all that's left of what we had. I'm trying to retrace our steps everyday, and I'm slowly trying to get used to go to the places where we have been... alone.. Time doesnt heal old wounds, it merely blurs the memory and softens the pain. But I guess in my case, I gave my heart away, I wasnt able to get it back. I dont regret breaking the hearts of other people who wanted me to be with them, because I had to save my relationship, I had to be in love with and only with the same person.. sya at sya lang. In the end.. the same person broke my heart, and yet mahal na mahal ko pa rin sya even with the small fragments of my broken heart.

... If you can't get someone out of your head, maybe they are meant to be there......

Naiisip ko pa rin sya every day. From simple thoughts like...Nasa school na kaya sya? Nagbreakfast nakaya sya? Sino na naman kayang gago yung sumira sa araw nya? Na-stress kaya sya ngayon with the kids? Nakatulog na naman kaya sya kaya lumagpas ng SM? Naiwan na naman kaya nya towel nya? Nawala na naman kaya wallet nya? Maling pair of shoes na naman kaya dala nya? Tapos nakaya sya mag-gym? Ano kaya gusto nya kainin mamaya? Nakauwi na kaya sya?

It gets worse...Umiiyak kaya sya katulad ko? Mahal kaya talaga nya ako? Bakit nya ako iniwan kung mahal nya ako? Babalik pa kaya sya? Paano na ako kung di na sya bumalik? Maalala kaya nya 2nd year anniversary namin? Nasaan kaya sya ngayon? Wala kaya syang ibang kasama? May mahal na kaya syang iba?

... I fell for you, you didnt for me......

Then I thought about one thing... Kung mahal mo naman talaga ako hindi mo ako iniwan. Kung mahal mo ako kaya mo tiisin kahit mahirap knowing that hindi naman kita pababayaan. Kung mahal mo ako, hindi ka na lang basta biglang sumuko and you left, sabi ko naman sayo, asawa kita, magtulungan tayo. Kung mahal mo ako, you would have the courtesy of showing your face at sabihin mo sa kin ng derecho na hindi mo na ako mahal or merong iba or merong ibang reason pa kung bakit wala na tayo.Kung mahal mo ako, you could have broken up with me properly and not thru text messaging. Kung mahal mo ako.... kung mahal mo lang naman talaga ako.... bakit mo ginawa sa akin to?

... I quit pretending that you love me.....

Harbor Square, I need to take care of myself now. It is tough being alone. But being alone is better than pretending.

Mahal pa kaya nya ako, di ko alam. Babalik pa kaya sya, di ko alam. Meron na kaya syang ibang mahal, di ko alam. Maaalala kaya nya 2nd year anniversary namin, di ko alam. Basta ang alam ko.... ako itong iniwan. Ako itong mag-isa, at ako itong nagmakaawa na mahalin nya.

At dito ako ngayon sa harap mo...

So pwede na ba akong umupo dyan sa isang tabi at umiyak? Promise, last na to.

A Loveletter - Rephrasing Elizabeth Barret Browning

Dear You,

You may be too wrapped up trying to untangle yourself from a personal mess
but that doesn't mean i stopped caring...or my affection has subsided.

How do i care for thee?

I started caring for you at the most inconvenient of places - a website.
Intrigued by your old description and the overflowing honesty..and witty bitchiness.. I initiated a conversation.

I continued caring over message exchanges in the site.... which has progressed to phone conversations--a sweet precursor of dreams, a warmth that awakens me in the morning.

i haven't stopped caring...

i started caring for you at the most unholy hours when despite the tiredness we manage to share a hearty laugh;

I started caring when you spill out your dreams and aspirations.... when you traipse the fond lines of being amusingly silly to being downright romantic;

I started caring for you when you do a charming self-deprecating stance; do voices....and by simply being present at the end of the line...

I started caring when looking out of the window... a breeze touches my cheeks and i know the same wisp of air touches yours

I started caring when i try to ponder on the infinity of the stars and i know you are out their somewhere blanketed by the same evening sky, the same parade of constellations;

I started caring when i take late night walks because it is as comfortable and refreshing as the sound of your cheerful chirps on my cellphone; i started caring when my sms register flashes your name on the screen and i know for a fact it's a manifestation of emotional honesty waiting to be opened, read and cherished.

There are many ways to express how and when i started caring for you.... and i'm not even halfway there. everyday i discover new ways.

I care for your... to put it simply if the previous lines fail to drive the point.

BUT, i guess, as things turned out, i, from now on, will not have a company in my journey, no one to walk beside me,

Our laughter tearing will not shred indifferent silences, our steps, unhurried, will not reach anywhere.

Our arms will not be anchored on each other's shoulders. and we will no longer be to able share the calmness of the day, a smile on our faces, bright as that of a child, crisp as the prisms of the ocean's tides.

I am fallen....

I will forever cherish you....

Take care dear... keep smiling...

Love,

Me

Broken

The lights along West Avenue seemed darker tonight - the same lights which used to guide me to you. They have never failed me. The path towards SM seemed a bit narrower, a bit longer, a bit rough - the same path I take everyday for nearly two years to be with you. Even the breeze that comforts the same journey to you burns my skin.. dries my tears. This must be purgatory.

Over the makeshift pedestrian bridge are faces full of joy. But I could not recognize their smiles. Even the cheerful vendors who never seem to tire appear to have lost their strength. The bridge is shaky as if it were going to collapse and bury us all in chunks of debris. Hell approaches near.

By the time I took the first step down, I could not move. My legs have failed me for the first time as if they were clad with balls of iron, immobilizing each and every tendon. I dragged both feet down the stairs and froze. More people with blank faces greet me. The usual short walk to the gates of hell seemed farther and farther and farther. Until finally... Hell.

Two demons greeted me at the entrance. While they were being friendly, they poked their tridents into every fabric of my soul. They kept on poking and probing till they were satisfied and they let me thru. But that was just the entrance.

Every single step I took burned my toes.., my feet, even my flesh. This was not what it used to be. The billboards on the walls are all gone. The white vinyl of the same walls are now covered with black tar, lava now flows where the escalators used to be and fire engulfs the narrow halls. I was alone.

I am alone......


The lights of West Avenue used to flicker to the beat of my heart. The road meets my feet and the wind pushes my back as if telling me to hurry. The breeze caresses my face and whispers to me " tart is waiting"...

Joyful people with big grins on their faces greet me as I hurry up the makeshift steps. The pedestrian bridge, no matter how shaky, provided the safety of a mother caring for her children, as I and everybody else hurry down to the steps.

The steps seemed to be oiled, making every stride quick and effortless as I glide thru incoming groups of friendly faces... SM finally...

The guards are friendlier than usual, billboards and posters everywhere, and the white vinyl wall that soothes every tired shopper. The escalators seemed to be guiding me down, the floors again eager to meet my feet as i glide thru that path to you. My comfort for the past years...

We were always together...

You have never ceased looking at me like you have seen me for the first time in those two years. You have always embraced me no matter how worn out you were and you never ceased to look at me with amazement like as if I was the only thing that mattered, I was the only person you see despite the crowd around us.

As I tried to look at you and touch you.., your skin hardens..., you turn paler and paler and then gray... and as I try to hold your hand and pull you towards me... you turn to dust.... The wind blows your debris in all directions..... and I realize... I am back into the same fiery pit...

I was alone..... I'll always be alone....

Requiem

I cant bring myself to even finish putting my thoughts into paper, nor my thoughts into words. I feel like I am about to crash and enter entropy. I am dying.... A few more days, I'd either slit my wrists, get into an overdose and no one will even notice I am gone. No one will care.

As I come to terms with my own mortality, I see faces of people I don't even remember anymore, or perhaps, these were the same people I tried to forget. They're all mocking me.... all laughing at me .... but I don't have the strength to argue nor do I have the will to explain.

I see your face again...... only your face......

By this time, you ought to be fading away from my thoughts... you ought to have stopped haunting me in my dreams.... But no. I see your face even with my waking eye. What have you done to me....

I can only hope that by the time I catch my last breath.. your face escapes my thoughts, but try as I may, every time I go weaker and weaker, you end up mocking me again. How could you......

Yes how could you ........?

.... fall apart and leave me with broken pieces of us --- broken dreams, broken promises, broken hearts. How do you expect me to put these pieces back together... I'm missing a piece here, another one there... Arrrrgh.....

.... smile at me pretending everything is ok when you can just simply grab my heart and crush it before me.... I have always been weak for you, you could have just killed me....

.... say that you want to be with me when you can leave me and push me away. I begged for you to love me... but you kept on pushing me back.. pushing and pushing, harder each time.... until I finally find myself alone.... now where are you....?

.... tell me you love me every night, every moment .... when you never meant it.... Your words escape you.... I don't mean anything at all ..... I am just a burden that you try to get by with, the unhappiness that you survive each day...... I was never someone you loved....

Can't you stop being mad for once and listen to me? I try so hard to explain .... but you keep pushing me back... I tried to tell you you misunderstood... but you're always right... I tried...... but you don't seem to listen...you don't care... NOT ANYMORE. You're too busy not to care and you didn't even hear a word I said. You don't care?

I do not take account of the things I have lost, family who have abandoned me, because there was you..... and you don't care? I didn't realize that two years was too short to not care at all..... Still, I can't even tell the world what I am feeling right now.


You're gone.......


Gone .....

.... where the waves of the see no longer greet me when I say hello.

---- where the paths we have once taken have become twisted in circles

---- where the roars of our laughter are deafened by the silence of pain

---- where all dreams forged on sandy shores are washed away by the mad tides of change

.... where the sun sets to an eternity of darkness

.... where there is no us...., but just me, and the broken pieces that lay before me


You're really gone.....


I'll see you soon.......

.... where the waves meet us each time we say hello

.... where the paths we take lead us both home

.... where the roars of our laughter echo in our souls

..... where the dreams we forged on sandy shores are strengthened by our children

..... where there is us, and there is only love....


But for now... let me die in peace.